Funny / Stupid Tab

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  DECEMBER 



12/13/18
What kind of TV program is shown early in the morning?
A breakfast serial.

What is the favorite meal of a shipbuilder?
Launch-time.

If two shirt collars had a race, who would win?
Neither. It would end in a tie.

Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up the pants.

What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas.

What does a computer call its mother and father?
Mama and Data.



12/12/18
DRIVER (on cell phone): Help! My car is stuck in quicksand!
INSURANCE AGENT: Don't get excited!
DRIVER: Why not?
INSURANCE AGENT: Because your car will be completely covered.

What car breathes fire?
A station dragon.

What car does an electrician drive?
A Voltswagen.

What vehicle does a hog drive?
A pig-up truck.

What you call pigs that drive trucks?
Squeals on wheels.


12/10/18     
Knock- Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Darren.
Darren who?
"Darren young man on the flying trapeze."

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Datsun.
"Datsun who?"
" Datsun will come out tomorrow."

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Icon.
Icon who?
"Icon see clearly now the rain has gone."

12/6/18
What kind of toy does the Godfather play within the tub?
A thug-boat.

When can't you take a bath on an airplane?
When the No Soaking sign is on.

Why did Silly Billy put ice cubes in his father's tub?
Because he likes cold pop.

How many rubber duckies can you fit into empty tub?
One. After that, the tub isn't empty.

What do bumblebees put in the bathtub first?
Their bee-hinds.

What would you be if a shark was in your bathtub?
Chicken of the sea.

12/5/18
Why are prisoners in jail the slowest talkers in the world?
They can spend twenty-five years on a single sentence.

How is an escaping prisoner like an airline pilot?
Both want safe flights.

Why was the picture sent to jail?
Because it was framed.

What did the police do in the shoe store?
Rounded up the sneakers and the loafers.

What kind of bars won't keep a prisoner in jail?
Chocolate bars.

What kind of party to prisoners like best?
A going-away party.

12/3/18
Tongue Twisters
Abbie’s Aunt Annie isn't answering Abbie’s Aunt Amy.

Angels hang ancient anchors at angles that anger ogers.

All artists aren't artful.
There are artful artists and awful artists.
Although there are a lots of awesome artful artists, annoying awful artists occur more often.

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  NOVEMBER 
11/29/18
Tongue Twisters 3X Fast
Stanley Steele still thinks someone stole his smooth steel slingshot.

Sally Stiller saddled six sorrel stallions.

Silly Sally’s slick saddle seldom seemed soft. Still, Sally sat side saddle and slowly sidled off.

Slick silk.

11/28/18
What was the Olympic athletes problem?
Slipped discus.

What problem do you get from eating too much?
You get thick to your stomach.

NIP: How did you break your leg?
TUCK: See that hole over there?
NIP: Yes.
TUCK: Well, I didn't.

VISITOR: My friend was run over by a steamroller and he's in the hospital. What room is he in?
NURSE: Room 105, 106, 107, and 108.


11/26/18
What Beatles song did the octopus sing in the shower?
"I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand.

What do fathers sing in the shower?
Pop.

What do goblins sing in the shower?
Rhythm and boos.

What does a mummy sing in the shower?
Wrap.

11/22/18

Knock- Knock
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Sanity.
Sanity who?

Sanity Claus.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Ali.
Ali who?
"Ali want for Christmas are my two front teeth."

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sarah extra key? I lost mine.

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Sarong.
Sarong who?
Sarong number; dial again.

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Duet.
Duet who?
Duet right.

11/21/18
What famous fish wears a red, white, and blue hat?
Uncle Salmon.

Who do fish get to clean their rooms?
Mermaids.

What are the strongest shellfish in the ocean?
Muscles.

Where do fish wash themselves?
In bass-tubs.

11/19/18
What would you get if you crossed a parrot and a bumblebee?
An animal that talks all the time about how busy it is.

