Funny / Stupid Tab

Funny (And/Or) Stupid - MARCH

Tongue Twisters
High roller.
Low roller.
Lower roller.

The hairy hare stares at the hairier hare, and the hairier hare stares at the hairiest hare.
Here we have a three-hare stare affair.

3x fast
The hare’s ear heard ere the hare heeded.

Horrible Heidi hears hairy Horace holler.

What did the thief get for stealing the calendar?
Twelve months.

Why was the photographer arrested?
He shot his customers and then blew them up.

Why was the fisherman arrested?
For packing a rod.

What did the burglar get for robbing the rubber band factory?
A long stretch.

Why is it hard to keep a bank robbery secret?
Because so many people who work in the bank are tellers.

Animal Books and their Authors
Why Cats Scratch
by Manny Fleeze

Keep Your Pet Healthy
by Ray B. Shot

How to Build a Better Mousetrap

By Kit E. Katt

Why We Love Garbage Cans
By Al E. and Tom Katt

Dogs Running Wild
By Ty M. Upp

Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Racine who?
“Racine with the moon.”

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Wendy who?
“Wendy moon comes over the mountain.”

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Raisin who?
Raisin a racket with all that noise.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Rapture who?
Rapture presents with a large bow.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Raul who?
Raul out the barrel.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Why did the guy use the daily paper for Kleenex?
He had a nose for news.

Why did the reporter buy an ice cream cone?
He was desperate for a scoop.

A young man applied for a summer job.
     “The job,” said the employer, “is for a garbage collector. Do you have any experience?”
     “No, sir,” said the young man. “But I can pick it up as I go along.”

FOREMAN: Come on, get a move on with that bricklaying.
BRICKLAYER: Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know.
FOREMAN: That’s because there wasn’t a foreman on the job.

What's the best way to raise King Kong?
With a jack.

What is King Kong's favorite flower?

What should you do if you meet King Kong?
Give him a big banana.

How can you tell King Kong from a banana?
The banana is yellow.

What's the best way to take down the monkey’s voice?
With an ape recorder.

Tongue Twisters
Etta taught her daughter that she ought to barter smarter.

Eight eager eagles ogled old Edgar.

Every errand Randy ran for Erin was in error.

3x fast
Eighteen apes ate eighteen apricots.

What is a geologist favorite dessert?
Marble cake.

What sweets do geologists like?
Rock Candy.

What do ghouls drink at picnics?
Ice-ghoul lemonade.

What do frogs drink at picnics?

What do dogs drink at picnics?

What would you get if a 50 ton duck stomped on the ground?
And earthquack.

What kind of dogs do vampires own?

What's a cow's favorite movie?
The sound of Moooosic."

What's a crayfish’s favorite movie?
"Fiddler Crab on the Roof."

What you call a pig flying a helicopter?
A pork chopper.

What kind of spaceship do sheep fly?
Ewe F. Os.

Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Burton who?
“Burton up your overcoat.”

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Buster who?
Buster gut.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Butter who?
Butter late than never.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Butternut who?
Butternut try to pick up a skunk.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Bwana who?
“Bwana hold your hand.”

ANGRY CUSTOMER: Those safety matches you sold me won’t strike.
STOREKEEPER: Well, you can’t get much safer than that.

APPLIANCE STORE CLERK: May I interest you in a new freezer?
LADY: No, I can’t afford it.
CLERK: It will pay for itself in no time.
LADY: Okay, as soon as it does, send it over.

LADY (in pet shop): Have you got any kittens going cheap?
PET SHOP OWNER: No, ma’am, all our kittens go “meow.”

BOY: Mister, would you sell me a shark?
PET SHOP OWNER: What do you want with a shark?
BOY: My cat is trying to eat my goldfish and I want to teach him a lesson.

CUSTOMER: Four bars of soap, please.
CLERK: Scented?
CUSTOMER: No, I’ll take them with me.

What do you find in air-conditioned banks?
Cold cash.

Why do bankers go to art school?
They like to draw interest.

What's a banker’s favorite dance?
The vaults.

What do sweet potatoes do when they play together?
They have yam sessions.

Tongue Twisters
Ned Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not.
So it's better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot, but Shott swears he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott himself,
Then Shott would be shot and Nott would not.
However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott but Nott.
It's not easy to say who was shot and who was not.
But we know who was Shott and who was Nott.

3x fast
Norse myths.

Funny (And/Or) Stupid - FEBRUARY

Who pulled the biggest holdup in history?
Atlas – he held up the whole world.

Which way did the varmint go when he stole the computer?

Who was the most famous cat in the wild West
Kit-ty Carson.

