Funny (And / Or) Stupid - MARCH
Knock – Knock
"Summons to watch over me."
Sup to me.
Surly in the morning; go back to bed.
Swarm in the summer and cold in the winter.
REPORTER: Doctor, what's the best thing to do when your ear rings?
DOCTOR: Answer it.
DOCTOR: You have a condition called "Updoc."
PATIENT: What's " Updoc"?
DOCTOR: Nothing much. What's up with you?
DOCTOR: About this habit of talking to yourself – it's nothing to worry about.
PATIENT: Well, maybe not, but I'm such an awful bore.
PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, come quickly! I swallowed my fountain pen!
DOCTOR: What are you doing in the meantime?
PATIENT: Using a pencil.
People pay pros for playing.
Peters plane is plainly painted.
Peter is paid plenty to paint plains.
Mr. Pletcher paints Mrs. Pitcher pictures of peaches.
Is a pleasant peasant’s pheasant present?
Pooped purple pelicans.
Pick a purple pocket.
How do cattle defend themselves?
They use cow-a-ti . (karate)
How does a skunk defend itself?
Why did the karate expert wear a black belt?
To keep his pants up.
What tree is a karate champion?
What is small, brown and green, and knows karate?
How do police get rid of mosquitoes?
They call out the SWAT team.
Why did the silly boy take his piggy bank outdoors?
He heard there was going to be a change in the weather.
What should you do if you fall off a bicycle?
Get back on and re-cycle.
What falls on a mountain but never gets hurt?
If two snakes marry, what will their towels say?
Hiss and Hers.
Why do bears have fur?
So their underwear won't show.
What kind of soda to Australian bears drink?
What does a skunk do before going to school?
Puts on its stinking cap.
TEACHER: Gabby, why are you late for school?
GABBY: I must have over washed.
TEACHER: Why are you late for school?
ARLENE: I couldn't help it. School started before I got here.
Knock – Knock
Believing if you don't open the door.
Ben knocking so long my hand hurts.
Ben Hur who?
Ben Hur for 10 min. and nobody showed up.
Betty gets sore knuckles from all that knocking.
Bess of luck.
Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Because it couldn't get a date.
What salad do people prefer when they want privacy?
What did the criminal say when he was saved from the hangman at the last minute?
"No noose is good news."
What's a comedian’s favorite food?
Cream of wit.
When is a pistol like a young horse?
When it's a Colt.
How is a stolen pistol like a racing car?
They're both hot rods.
When is a gun unemployed?
When it is fired.
How come a duck won the shoot-out?
It was a quack shot.
What would happen if an ice cream cone picked a fight with Jesse James?
The ice cream cone would get licked.
What do you call Jesse James when he has the flu?
A sick shooter.
Four fat, flat-footed frogs flapped their floppy flippers.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Five fifers free,
Fifing in the fog,
And Phil and Dan
And Philip's funny frog.
Flighty Flo Fisk and frisky Fritz Fisk
Of all the felt I ever felt
I never felt a piece of felt
That felt the same as that felt felt
When I first felt that felt.
Funny (And / Or) Stupid - FEBRUARY
Why are you like a shrub after a long hike?
Because your bushed.
What is the worst thing you're likely to find in the camp kitchen?
How do they count muffins in the camp kitchen?
They have a roll call.
How do you greet a web-footed bird?
"What’s up, duck?”
What is the difference between a football player and a duck?
You’ll find one in a huddle and the other in a puddle.
Why won't a leopard take a bath with you?
It doesn't want to come out spotless.
Why can't a herd of elephants ever get really clean?
Because they can't take off their trunks.
What fluffy bird calls "whoo, whoo” while you dry off?
A hoot towel.
Why does Mom put corncobs in the tub?
So you'll wash behind your ears.
Where do sailors take their baths?
In a tubmarine.
What happened when the rubber ducky fell into the bathtub?
It quacked up.
Hannah me some potato chips.
“Harlow Dolly, well Harlow Dolly.”
“Harmon love with a wonderful guy.”
Harry up, I’m starving.
Abbot time we eat, isn’t it?”
