3/24/25
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Racine.
Racine who?
“Racine with the moon.”
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
“Wendy moon comes over the mountain.”
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Raisin.
Raisin who?
Raisin a racket with all that noise.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Rapture.
Rapture who?
Rapture presents with a large bow.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Raul.
Raul who?
Raul out the barrel.
3/20/25
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Taller.
Why did the guy use the daily paper for Kleenex?
He had a nose for news.
Why did the reporter buy an ice cream cone?
He was desperate for a scoop.
A young man applied for a summer job.
“The job,” said the employer, “is for a garbage collector. Do you have any experience?”
“No, sir,” said the young man. “But I can pick it up as I go along.”
FOREMAN: Come on, get a move on with that bricklaying.
BRICKLAYER: Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know.
FOREMAN: That’s because there wasn’t a foreman on the job.
3/19/25
What's the best way to raise King Kong?
With a jack.
What is King Kong's favorite flower?
Chimp-pansies.
What should you do if you meet King Kong?
Give him a big banana.
How can you tell King Kong from a banana?
The banana is yellow.
What's the best way to take down the monkey’s voice?
With an ape recorder.
3/17/25
Tongue Twisters
Etta taught her daughter that she ought to barter smarter.
Eight eager eagles ogled old Edgar.
Every errand Randy ran for Erin was in error.
3x fast
Eighteen apes ate eighteen apricots.
3/13/25
What is a geologist favorite dessert?
Marble cake.
What sweets do geologists like?
Rock Candy.
What do ghouls drink at picnics?
Ice-ghoul lemonade.
What do frogs drink at picnics?
Croak-a-cola.
What do dogs drink at picnics?
Pupsi-cola.
3/12/25
What would you get if a 50 ton duck stomped on the ground?
And earthquack.
What kind of dogs do vampires own?
Bloodhounds.
What's a cow's favorite movie?
The sound of Moooosic."
What's a crayfish’s favorite movie?
"Fiddler Crab on the Roof."
What you call a pig flying a helicopter?
A pork chopper.
What kind of spaceship do sheep fly?
Ewe F. Os.
3/10/25
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Burton.
Burton who?
“Burton up your overcoat.”
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Buster.
Buster who?
Buster gut.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
Butter late than never.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Butternut.
Butternut who?
Butternut try to pick up a skunk.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Bwana.
Bwana who?
“Bwana hold your hand.”
3/6/25
ANGRY CUSTOMER: Those safety matches you sold me won’t strike.
STOREKEEPER: Well, you can’t get much safer than that.
APPLIANCE STORE CLERK: May I interest you in a new freezer?
LADY: No, I can’t afford it.
CLERK: It will pay for itself in no time.
LADY: Okay, as soon as it does, send it over.
LADY (in pet shop): Have you got any kittens going cheap?
PET SHOP OWNER: No, ma’am, all our kittens go “meow.”
BOY: Mister, would you sell me a shark?
PET SHOP OWNER: What do you want with a shark?
BOY: My cat is trying to eat my goldfish and I want to teach him a lesson.
CUSTOMER: Four bars of soap, please.
CLERK: Scented?
CUSTOMER: No, I’ll take them with me.
3/5/25
What do you find in air-conditioned banks?
Cold cash.
Why do bankers go to art school?
They like to draw interest.
What's a banker’s favorite dance?
The vaults.
What do sweet potatoes do when they play together?
They have yam sessions.
3/3/25
Tongue Twisters
Ned Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not.
So it's better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot, but Shott swears he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott himself,
Then Shott would be shot and Nott would not.
However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott but Nott.
It's not easy to say who was shot and who was not.
But we know who was Shott and who was Nott.
3x fast
Norse myths.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - FEBUARY
2/17/25
Tongue Twisters
Frank feasted on flaming fish at the famous Friday fish fry.
Can a flying fish flee far from a free fish fry?
Flat flying fish fly faster than flat, flying fleas.
3x fast
Free kiwis.
2/6/25
Why did the policeman put handcuffs on the front door of a home?
He was making a house arrest.
POLICEMAN: Do you know that's a stolen car you're driving?
DRIVER: Of course I do. How do you think I got it?
