Funny (And / Or) Stupid - DECEMBER
Where do you send a shoe in the summer?
To boot camp.
What do you call someone with a big red nose and purple hair who takes a plane from New York to Alaska?
What do you call a father who takes a plane to the North pole?
A cold pop.
Why isn't an elephant allowed on the plane?
Because his trunk won't fit under the seat.
How do you get a mouse to fly?
By it an airline ticket.
How do dogs travel?
Fairbanks pay interest.
Faith looks familiar.
Fantasy a movie last night.
"Wren you wish upon a star."
What should you say to a grumpy firefly?
What do mice wear when they shoot hoops?
Why do snakes ask for spoons?
Their tongues are already forked.
What do scorpions put on their hot dogs?
How do you know when there's a dinosaur under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
Where does Dr. Jekyll go to get some privacy?
To his Hyde-away.
FLIP: Have you heard the joke about the witch’s broom?
FLOP: No, I haven’t.
FLIP: That’s strange. It’s sweeping the nation.
FIRST WITCH: I had to drop out of witch school.
SECOND WITCH: What happened?
FIRST WITCH: I flunked spelling.
If the stork brings human babies, who brings the giant babies?
Did Dr. Frankenstein amuse his monster?
Yes, he kept him in stitches.
Larry sent the latter a letter later.
Lester lists the lesser lesson last.
Lesser leather never weathered lesser wetter weather.
Little licorice lollipops.
Funny (And / Or) Stupid - NOVEMBER
How do mountains hear?
With mountaineers (mountain ears).
Where do scientists raise magnets?
In magnetic fields.
What is yellow and always helpful?
A Boy Scout banana.
What grows fast and goes camping?
A Boy Sprout.
What do you get if you blow your hair dryer down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
How can you keep your hair dry in the shower?
Don't turn on the water.
If someone robed you in the shower, what would you be?
An eye wetness.
Where does a jogger like to wash up?
Under running water.
What did the faucet say to the shower?
“ You’re a big drip.”
Which rock singer really, REALLY needs a shower?
Mega the bed. I wanna go to sleep.
Megan end to these knock-knocks.
Melrose when I put a tack on his seat.
Mike makes right.
Mike kind of town, Chicago is.
What would you get if you crossed the Frankenstein monster with a pig?
What would you get if you crossed a monster with a heavy rainstorm?
What happened when the monster ate the electric company?
It was in shock for a week.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Why can't skeletons play music in church?
They have no organs.
“Keep still. I’m trying to think.”
“You’ve got to admit I’m always trying.”
“Yes, you most certainly are.”
“I’ve got an idea.”
“Be good to it; it must be lonely.”
“Do you know what your one great fault is?”
“I can’t imagine.”
“Right, only I never expected you to admit it.”
“Why do you wear eyeglasses?”
“Because my eyes are weak.”
“Have you thought about wearing a glass hat?”
Sharon sews shocking shirts for soldiers.
The sad soldier should shoot soon.
Sharpshooters should shoot slowly.
Soldiers’ shoulders shudder when shrill shells shriek.
Should six shaking soldiers share the shattered shield?
The short soldier shoots straight.
Why do surgeons wear masks during operations?
So that, if they make a mistake, no one will know who did it.
Why did the dog see the doctor?
Because a stitch in time saves canine.
What should you say when the Stature of Liberty sneezes?
“God bless America.
You can never catch a cold going up in an elevator. True or false?
True. You come down with a cold. You come up with a cure.
What would happen if you swallowed a dress?
You’d have a frock (frog) in your throat.
What boy wizard magically grew a beard each night?
Why did the ghost hire a maid?
To change his sheets every day.
Why did the baby ghost cry himself to sleep?
He had a boo-boo.
What do witches do after a sleepover?
They go home for a spell.
What do witches use after they’ve blow-dried their hair?
“Ceylon,” Columbus told his men.
Chair your sandwich, I’m hungry.
Champ who and a haircut, six bucks.
Charlotte of mosquitoes out tonight.
Cheese funny that way.
What do elephants wear on the legs?
Why don't elephants play basketball?
They don't look good in shorts.
Why are elephant rides cheaper than pony rides?
Elephants work for peanuts.
Why does an elephant need a trunk?
So it has something to hide behind when it sees a mouse.
Who gives money to elephants who lose a tooth?
The Tusk Fairy.
Why do elephants have round feet?
So they can walk on lily pads.
Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?
To carry their library cards.
Why do elephants prefer peanuts to chocolate mousse?
Peanuts are easier to get at the ballpark.
What elephant flies?
A Dumbo jet.
What is a monster's favorite necklace?
What was Dr. Jekyll's favorite game?
What game do ghost children like to play?
Sign in a funeral home:
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED OR DOUBLE YOUR MUMMY BACK
Ping: Did you hear about the new chocolate bar called Jaws?
Pong: No – what does it cost?
Ping: An arm and a leg.