POLICE OFFICER: You are charged with having your dog chase a man on a bicycle.
MAN: That's crazy. My dog doesn't even know how to ride a bicycle.
Who brings dogs their presents at Christmas?
What kind of dog washes his clothes?
What has no hair and thinks it's the national dog of the United States?
The bald beagle.
"Did you knit this sweater all by yourself?"
"Yes, all except the whole you put your head through. That was there when I started."
What figures to the most walking?
What invention allows people to walk through walls?
What goes through water but doesn't get wet?
A ray of light.
When is a horse not a horse?
When it turns into a pasture.
Where do the people of India go for bagels?
To the New Delhi.
Round and round the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran.
Rex wrecks wet rocks.
Robin robs wealthy widows.
Seth’s sharp spacesuit shrank.
“Stay seated Stephanie,” Stephen said.
Six small slick seals.
What does a parrot say on the Fourth of July?
"Polly wants a firecracker!”
What did one firecracker say to the firecracker?
"My pop is bigger than your pop.”
What would you get if you crossed a chicken and a television set?
A TV show that lays eggs.
How can you tell if there is a football team in your bathtub?
It's hard to close the shower curtain.
Would you rather have a 300-pound football player attack you or a 300-pound wrestler?
I'd rather have them attack each other.
What did the football player say when he was hit by lightning?
"Got to glow now!"
What happens when two angels get married?
They live harpily ever after.
Who gets married at a witch's wedding?
The bride and broom.
What do you call to married spiders?
What does a duck wear to a wedding?
Who do pelicans bring with them to weddings?
What does Hamlet eat on his birthday?
What do squirrels eat on their birthdays?
Habit your way.
Haddock is killing me, got an aspirin?
Thistle make you feel better.
Hammond cheese on rye, please.
Hank E. Chief.
MOTORIST: How far is it to the next town?
FARMER: To miles, as the crow flies.
MOTORIST: How far is it if the crow has to roll a flat tire?
What is Mickey Mouse's favorite car?
A Minnie van.
"This is a magic car," said the man, as he gave his daughter the keys.
"Really?" Said the girl.
"Yes," said the father. "One speeding ticket and it will disappear."
What makes sheep such bad drivers?
They make too many ewe turns.
What driver never gets a ticket?
"Do you know I can read bumper stickers on cars going 55 miles an hour?"
"Yeah, I took a speed-reading course."
Why do mummies have high blood pressure?
Because they're so wound up.
DR.: The best time to take this medicine is just before retiring.
PATIENT: You mean I don't have to take it until I'm 65 years old?
PATIENT: I hear you are the greatest expert in the world at curing baldness. If you cure me, I'll give you anything you ask.
DR. (after examining the patient): I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I can't grow anymore hair on your head. Now for the good news: I can shrink your head to stick to hear you got.
PATIENT: My hair is coming out pretty fast. Can you give me something to keep it in?
DR.: Sure. Here's an empty box.
DR.: You've been my patient for 10 years, Mr. Johnson. Watched you think I would recognize you?
MR. JOHNSON: Because I'm not myself today.
The queen coined quick clipped quips.
Quakes cause cracks.
Quincy! Quack quietly or quit quacking.
Remove the raw rice. Once the raw rice is removed, roast the white rice.
Reed rode in the red wagon when he went to Reagan’s.
Reed’s road was rough, so Reed refused a return ride in the red wagon.
Rival river runners rode the wild river.
Funny (And / Or) Stupid - JANUARY
There was a young girl in Havana
Who slipped on a skin of banana
Away went her feet,
And she took a seat
In a very unladylike manner.
A fellow who lived in New Guinea
Was known as a silly young ninny.
He utterly lacked
Good judgment and tact,
And as for clean socks – hadn't any!
A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, "Kindly note
My mama was a goat
And I'm made out of curds, by the whey."
KNOCK - KNOCK
Taint over till it’s over.
Taiwan to be happy.
What are you, a fox hunter?
Tamara is another day.
What do hairdressers do at the end of their lives?
They curl up and dye.
What you call an attack by a bunch of wigs?
A hair raid.