"Did you hear that the police caught a workaholic?
"What was he charged with?"
"He was resisting a rest."
What organized gang destroys wool coats?
The Mothia.
DIT: The police are looking for a man with one eye named Smith.
WIT: What's the other eye named?
2/5/25
Why did the doctor pour oil on his hands?
He wanted to be a smooth operator.
What does the polite surgeon say when he is about to operate?
"May I cut in?"
What did the man do when he found Chicago, Ill?
He called Baltimore, MD.
DOCTOR: Sorry I made you wait so long.
PATIENT: I didn't mind the wait so much, but I did think you'd like to treat my illness in its early stages.
2/3/25
Tongue Twisters
Betty better butter Buddy’s brother’s bagel.
But before Betty butters the bagel, Betty better butter boil and bake the bagel.
Bruce brought big biscuits.
Bob brought both briskets.
A box of biscuits,
a box of mixed biscuits,
and a biscuit mixer.
3x fast
Blake the baker bakes black bread.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - JANUARY
1/30/25
Tongue Twisters
The shepherd swiftly sheared the sleepy sheep with the sharp scissors.
Through rifts in the lofts, the soft snow sifts.
Then the white sheet lifts and the wind packs drifts.
“Stow your snowshoes, Sue.”
A tutor who tooted a flute tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?”
Timothy tapped on the tympani.
1/29/25
What show do to prisoners like to put on?
A cell-out (sell-out).
What do you call a sheep that hangs out with forty thieves?
Ali Baa Baa.
What do you call an elephant that hangs out with forty thieves?
Ali Babar.
What do you call someone who steals soap at camp?
A dirty crook.
How do hangmen keep up with current events?
They read the noose-paper.
What is the favorite sport of executioners?
Hang gliding.
1/27/25
What you get when you eat crackers in bed?
A crumby night sleep.
Did you hear about the soldier who bought a camouflage sleeping bag?
He can't find it.
Why do cowboys sleep on the range?
There isn't enough room on the refrigerator.
How quickly do eggs get ready for bed?
They scramble.
Which mountain is always sleeping?
Mount Everest.
1/23/25
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Saber.
Saber who?
Saber – she's drowning.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Eiffel.
Eiffel who?
Eiffel into the lake.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Sahara.
Sahara who?
Sahara you today?
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Freddy.
Freddy who?
Freddy, willing, and able.
On sale boats.
What do you say when you want to stop the ship?
Whoa, whoa, whoa the boat.
What do ships eat for breakfast?
Boatmeal.
SHIP'S CAPTAIN: Quick, operator! Get me an SOS!
OPERATOR: Sure. How do you spell that?
"I've been seeing spots before my eyes lately."
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No, just spots."
NIT: The doctor finally cured me of seeing spots.
NAT: How did she do that?
NIT: She took away my dominoes.
Norse myths.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - FEBUARY
2/17/25
Tongue Twisters
Frank feasted on flaming fish at the famous Friday fish fry.
Can a flying fish flee far from a free fish fry?
Flat flying fish fly faster than flat, flying fleas.
3x fast
Free kiwis.
2/6/25
Why did the policeman put handcuffs on the front door of a home?
He was making a house arrest.
POLICEMAN: Do you know that's a stolen car you're driving?
DRIVER: Of course I do. How do you think I got it?
"Did you hear that the police caught a workaholic?
"What was he charged with?"
"He was resisting a rest."
What organized gang destroys wool coats?
The Mothia.
DIT: The police are looking for a man with one eye named Smith.
WIT: What's the other eye named?
2/5/25
Why did the doctor pour oil on his hands?
He wanted to be a smooth operator.
What does the polite surgeon say when he is about to operate?
"May I cut in?"
What did the man do when he found Chicago, Ill?
He called Baltimore, MD.
DOCTOR: Sorry I made you wait so long.
PATIENT: I didn't mind the wait so much, but I did think you'd like to treat my illness in its early stages.
2/3/25
Tongue Twisters
Betty better butter Buddy’s brother’s bagel.
But before Betty butters the bagel, Betty better butter boil and bake the bagel.
Bruce brought big biscuits.
Bob brought both briskets.