Did you hear about the monster who had such a repulsive personality, when he threw a boomerang it wouldn't come back?
Why did the giant jog every morning?
To get his extra-size.
Fried fresh fish,
Fish fried fresh,
Fresh fried fish,
Fresh fish fried
Or fish fresh fried.
Friendly fleas and fireflies.
Friendly fleas and huffy fruit flies.
How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
The fleas fled far from the ferret’s fur.
What did the scientist get when he crossed a frog and a soft drink?
What did the scientist get when he crossed an egg and a soft drink?
The scientist invented a liquid that would dissolve anything it touched. He couldn't sell his invention, however. Why?
There was nothing in which he could put the liquid.
What happened when the scientist fell into the lens grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.
What is H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O?
The formula for water – H to O.
What card game to construction workers play?
What card game do anglers play?
What card game do cardiologists play?
What card game do prisoners play?
Funny (And / Or) Stupid - OCTOBER
"Abby seeing you in all the old familiar places…"
Abby and Manny.
Abby and Manny who?
Abby birthday and Manny happy returns.
Havana go home.
Hive a crush on you.
Why do prisoners like to eat a lot of sweets?
They are hoping to break out.
Why did the prisoner take a shower before he broke out of jail?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.
How is a person in jail like a sinking ship?
Both want to be bailed out.
Why did the Sheriff arrest the chicken?
It used fowl language.
A prisoner was in jail. All he had in his cell was a piano. Yet, he managed to escape. How did he do it?
He played the piano until he found the right key.
What has hands but never washes them?
What goes "ring, ring" every morning at the wrong time?
A false alarm clock.
Why did the pilot sit on her alarm clock?
She wanted to be on time.
What timepiece leaps tall buildings in a single bound?
What happened when the dog swallowed and alarm clock?
It got a lot of ticks.
How do you know when your alarm clock is hungry?
It goes back for seconds.
Brian's bride bakes buns, but Brian buys baked bread.
Gophers go golfing.
Nine nimble noblemen nibbled nuts.
The quack quit asking quick questions.
What you call a fish without an eye?
Where does Albert Einstein keep his fish?
In a think tank.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I've seen a whale blubber.
What is the fish's favorite dessert?
Who grants fishes’ wishes?
The fairy codmother.
Why don't fish use computers?
They might get caught in the Net.
What skeleton was a master detective?
What's a demon's favorite dessert?
Devil’s food cake.
What would you get if you crossed…
… a monster and a chicken?
A creature that's always in a fowl mood.
… a monster and a goat?
A creature that eats a path to your door.
… peanut butter, bread, jelly, and a werewolf?
A hairy peanut butter and jelly sandwich that howls when the moon is full.
What would you get if you crossed an animal from the Wild West and a duck?
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he went off to school?
What kind of typewriter does Count Dracula use in his laboratory?
One that types blood.
What would you get if you crossed a porcupine and an alarm clock?
A stickler for punctuality.
What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
"You attract me."
What is black and white and red all over?
A penguin that has done 100 push-ups.
What's the difference between a baker and an elephant?
One bakes the bread, the other breaks the bed.
What's the difference between a river and a jogger?
A river can run for miles and never get out of the bed.
Why did the beggar feel like an old bed?
Because everyone kept turning him down.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
So you don't wake the sleeping pills.
What confusing dream did the Egyptian girl have?
She dreamed that her daddy was a mummy.
What farm animal is the best boxer?
Why don't rabbits play football?
Their ears won't fit in the helmet.
What do you call a person who does arithmetic and scores touchdowns?
Where do athletes like to stay?
What weights do beginning bodybuilders use?
What animal lives in a gym?
How did the busy track star do his homework?
On the run.
Sixty-six sticky skeletons.
Come kick six sticks quick.
Keep clean socks in a clean sock stack.
Peter poked a poker at the piper, so the piper poked pepper at Peter.
A cheeky chimp chucked cheap chocolate chips in the cheap chocolate chip shop.
Keep clean socks in a clean sock stack.
WAITER: You ought to give me a tip. Why, every champion cheapskate that comes into this place gives me at least a quarter.
CUSTOMER: Meet the new champ.
MAN: I'd like a glass of ginger ale.
MAN: No, a glass will be enough.
CUSTOMER: I’d like a cup of coffee.
FRIEND: I'd like one too, and make sure it's in a clean cup.
WAITRESS (bringing back the coffee): Okay, which one ordered the clean cup?
CUSTOMER: Give me something to eat and make it snappy.
WAITER: How about a crocodile sandwich?
"Waiter, this menu is blank on one side."
"That's in case you're not hungry."
How do we know that most flowers are lazy?
They're always in a bed.
What does a monster do before he gets out of his car?
He kills the engine.
What's black and white and wrinkled and makes pit stops?
A racing prune.
What do cows use for money?
What close relatives do boy robots have?
Miners yours, and yours are mine.
Mister by that much.
Come over to my house.
Dewey half to go on meeting like this?
Hominy people live here?