Funny / Stupid Tab

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  APRIL 



4/26/17                
Why are pizza makers so wealthy?
They're always rolling in dough.

Why should Snow White make a good judge?
She's the fairest of them all.

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse drive?
A Minnie van.

How did the lumberjack chop down a tree?
Axedentally.

Why did the farmer plow his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.


4/24/17            
Tongue Twisters
Sally Swim saw Sadie Slee slowly, sadly swinging.
"She seems sorrowful," said she.
So she started singing.
Sadie smiled, soon swiftly swung;
Sitting straight, steered swiftly.
"See," said Sally, "something sung scatters sunshine swiftly!"

3 x  fast:
Surely the sun shall shine soon.

Some shun summer sunshine.

Shirley Simms shrewdly shuns sunshine and sleet.

Stupid Stanley Sands stifled Stephen Stubbs.

Sally studied stenciling.

Sue sucks sugar and sherbet through a straw.

Sixty shifty shoppers shoplifting on a nifty ship.

The sun shines on the shop signs.


4/20/17                    
What do models eat off of?
Fashion plates.

Why are frogs usually so happy?
They get to eat what bugs them.

SISTER: Mom wants you to come in and fix dinner.
BROTHER: Why? Is it broken?

What do geeks and nerds eat?
Square meals.

"I don't like the cheese with holes in it."
"Then eat the cheese and leave the holes on your plate."

"There's a mouse in the kitchen."
"Let it alone. Mice are supposed to be lucky."
"This one certainly is. It ate your lunch."

CUSTOMER: What dressing do you have for the salad?
WAITER: Blue cheese.
CUSTOMER: What other colors have you got?

What's good on bread but bad on the road?
Jam.


4/19/17                  
Why was the giant arrested when he set out on a trip?
Because he hit the road.

What keeps a monster from being a good dancer?
He has three left feet.

Why are vampire families so close?
Because blood is thicker than water.

What would you get if you crossed. . .
. . .a jolly fat man in a red suit with a werewolf?
Santa Claws.

. . . a werewolf with a boat?
A wolf in ship's clothing.

. . .  a werewolf and a zebra?
A killer in a striped suit.

. . . a werewolf and Lassie?
A pedigreed monster.

. . . a pet dog and a werewolf?
A new owner every full moon.


4/17/17         
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Targets.
Targets who?
Targets on my shoes when I walk on new asphalt.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Tennis.
Tennis who?
Tennis larger than nine.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cantina.
Cantina who?
Cantina have a cookie?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo, “Vroom, vroom.”

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cattle.
Cattle who?
Cattle purr if you pet it.


4/13/17                   
What kind of geese come from Portugal?
Portu-geese.

What looks like a snake, swims in water, and honks?
An automob-eel.

What kind of car do you drive in the fall?
An autumn-mobile.

What makes the road broad?
The letter "B."

What did one dumbbell say to the other?
“Hey, weight for me!”


4/12/17                     
What TV programs should you watch in the bathtub?
Soap operas.

What do you take when you have a cell phone in the bathroom?
Babbel baths.

How does a bear test his bath water?
With its bear (bare) feet.

Why was the giraffe in the tub for ten hours?
Its mom told it to wash its neck.

What do prizefighters wear to bed?
Boxers.

What do Japanese people wear to bed?
Tea-shirts.


4/10/17       
Tongue Twisters
Farrah’s flannel fabric frequently frays.

Feed the flies fly food, Floyd.

A fly and a flee in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
"Let us fly!" Said the flee
And they flew through the flaw in the flue.
Said the flee to the fly as he flew through the flue,
"There's a flaw in the floor of the flue."
Said the fly to the flee as he flew through the flue,
"A flaw in the flue doesn't bother me. Does it bother you?


3x fast
Five fat French fleas freeze.

How many times can you say this and 10 seconds?
The fleas fled far from the ferret's fur.


4/6/17           
Why did the cow cross the street?
To get to the utter side.

What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed-wire fence?
Utter disaster.

What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
"It's pasture bedtime."

What would you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kangamoo.

Knock- Knock
Who's there?
Cows.
Cows who?
No, cows moo.

What TV programs do cows watch in bed?
Moo-vies.

When do slugs watch TV?
During slime time.

What TV sets to zebras watch?
Black and white.


4/5/17               
What's the difference between a comedian and a gossip?
A comedian has a sense of humor; a gossip has a sense of rumor.

What's the difference between a rug and a bottle of medicine?
One you take up and shake, the other you shake up and take.

What's the difference between the law and an ice cube?
One is justice, and the other is just ice.

What's the difference between the North Pole and the South Pole?
All the difference in the world. Meaning: there is a world of difference between them.

What's the difference between a frog and a cat?
A frog croaks all the time, the cat only nine times.

4/3/17                   
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Thames.
Thames who?
Thames da breaks.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Harmon.
Harmon who?
"Harmon love with a wonderful guy."

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Juneau.
Juneau who?
Juneau something I don't know?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Zany.
Zany who?
Zany body seen my girl?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Wren.
Wren who?
Wren are you coming over?

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  MARCH 

3/30/17        
A man filling out a job application came to the part of the form that said, "List the person to notify in case of an emergency."
The man thought and then wrote, "First person you see."

BOSS: I've got to hire a new chauffeur. He nearly killed me today.
WORKER: Oh, give him another chance.

How did the laundry woman look after a day’s work?
Washed out.

In what factory does Humpty Dumpty work?
In an eggplant.

What happened when all the king's men told Humpty Dumpty a joke?
He fell for it.