A box of biscuits,
a box of mixed biscuits,
and a biscuit mixer.
3x fast
Blake the baker bakes black bread.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - JANUARY
1/30/25
Tongue Twisters
The shepherd swiftly sheared the sleepy sheep with the sharp scissors.
Through rifts in the lofts, the soft snow sifts.
Then the white sheet lifts and the wind packs drifts.
“Stow your snowshoes, Sue.”
A tutor who tooted a flute tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?”
Timothy tapped on the tympani.
1/29/25
What show do to prisoners like to put on?
A cell-out (sell-out).
What do you call a sheep that hangs out with forty thieves?
Ali Baa Baa.
What do you call an elephant that hangs out with forty thieves?
Ali Babar.
What do you call someone who steals soap at camp?
A dirty crook.
How do hangmen keep up with current events?
They read the noose-paper.
What is the favorite sport of executioners?
Hang gliding.
1/27/25
What you get when you eat crackers in bed?
A crumby night sleep.
Did you hear about the soldier who bought a camouflage sleeping bag?
He can't find it.
Why do cowboys sleep on the range?
There isn't enough room on the refrigerator.
How quickly do eggs get ready for bed?
They scramble.
Which mountain is always sleeping?
Mount Everest.
1/23/25
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Saber.
Saber who?
Saber – she's drowning.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Eiffel.
Eiffel who?
Eiffel into the lake.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Sahara.
Sahara who?
Sahara you today?
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Freddy.
Freddy who?
Freddy, willing, and able.
1/22/25
Where do you find bargains at sea?On sale boats.
What do you say when you want to stop the ship?
Whoa, whoa, whoa the boat.
What do ships eat for breakfast?
Boatmeal.
SHIP'S CAPTAIN: Quick, operator! Get me an SOS!
OPERATOR: Sure. How do you spell that?
"I've been seeing spots before my eyes lately."
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No, just spots."
NIT: The doctor finally cured me of seeing spots.
NAT: How did she do that?
NIT: She took away my dominoes.
"I went to see the eye doctor because I kept seeing spots. He gave me glasses."
"Did the glasses help?"
"Oh, yes, now I can see the spots much better."
What do you have if your head feels hot, your feet are cold, and you see spots in front of your eyes?
You probably have polka-dot socks over your head.
"Doctor, Doctor, my eyesight is getting worse!
"You're absolutely right. This is the post office."
DOCTOR: Have your eyes been checked?
PATIENT: No, they've always been plain brown.
Tongue Twisters
3x fast
Grant grasped at the grass.
Glen lent Gwen Wayne’s wrench.
Gene cleans queens’ screens.
Glum Gwendolyn’s glasses.
What's the difference between a sick person and seven days?
One is weak; the other is one week.
What's the difference between a dressmaker and a nurse?
One cuts the dresses; the other dresses the cuts.
Where's the best place to build offices for opticians and optometrists?
On a site for sore eyes.
How is an eye doctor like a teacher?
They both test pupils.
What do eye doctors sing when they test you?
"Oh, say can you see…"
1/13/25
How do you catch a fairy?
By its fairy tail.
How are spiders like ducks?
They both have webbed feet.
How big are centipedes?
One hundred feet long.
What would you get if two spiders wrestled?
Scrambled legs.
1/9/25
Knock K– nock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Gesundheit.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alfie.
Alfie who?
Alfie you later.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Algae.
Algae who?
Algae you in my dreams.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Ollie.
Ollie who?
Ollie do is dream of you.
1/8/25
Why do salmon swim upstream to spawn?
Because walking on the riverbank hurts their tails.
What's big, lives near the beach, and wears sunglasses?
A two-hundred pound seagull.
What do you call a beach that keeps losing sand?
A shore loser.
"Is that a surfboard?"
"No, it's a tongue depressor for my pet shark."
What's the best way to get around on the ocean floor?
By taxi crab.
1/6/25
What would you get if you crossed . . .
"Did the glasses help?"
"Oh, yes, now I can see the spots much better."
What do you have if your head feels hot, your feet are cold, and you see spots in front of your eyes?
You probably have polka-dot socks over your head.
"Doctor, Doctor, my eyesight is getting worse!
"You're absolutely right. This is the post office."