Who was the thirstiest outlaw in the West?
The one who drank Canada Dry.

How do you make a strawberry shake?
Introduce it to Jesse James.

Where do dead outlaws go on Saturday night?
To ghost towns.

What happened when the outlaw ran away with the circus?
The Sheriff made him bring it back.

How did Molly Mare wear her hair to the prom?
In a ponytail.

How did Brenda Baker wear her hair to the prom?
In a bun.

How did Sarah Sow wear her hair to the prom?
In pigtails.

How did Colleen Contortionist wear her hair to the prom?
In a twist.

How did Benny Bee wear his hair to the prom?
In a buzz cut.

Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Foyer who?
Foyer information it's your brother.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Francis who?
Francis where people speak French.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Celeste who?
"Celeste time I saw Paris."

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Frasier who?
Frasier never going to open the door.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Frayda who?
"Who's a Frayda the big, bad wolf?"

CAB DRIVER: Lady, that twenty-five cent tip you gave me was an insult.
LADY: How much should I tip you?
CAB DRIVER: Another twenty-five cents.
LADY: What? And insult you twice?

Did you hear about the new car that runs on peanut butter? It gets good mileage but sticks to the roof of your garage.

From what kind of dish does a car eat?
A license plate.

Why was the car embarrassed?
It had gas.

How is an old car like a baby?
It never goes anywhere without a rattle.

Explain this:
Why do people park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

"Mom, I can't go to school today. I sprained my ankle."
"Of all the lame excuses!"

The telephone rang in the office of the school principal. “Hello, may I speak to the principal, please?”
"This is the principle."
"I'm calling to say that my son cannot come to school today because he has a bad cold."
"Who is this speaking, please?"
"This is my father."

TEACHER: Johnny, can you tell me what they did at the Boston Tea Party?
JOHNNY: I don't know, Teacher. I wasn't invited.

What's the most important thing to remember in chemistry class?
Don't lick the spoon!

What's the best way to pass a geometry test?
Know all the angles.

Tongue Twisters
Frank feasted on flaming fish at the famous Friday fish fry.

Can a flying fish flee far from a free fish fry?

Flat flying fish fly faster than flat, flying fleas.

3x fast
Free kiwis.

What does the funniest kid in camp eat for breakfast?
Cream of Wit.

What do Cowboys put on their pancakes?
Maple stirrup.

What did Mary have at the cookout?
Everyone knows that Mary had a little lamb.

Why did the frog like French fries?
Because it was a pota-toad.

What has four legs and flies?
A picnic table.

What kind of ant can break a picnic table with one blow?
A gi-ant.

What happened when the cat ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

What's a cat's favorite TV show?
The Evening Mews.

When is it bad luck to have a black cat following you?
When you're a mouse.

How do mice revive each other?
With mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

What do mice use for bad breath?

Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Ali who?
“Ali want is a room somewhere."

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alibi Who?
Alibi you anything you want.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alice who?
Alice forgiven. Please come home.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alice who?
Alice fair in love and war.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Annie who?
Annie thing goes.

Why did the policeman put handcuffs on the front door of a home?
He was making a house arrest.

POLICEMAN: Do you know that's a stolen car you're driving?
DRIVER: Of course I do. How do you think I got it?

"Did you hear that the police caught a workaholic?
"What was he charged with?"
"He was resisting a rest."

What organized gang destroys wool coats?
The Mothia.

DIT: The police are looking for a man with one eye named Smith.
WIT: What's the other eye named?

Why did the doctor pour oil on his hands?
He wanted to be a smooth operator.

What does the polite surgeon say when he is about to operate?
"May I cut in?"

What did the man do when he found Chicago, Ill?
He called Baltimore, MD.

DOCTOR: Sorry I made you wait so long.
PATIENT: I didn't mind the wait so much, but I did think you'd like to treat my illness in its early stages.

Tongue Twisters
Betty better butter Buddy’s brother’s bagel.
But before Betty butters the bagel, Betty better butter boil and bake the bagel.

Bruce brought big biscuits.
Bob brought both briskets.

A box of biscuits,
a box of mixed biscuits,
and a biscuit mixer.

3x fast
Blake the baker bakes black bread.

Funny (And/Or) Stupid - JANUARY 
Tongue Twisters
The shepherd swiftly sheared the sleepy sheep with the sharp scissors.

Through rifts in the lofts, the soft snow sifts.
Then the white sheet lifts and the wind packs drifts.

“Stow your snowshoes, Sue.”

A tutor who tooted a flute tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tutors to toot?”

Timothy tapped on the tympani.

What show do to prisoners like to put on?
A cell-out (sell-out).