Was the man wearing his toupee in the wrong place?
Yes, they pulled the rug out from under him.
How does a wig introduce itself?
“Hair I am!”
PATIENT: Doctor, I just swallowed a bone!
DOCTOR: Are you choking?
PATIENT: No, I'm serious.
What do you have when your head is hot, your foot is cold, and you see spots before your eyes?
A polka-dot sock over your head.
Why did the golfer change his socks?
He had a hole-in-one.
Why did the belt get arrested?
It held up a pair of pants.
What does a germ call his very small robe?
How do birds exercise before they go to bed?
They do worm-ups.
"Saint necessarily so."
Sam person who just knocked, silly!
Samantha fix the T.V.
Sanitize his reindeer to a sled.
Why is it easier to count cows and sheep?
You can use a cowculator.
What would you get if you crossed a sheep and a monkey?
What do sheep do when they go out on a date at night?
A little star-grazing.
What do lambs do if they can't fly?
Go by spacesheep.
What runs but never gets out of breath?
What goes through water but doesn’t get wet?
A ray of light.
How do you open the Great Lakes?
With the Florida Keys.
Why are there bridges over water?
So people won’t step on the fishes.
Where is a lake deepest?
On the bottom.
What does one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
"I'd like to talk with your mother, young man. Is she engaged?"
"Engaged? She's married."
FATHER: What is the meaning of all these Ds and Fs on your report card?
CHARLIE: That means I'm Doing Fine.
MOTHER: You know, you're not supposed to eat peas with your knife.
JUNIOR: I know, but my fork leaks.
MOTHER: You look pretty dirty, Son.
SON: Gee, Mom, I thought I looked better clean.
"Your big sister is spoiled, isn't she?"
"No, that's just the perfume she's wearing."
What is the noisiest planet?
Saturn, because it has so many rings.
What do you call an astronaut who is afraid of heights?
Why was the astronaut wrong when he landed on the moon and reported there was no life there?
There was – with him on it.
What did the astronaut get when the rocket fell on his foot?
Why did the astronaut lie on the bed before he blasted off?
He wanted to countdown.
Why can't you tell pigs your secrets?
How do hogs haul their garbage?
In pig-up trucks.
What do you call a pig in the middle of the highway?
A road hog.
Why aren't frogs allowed at baseball games?
They eat all the fly balls.
How does Zorro protect himself from sharks?
With a swordfish.
Knock – knock
Thor from head to toe.
"Thumb enchanted evening."
"Dishes a lovely way to spend an evening."
You want Tibet?
What did the parrot say when it wanted a frog?
"Polly wants a croaker."
What did the parakeet say when it was hungry?
"Long time no seed."
"What is your hobby?"
"I race pigeons."
"Oh! Have you ever beaten any?"
MOTHER PIGEON: I''s time you learned to fly. Either you learn or I'll tie a rope to you and tow you.
YOUNG PIGEON: No, no, not that. I don't want to be pigeon-towed!
CUSTOMER: Hey, waiter! What kind of pie did you bring me? Are you sure this is apple pie?
WAITER: What does it taste like?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
WAITER: Then what difference does it make?
WAITER: I have boiled tongue, fried liver, and pig's feet.
CUSTOMER: I'm not interested in your medical problems. Just bring me a cheese sandwich and a coffee.
CUSTOMER: Waiter, do you have frog's legs?
WAITER: Yes, sir.
CUSTOMER: Then why don't you hop into the kitchen and get me a doughnut and coffee?
CUSTOMER: What's the difference between the blue-plate special and the white-plate special?
WAITER: The white plate is ten cents extra.
CUSTOMER: Is the food any better?
WAITER: No, but we wash the dishes.
Bill blows big blimpy bubbles.
When Bill's big, blimpy bubbles burst, Bill began to blubber.
Bill was a big blimpy baby.
A bachelor botched a batch of badly baked biscuits.
Did the bachelor botch a batch of badly baked biscuits?
If the bachelor botched a batch of badly baked biscuits,
Where are the badly baked biscuits the bachelor botched?
Betty Block blows big black bubbles.