DOCTOR: Have your eyes been checked?
PATIENT: No, they've always been plain brown.
1/16/25
Tongue Twisters
3x fast
Grant grasped at the grass.
Glen lent Gwen Wayne’s wrench.
Gene cleans queens’ screens.
Glum Gwendolyn’s glasses.
What's the difference between a sick person and seven days?
One is weak; the other is one week.
What's the difference between a dressmaker and a nurse?
One cuts the dresses; the other dresses the cuts.
Where's the best place to build offices for opticians and optometrists?
On a site for sore eyes.
How is an eye doctor like a teacher?
They both test pupils.
What do eye doctors sing when they test you?
"Oh, say can you see…"
1/13/25
How do you catch a fairy?
By its fairy tail.
How are spiders like ducks?
They both have webbed feet.
How big are centipedes?
One hundred feet long.
What would you get if two spiders wrestled?
Scrambled legs.
1/9/25
Knock K– nock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Gesundheit.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alfie.
Alfie who?
Alfie you later.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Algae.
Algae who?
Algae you in my dreams.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Ollie.
Ollie who?
Ollie do is dream of you.
1/8/25
Why do salmon swim upstream to spawn?
Because walking on the riverbank hurts their tails.
What's big, lives near the beach, and wears sunglasses?
A two-hundred pound seagull.
What do you call a beach that keeps losing sand?
A shore loser.
"Is that a surfboard?"
"No, it's a tongue depressor for my pet shark."
What's the best way to get around on the ocean floor?
By taxi crab.
1/6/25
What would you get if you crossed . . .
. . . a 50 foot Martian and a 300 pound chicken?
The biggest cluck in the solar system.
. . . a woodpecker and a lion?
An animal that knocks before it eats you.
. . . an octopus and a cow?
An animal that can milk itself.
. . . a porcupine and a skunk?
A pretty lonesome animal.
. . . a crocodile and a kangaroo?
Leaping lizards.
1/2/25
Tongue Twisters
Once upon a barren moor
There dwelt a bear; also a boar.
The bear could not bear the boar,
The bear thought the boar a bore.
At last the bear could bear no more
That boar that bored him on the moor.
And so one morn he bored the boar –
that boar will bore no more!
Who Bit the bold bald bear on the shoulder on the boulder and made the bold bald bear on the boulder bawl?
3x fast
Brandy bandaged the bear.
Bobby Bear’s B-B bean shooter.
The big bloke bled in the big blue bed.
Brenda Black was blameless.
1/1/25
Why did the Sheriff arrest the cook?
For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.
When is a jail not on land and not on water?
When it's on fire.
What kind of candy would a doomed prisoner like to have before he is hanged?
A Life Saver.
What did the comic say when the gangster stuffed a dirty piece of cloth into his mouth?
(That's an old gag.)
What did the prisoner about to be hanged say when he was pardoned at the last minute?
"No noose is good noose."
The biggest cluck in the solar system.
. . . a woodpecker and a lion?
An animal that knocks before it eats you.
. . . an octopus and a cow?
An animal that can milk itself.
. . . a porcupine and a skunk?
A pretty lonesome animal.
. . . a crocodile and a kangaroo?
Leaping lizards.
1/2/25
Tongue Twisters
Once upon a barren moor
There dwelt a bear; also a boar.
The bear could not bear the boar,
The bear thought the boar a bore.
At last the bear could bear no more
That boar that bored him on the moor.
And so one morn he bored the boar –
that boar will bore no more!
Who Bit the bold bald bear on the shoulder on the boulder and made the bold bald bear on the boulder bawl?
3x fast
Brandy bandaged the bear.
Bobby Bear’s B-B bean shooter.
The big bloke bled in the big blue bed.
Brenda Black was blameless.
1/1/25
Why did the Sheriff arrest the cook?
For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.
When is a jail not on land and not on water?
When it's on fire.
What kind of candy would a doomed prisoner like to have before he is hanged?
A Life Saver.
What did the comic say when the gangster stuffed a dirty piece of cloth into his mouth?
(That's an old gag.)
What did the prisoner about to be hanged say when he was pardoned at the last minute?
"No noose is good noose."
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