3/29/17        
"You look like George Washington."
"Is it my eyes, my nose, or my highbrow?"
"No, it's your wig."

"A little bird whispered something in my ear."
"It must have been a cuckoo."

"Did you make up that joke all by yourself?
"Yes, out of my head."
"You must be."

"If a person's brain stops working, does he die?"
"How can you ask such a question? Your alive, aren't you?"

You might as well laugh at yourself once in a while – everyone else does.


3/27/17  
Tongue Twisters
The dwarf’s dwellings are by the dark wharf. There are dogs by the dark wharf and they woof at the dwarfs as the dwarfs walk on the wharf.
When the dark wharf is foggy, the dwarf’s dwellings seem far away and that makes the dwarfs wish the dogs on the dark wharf would woof, so the dwarves could weave their way through the fog to their dwellings.
“What are dogs for if not to woof?” the dwarfs wonder.

Eloquent elephants telephoned other eloquent elephants.

3x
Eleven little leather loafers.

Fifty-five firefighters fried fifty-five french fries.

I fear this flowered floral fabric is flawed.


3/23/17       
Which baseball league has the most trees and shrubs?
The bush leagues.

Why is school like baseball?
The bell strikes one, two, three – and you’re out.

Why did the baseball team sign up a two-headed monster?
To play double-headers.

What is the difference between a boy who is late for dinner and a baseball hit over the fence?
One runs home:  the other is a home run.

What is the difference between a baseball player and a vampire?
One bats flies, the other flies bats.


3/22/17      
What sickness do rodeo riders get?
Bronc-itis.

Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide.

Why is an eye doctor like a teacher?
They both test the pupils.

What is a drill sergeant?
An army dentist.

Where do strawberries play their saxophones?
At jam sessions.


3/20/17       
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Black Panther.
Black Panther who?
Black Panther in the wash so I wore my brown ones.


Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Boo-hoo.
Boo-hoo who?
Stop it, you’re breaking my heart.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Boris.
Boris who?
Boris to death, why don’t you?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Boycott.
Boycott who?
Boycott his jeans on the fence.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Boyd.
Boyd who?
Boyd, did he make a mistake.


3/16/17 
"My grandma fell down the stairs."
"Celler?"
"No, I think she can be repaired."

What did the mother rope say to her child?
"Don't be knotty."

MOM: For once I'd like to come into the kitchen and not see you digging through the refrigerator.
KID: Try whistling before you come in.

MOTHER: Did I make the toast too dark?
DAUGHTER: I can't tell yet. The smoke is too thick.

GRANDMA: Remember my motto. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
GRANDDAUGHTER: Okay, Grandma, that makes sense. We’d better eat the rest of the cake.


3/15/17         
NURSE: Your pulse is as steady as a clock.
PATIENT: You got your hand on my watch.

Why did the mother owl take her baby to the doctor?
Because it didn't give a hoot.

Why did the mother cow go to the doctor?
She felt udderly exhausted.

Why did the mother skunk take her baby to the doctor?
Because it was out of odor.

Why did the mother cow take her baby to the doctor?
Because it was so moo-dy.


3/13/17  
Tongue Twisters
How much dew could a dewdrop drop if a dewdrop could drop dew?

My dame had a lame, tame crane;
My dame had a lame, tame crane.
Oh, pray, gentle Jane,
Let my dame’s lame crane
Pray drink and come home again.

Does a double bubble gum double bubble?

Dave’s date dared Dave and Dale to dive.
Dave couldn’t dive.
“Darn it, Dale, dive!” Dave’s date demanded.
“Don’t dare Dale,” Dave declared. “Dale doesn’t do dives.”

Dan’s little delivery to the livery was delayed.

Darby destroyed Dunby’s derby.


3/9/17      
Why did the outlaw gang try to steal the baseball field?
Because it was the biggest diamond in the world.

What did the little electric robot say to its mother?
“I love you watts and watts.”

What snacks should you serve robots at parties?
Assorted nuts.

Why did the scientist study electricity?
He wanted to keep up with current events.

What did the scientist get when she crossed an electric eel and a sponge?
Shock absorbers.


3/8/17       
Wacky medical book titles and their authors.

How to Heal a Sore Throat
by Lauren Jitis

Shots Don’t Hurt!
by Ben Dover

Malaria Symptoms
by Amos Quito

Veggies for Your Health
by Brock O’Lee

Clone Yourself
by Gene Splitter

Everyday Dental Care
by Pearl E. Teeth

How to Cure Stomach Pain
by Tom E. Ake


3/6/17     
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Beater.
Beater who?
Beater round the bush.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me, I forgot my name.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Beef.
Beef who?
Beef-fore I tell you, let me in.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Bjorn.
Bjorn who?
“Bjorn free, as free as the wind blows.”

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Bob.
Bob who?
Bob, Bob, black sheep, have you any wool?”


3/2/17    
Why wasn't the crooked railroad conductor arrested?
Because he covered his tracks.

"How long will your brother be in jail?"
"Thirty days."
"What's the charge?"
"No charge. Everything's free."

What would you get if you crossed a magician with a snake?
Abra-ca-cobra.

Why did the watchmen get a promotion?
He worked ‘round the clock.

What you call a plumber’s helper?
A drainee.


3/1/17  
How did the ditchdigger get his job?
He just fell into it.

What do you find more in sorrow than in anger?
The letter R.

What makes a chess player happy?
Taking a knight off.

What happened to the woman who covered herself with vanishing cream?
Nobody knows.

What geometric figure to sailors fear?
The Bermuda Triangle.

What does an executioner do on his day off?
Nothing. He just hangs around.


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