What do you call a sheep that hangs out with forty thieves?
Ali Baa Baa.

What do you call an elephant that hangs out with forty thieves?
Ali Babar.

What do you call someone who steals soap at camp?
A dirty crook.

How do hangmen keep up with current events?
They read the noose-paper.

What is the favorite sport of executioners?
Hang gliding.

What you get when you eat crackers in bed?
A crumby night sleep.

Did you hear about the soldier who bought a camouflage sleeping bag?
He can't find it.

Why do cowboys sleep on the range?
There isn't enough room on the refrigerator.

How quickly do eggs get ready for bed?
They scramble.

Which mountain is always sleeping?
Mount Everest.

Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Saber who?
Saber – she's drowning.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Eiffel who?
Eiffel into the lake.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Sahara who?
Sahara you today?

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Freddy who?
Freddy, willing, and able.

Where do you find bargains at sea?
On sale boats.

What do you say when you want to stop the ship?
Whoa, whoa, whoa the boat.

What do ships eat for breakfast?

SHIP'S CAPTAIN: Quick, operator! Get me an SOS!
OPERATOR: Sure. How do you spell that?

"I've been seeing spots before my eyes lately."
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No, just spots."

NIT: The doctor finally cured me of seeing spots.
NAT: How did she do that?
NIT: She took away my dominoes.

"I went to see the eye doctor because I kept seeing spots. He gave me glasses."
"Did the glasses help?"
"Oh, yes, now I can see the spots much better."

What do you have if your head feels hot, your feet are cold, and you see spots in front of your eyes?
You probably have polka-dot socks over your head.

"Doctor, Doctor, my eyesight is getting worse!
"You're absolutely right. This is the post office."

DOCTOR: Have your eyes been checked?
PATIENT: No, they've always been plain brown.

Tongue Twisters
3x fast

Grant grasped at the grass.

Glen lent Gwen Wayne’s wrench.

Gene cleans queens’ screens.

Glum Gwendolyn’s glasses.

What's the difference between a sick person and seven days?
One is weak; the other is one week.

What's the difference between a dressmaker and a nurse?
One cuts the dresses; the other dresses the cuts.

Where's the best place to build offices for opticians and optometrists?
On a site for sore eyes.

How is an eye doctor like a teacher?
They both test pupils.

What do eye doctors sing when they test you?
"Oh, say can you see…"

How do you catch a fairy?
By its fairy tail.

How are spiders like ducks?
They both have webbed feet.

How big are centipedes?
One hundred feet long.

What would you get if two spiders wrestled?
Scrambled legs.

Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Ach who?

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alfie who?
Alfie you later.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Algae who?
Algae you in my dreams.

Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Ollie who?
Ollie do is dream of you.


Why do salmon swim upstream to spawn?
Because walking on the riverbank hurts their tails.

What's big, lives near the beach, and wears sunglasses?
A two-hundred pound seagull.

What do you call a beach that keeps losing sand?
A shore loser.

"Is that a surfboard?"
"No, it's a tongue depressor for my pet shark."

What's the best way to get around on the ocean floor?
By taxi crab.

What would you get if you crossed . . .

. . . a 50 foot Martian and a 300 pound chicken?
The biggest cluck in the solar system.

. . . a woodpecker and a lion?
An animal that knocks before it eats you.

. . . an octopus and a cow?
An animal that can milk itself.

. . . a porcupine and a skunk?
A pretty lonesome animal.

. . . a crocodile and a kangaroo?
Leaping lizards.

Tongue Twisters
Once upon a barren moor
There dwelt a bear; also a boar.
The bear could not bear the boar,
The bear thought the boar a bore.
At last the bear could bear no more
That boar that bored him on the moor.
And so one morn he bored the boar –
that boar will bore no more!

Who bit the bold bald bear on the shoulder on the boulder and made the bold bald bear on the boulder bawl?

3x fast
Brandy bandaged the bear.

Bobby Bear’s B-B bean shooter.

The big bloke bled in the big blue bed.

Brenda Black was blameless. 

Why did the Sheriff arrest the cook?
For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

When is a jail not on land and not on water?
When it's on fire.

What kind of candy would a doomed prisoner like to have before he is hanged?
A Life Saver.

What did the comic say when the gangster stuffed a dirty piece of cloth into his mouth?
(That's an old gag.)

What did the prisoner about to be hanged say when he was pardoned at the last minute?
"No noose is good noose."

Funny (And/Or) Stupid - DECEMBER

Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.

What’s the difference between electricity and lightning?
You have to pay for electricity.

What did the electric company say during the blackout?
“AC come, AC go!”

Why don’t cows ever have any money?
Because the farmer milks them dry.