What would you get if you crossed a parrot and a canary?
A bird that knows both the words and the music.

What did the scientist gets when he cost a cat and a parrot?
A purr-a-keet.

What does it mean when a barometer falls?
That whoever nailed it up didn't do a good job.

What would you get if you crossed the Invisible Man and a cow?
Vanishing cream.



11/15/18
Tongue Twisters
3X Fast
For French shrimp, try a French shrimp shop.

Fat flat frozen flounders.

Fresh figs.

Frank freed Fred’s fast frog.

11/14/18
Limerick Time
There was an old woman of Thrace
Who's nose spread all over her face.
She got very few kisses;
The reason for this is
There wasn't a suitable place.

There was a young girl from Bryn Mawr
Who carried politeness too far.
"Don't look now," she said,
With a tilt of her head,
"But someone is stealing your car!"

There was a young girl in the choir
Whose voice went up higher and higher.
It reached such a height,
It was clear out of sight;
And they found it next day in the spire.

11/12/18
How do dogs dance in Oz?
On their tippy Totos.

How do you make a strawberry swirl?
Send it to ballet school.

What dance do opticians attend?
The eye ball.

What's big, gray, sloppy, and goes "Hoppity, BOOM, hoppity, BOOM, hoppity, BOOM"?
The Easter Elephant.

Do barbers like to dance?
No, they just like to cut in.

11/8/18 
Knock- Knock
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
X.
X who?
X me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Xavier.
Xavier who?
Xavier money for a rainy day.

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Thomas.
Thomas who?
Thomas money.

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Xylophone.
Xylophone who?
Xylophone and call me.

11/7/18
What did Dorothy say while taking a bubble bath in Oz?
"There's no place like foam."

How did Robinson Crusoe survive after his boat sank?
He used a bar of soap and washed himself ashore.

Who does Clark Kent turn into when he takes a shower?
Soaperman.

Why did Cinderella's tub overflow?
Her rubber ducky turned into a pumpkin.

11/5/18
How did the sheriff find the missing barber?
He combed the town.

Why did the sheriff go to the barbecue?
He heard it was a place to have a steak out.

Why did the outlaw hold of the bakery?
He needed the dough.

What has red bumps and is the fastest gun in the West?
Rootin’ Tootin’ Raspbury.

What is small, purple, and dangerous?
A grape with a six-shooter.

What is green and dangerous?
A thundering herd of pickles.

11/1/18 
Tongue Twisters
Ted Blake's back break-block broke a bearing.
Did Ted Blake’s back brake-block break a bearing?
If Ted Blake's back brake-block broke a bearing,
Where's the bearing Ted Blake’s back brake-block broke?

A big black bat flew past.
A big brown bat flew past.
Did the big black bat fly past faster than the big brown bat flew past?

Aiken Bacon was baking bacon.
The bacon he was bakin’ was bought in Macon.
So he was makin’ baked Macon bacon.

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  OCTOBER 
10/31/18
"It's outrageous that this truck driver is charging us fifty dollars for towing us to miles."
"Don't worry. He's earning it. I have the brakes on."

SON: Dad, I have some good news and some bad news.
FATHER: Okay, give me the good news first.
SON: I drove the car this morning, and I'm happy to report that the airbag works great.

CUSTOMER: I've come to buy a car, but I don't remember the name. It starts with a "T".
SALESMAN: Sorry, we don't have cars that start with tea. All our cars start with gasoline.

Sign in a muffler shop:
NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY. WE HEARD YOU COMING.

10/29/18
Although she had laryngitis, the woman protested loudly against the doctor’s bill.
"You charged fifty dollars," she complained. "And all you did was paint my throat!"
"What did you expect?" the doctor replied. "Wallpaper?"

DOCTOR: Did you follow my directions: Drink water thirty minutes. before going to bed?
PATIENT: I tried to. But I was full after drinking for five minutes!

When they take out your appendix, they call it an appendectomy. When they take out your tonsils, they call it a tonsillectomy. What do they call it when they remove a growth from your head?
A haircut.

DOCTOR: Did you follow my directions?
PATIENT: Yes, Doctor. I've been taking three baths a day.
DOCTOR: Three what?
PATIENT: Three baths – just like the instructions on the bottle said.
DOCTOR: There must be some mistake.
PATIENT: Well, the bottle said to take a spoonful three times a day in water.

10/24/18
How do veterinarians swim laps?
They do the dog paddle.

How do chiropractors swim laps?
They do the back stroke.

How do spiders swim laps?
They do the crawl.

Had caterpillars swim laps?
They do the butterfly.

Why don't this go away for the summer?
Because they are always in school.

What's brown, hairy, and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.

Where do fish go on vacation?
To Finland.

10/22/18
Knock-Knock
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Fletcher.
Fletcher who?
Fletcher conscience be your guide.

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Folder.
Folder who?
Folder knows best.

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Formosa.
Formosa who?
Formosa my life I stand on your doorstep.

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Forty.
Forty who?
Forty life of me I can't remember.

10/18/18
What do frogs buy at the mall?
Open-toad sandals.

What do chimney sweeps buy at the mall?
Sootcases.

What do clones buy the mall?
Denim genes.

What do sheep buy the mall?
Baaaath towels.

What do cats buy at the mall?
Purrfume.

What do bumblebees buy at the mall?
Bee-kinis.

10/17/18
How did the patient get to the hospital so fast?
Flu.

Why do you lie down on a hospital bed?
Because you can't lie up.

What kind of alligator do you find in the hospital?
And illigator.

What has 15 letters, begins with an "A," ends with the "G," and means incredible pain?
"ARRRRRHHHHH-HHHG!"

10/15/18
Why does Silly Sarah put rollers in her hair before bed?
So she'll wake curly in the morning.

Why did the radish turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.

Why did Silly Billy wear a helmet to bed?
So he could crash.

What would you do if you trapped an elephant in your pajamas?
Make him take them off!

How did the court know the judge was ready for bed?
He was wearing his robe.

10/11/18
What does grass come down with?
Hay fever.

What do motorcycle riders come down with?
Vroom-atism.

What does Mickey Mouse come down with?
Disney spells.

What do beekeepers come down with?
Hives.

What contains the most vitamins?
A health food store.

10/10/18
Silly titles and their authors:
I Can Do Anything by Will Power

How to Get along with Your Sister by Sharon Sharealike

The Unfinished Story by Cliff Hanger

Why Amy Walked to School by Mr. Bus

Oops, I Did It Again! by Miss Take

Embarrassed in the Shower by Kurt N. Fell

10/8/18
Knock- Knock
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
No, déjà vu.

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Deli.
Deli who?
Deli-catessen.

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Delia.
Delia who?
Delia cards.

Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Kalamazoo.
Kalamazoo who?
Kalamazoo to see the lion's cage.

10/4/18
What did the girl snake give the boy snake after their first date?
A good-night hiss.

FIRST SNAKE: I'm writing my hiss-tory.
SECOND SNAKE: I'm a writer, too. I write boa-graphies

What's black and white and very dangerous?
A zebra on a skateboard.

What's black and white and wet all over?
A zebra taking a shower.

What's black and white and green?
A seasick zebra.

10/3/18
What do you tell a germ when it fools around?
"Don't bacilli!"

Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other side.

Which germ tastes best with pancakes?
Aunt Germ-ima.

What did one germ say to the other germ?
"You're making me sick."

Why do people with colds get plenty of exercise?
Their noses run.

Why was Whistler's mother in the hospital?
She went off her rocker.

10/1/18
Tongue Twisters
3X Fast
Chris criss-crossed the piecrust.

Caleb grabbed clicking crab claws.

Choice chilled cherries cheer Cheryl.

Clarence claims clams can't clap.

Tricky crickets.



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