Why was the farmer arrested in the morning?
Because he hit the hay the night before.

What kind of cattle are always broke?
Bum steers.

Tongue Twisters
Sick cattle slip on slick ski slopes.

If he slipped, should she slip?

Is there a strap on the cap on that chap?
Or is there no strap on the cap on the chap?

The sly sheet slasher slashed sheets.

She shall sew a slit sheet shut.

A ghost’s sheets would soon shrink in such suds.

She shrieks as she stitches sheets.

Why did the muddy chicken cross the road twice?
Because it was a dirty double-crosser.

Why is a black chicken smarter than a white one?
A black chicken can lay white eggs, but a white chicken can't lay black eggs.

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.

Where can you find out more about chickens?
In a hen-cyclopedia.

Where can you find out more about ducks?
In a duck-tionary.

Why did Mama Doc scold her goslings?
For eating quackers in bed.

What animal pouts when it has to go to bed?
A whinocerous.

Who stays with young squids when their parents go out?

Why shouldn't you put a four-leaf clover under your pillow?
You don't want to press your luck.

What did the sleeping dog say when he fell off the couch?

TOURIST: Excuse me – how far is it to Smithville?
COUNTRY BOY: It’s about 5,000 miles in the direction you’re heading in your car, but only five miles if you turn around and go the other way.

PASSENGER: Are you sure this train stops at San Francisco?
CONDUCTOR: If it doesn’t, you’re going to hear an awful splash.

TOURIST: Do you make life-size enlargements from snapshots?
PHOTO CLERK: Yes, that’s our specialty.
TOURIST: Here are some pictures of the Grand Canyon.

What did the detective say when he finished packing his suitcase?
“Case closed.”

How does a gym teacher travel?
He flies coach.

What did the boy snake say to the girl snake?
“Give me a little hiss.”

Why are four-legged animals such poor dancers?
You would be, too, if you had two left feet.

Why is 3+ 3 = 7 like your left foot?
It’s not right.

How do you make meat loaf?
Send it on vacation.

How is an escaping prisoner like an airplane pilot?
They both want safe flights.

Who wears a black cape, flies through the night and wants to drink your flood?
A mosquito in a black cape.

What is green, has big eyes, and lives all alone in the pond?
Hermit the Frog.

What goes "Dit-dot-dot-croak, dit-dot-dot-croak”?
Morse toad.

What book tells you about all different kinds of owls?
Who’s Whoo.

Why was the owl the hit of the talent show?
He was a h-owl!

What bedtime story does Mama Ghost read to her children?
"Ghouldilcocks and the Three Bears.”

What would you get if Bambi met a ghost under your bed?

Why does Dracula want to meet your family?
He really likes the necks of kin.

Where do monsters sleep on Halloween?
At the Howliday Inn.

What you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything. He can't hear you.

Why is the Blob always the last one to bed?
Because when you ooze, you lose.

What do you say to a skeleton before it eats breakfast?
“Bone appetit!”

What does Dracula read each morning before his breakfast?
His horror-scope.

Why was E. T. the Extraterrestrial late for the sleepover?
He had to phone home.

Who’s there?
Howard Hughes.
Howard Hughes who?
Howard Hughes like a piece of candy?

Who’s there?
Howdy who?
Howdy you stand all these knock-knock jokes?

Who’s there?
Hugh who?
Hugh must be sick and tired of these knock-knock jokes.

Who’s there?
Howdy who?
Howdy I get there?

Who’s there?
Celeste who?
Celeste chance to open up the door.

Who’s there?
Hugo who?
Hugo first, I’ll follow.

TRAVEKER: Is this the bus to California?
TICKET AGENT: Yes, it goes to California in ten minutes.
TRAVELER: Wow! That fast!

Which words are always angry?

“Why are you still standing on the corner? Didn’t I tell you to take the 15th Street bus?”
“Sure, but so far only ten have gone by.”

TOURIST: What is this necklace made of?
NATIVE: Alligator teeth.
TOURIST: I guess they have the same value as pearls do to my people.
NATIVE: Not quite. Anyone can open an oyster.

Why did the elephant have a terrible vacation?
The airline lost his trunk.

What would you get if you crossed
. . . a shark with a parrot?
An animal that talked your ear off.

. . . a homing pigeon with a parrot?
A bird that asks the way home if it gets lost.

. . . a canary with a parrot?
A bird that knows both the words and the music.

. . . a bumblebee with a parrot?
An animal that talks about how busy it is all the time.

. . . a hyena with a parrot?
An animal that laughs at its own jokes.

. . . a woodpecker with a parrot?
An animal that talks to you in Morse code.

. . . a parrot and a soldier?
A parrot-trooper.

Tongue Twisters
Sooty Sukey shook some soot from sister Susie’s sooty shoes.

The shrewd shrew’s suede shoes.

Steph’s stock of stacked soccer socks stinks.

Shoes and socks shock Susan.

The suitor wore shorts and a short shooting suit to a short shoot.
But the shorts didn’t suit the short shooting suit.
And at the short shoot, the short shooting suit didn’t suit.
Oh, shoot!

Funny (And/Or) - Stupid - NOVEMBER 
What lives in the water and takes you anywhere you want to go?
A taxi crab.

When is the ocean friendliest?
When it leaves.

Why did the ocean roar at the ships?
Because they crossed it so many times.

Why was the ocean arrested?
Because it beat upon the shore.

What to do to oceans say when they meet after many years?
"Long time no sea."

What do you call a long series of hurricane names?
A gust (guest) list.

A camper fell out of the canoe into the middle of the lake. He neither swam nor sank how could that be?
He floated.

Why did Dracula walk around in his pajamas?
Because he didn't own a bat robe.

Why was the little ghost trapped in the linen closet?
It's mom folded its sheet.

What do you say to a quiet ghost under your bed?
"Please don't spook until you’re spoken to.”

What wears an eye patch and robs ships at night?
A vampirate.

What did Mama Ghost say to her children when they got in the car?
“Fasten your sheetbelts.

Who’s there?
Hootie who?
Hootie think you’re talking to?

Who’s there?
Hopi who?
Hopi New Year!

Who’s there?
House who?
House business?

Who’s there?
Howell who?
Howell done do you want your burger?

Who’s there?
Howl who?
Howl I get in if you don’t open the door?

Where does a shoe salesman go on vacation?
Boot camp.

What luggage did the puppy bring on vacation?
A doggie bag.

What kind of luggage always makes a fuss?

Where do owls stay when they travel?
At hoot-els.

Where do cows stay when they travel?

What happened when the prisoners put on a play?
It was a cell-out.

Did you hear about the latest Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde miracle medicine that was discovered?
One sip and you’re a new man.

How can you live eighty years and have only twenty birthdays?
Be born on February 29.

What snacks should you serve robots at parties?
Assorted nuts and bolts.

What do squirrels give each other on Valentine’s Day?

Tongue Twisters
Turtles waddle. Waiters toddle.

Trill two true tunes to the troops.

Theo’s throat throbs and thumps, thumps and throbs.

Thelma sings the theme song.

3x fast
Tacky tractor trailer trucks.

Twelve trim twin-track tapes.

What's the most romantic part of the ocean?
The spot where buoy meets gull.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
“I’m not shore.”

Who does the ocean date?
It goes out with the tide.

How do you cut the ocean into?
With a sea-saw.

Why is the ocean so grouchy?
Because it has crabs all over its bottom.

What's the best way to get a demon out of your bedroom?
Exorcise a lot.

Why do monsters use mouthwash?
They like to gargoyle.

What do ghosts put on first thing in the morning?
Their boojeans.

What did the ghost say when it floated through the bedroom wall?
“Pardon me, I'm just passing through."

Who gave King Tut his bath?
His mummy.

My do vampires gargle?
So they won’t have bat breath>

Who’s there?
Heaven who?
Heaven a wonderful time, wish you were here.

Who’s there?
Heidi who?
Heidi ho.

Who’s there?
Hence who?
Hence lay eggs.

Who’s there?
Henny who?
Henny port in a storm.

Who’s there?
Howard who?
Howard I know?

“ Be careful with that cold. Sneeze the other way.”
“I don’t know any other way.”

What's the best way to break a bad habit?
Drop it.

"I finally got my little brother to stop biting his nails."
"I made him wear shoes."

Why do smokers whisper?
Because smoking is not aloud.

What should smokers due to quit?
Butt out.

How are potatoes like loyal friends?
They’re always there when the chips are down.

A scientist invented a liquid that would dissolve anything it touched. However, he couldn’t sell the invention. Why?
There was nothing he could put the liquid in.

A scientist invented the most powerful glue in the world. However, he couldn’t use it. Why?
He couldn’t get the lid off the container.

Why are poets so poor?
Because rhyme doesn’t pay.

When is a person not a person?
When he’s a little cross. 

Tongue Twisters
Six sick shorn sheep.

The sixth sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.

Shorn sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack.

Shorn sheep should sleep in a shed.

The shady shoe shop shows sharp sharkskin shoes.

Sid’s shabby silver shoes still shine.

3x fast
Sharp sharkskin shoes.

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