Funny (And / Or) Stupid - OCTOBER
What you call a fish without an eye?
Where does Albert Einstein keep his fish?
In a think tank.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I've seen a whale blubber.
What is the fish's favorite dessert?
Who grants fishes’ wishes?
The fairy codmother.
Why don't fish use computers?
They might get caught in the Net.
What skeleton was a master detective?
What's a demon's favorite dessert?
Devil’s food cake.
What would you get if you crossed…
… a monster and a chicken?
A creature that's always in a fowl mood.
… a monster and a goat?
A creature that eats a path to your door.
… peanut butter, bread, jelly, and a werewolf?
A hairy peanut butter and jelly sandwich that howls when the moon is full.
What would you get if you crossed an animal from the Wild West and a duck?
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he went off to school?
What kind of typewriter does Count Dracula use in his laboratory?
One that types blood.
What would you get if you crossed a porcupine and an alarm clock?
A stickler for punctuality.
What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
"You attract me."
What is black and white and red all over?
A penguin that has done 100 push-ups.
What's the difference between a baker and an elephant?
One bakes the bread, the other breaks the bed.
What's the difference between a river and a jogger?
A river can run for miles and never get out of the bed.
Why did the beggar feel like an old bed?
Because everyone kept turning him down.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
So you don't wake the sleeping pills.
What confusing dream did the Egyptian girl have?
She dreamed that her daddy was a mummy.
What farm animal is the best boxer?
Why don't rabbits play football?
Their ears won't fit in the helmet.
What do you call a person who does arithmetic and scores touchdowns?
Where do athletes like to stay?
What weights do beginning bodybuilders use?
What animal lives in a gym?
How did the busy track star do his homework?
On the run.
Sixty-six sticky skeletons.
Come kick six sticks quick.
Keep clean socks in a clean sock stack.
Peter poked a poker at the piper, so the piper poked pepper at Peter.
A cheeky chimp chucked cheap chocolate chips in the cheap chocolate chip shop.
Keep clean socks in a clean sock stack.
WAITER: You ought to give me a tip. Why, every champion cheapskate that comes into this place gives me at least a quarter.
CUSTOMER: Meet the new champ.
MAN: I'd like a glass of ginger ale.
MAN: No, a glass will be enough.
CUSTOMER: I’d like a cup of coffee.
FRIEND: I'd like one too, and make sure it's in a clean cup.
WAITRESS (bringing back the coffee): Okay, which one ordered the clean cup?
CUSTOMER: Give me something to eat and make it snappy.
WAITER: How about a crocodile sandwich?
"Waiter, this menu is blank on one side."
"That's in case you're not hungry."
How do we know that most flowers are lazy?
They're always in a bed.
What does a monster do before he gets out of his car?
He kills the engine.
What's black and white and wrinkled and makes pit stops?
A racing prune.
What do cows use for money?
What close relatives do boy robots have?
Miners yours, and yours are mine.
Mister by that much.
Come over to my house.
Dewey half to go on meeting like this?
Hominy people live here?
Funny (And / Or) Stupid - SEPTEMBER
What can you do to help a sick bird?
Get it tweeted.
Why was Tweety Bird the first one to go to the hairstylist?
Because the early bird gets the perm.
Why did the bird wear a toupee?
It was a bald eagle.
What bird goes to church?
A bird of pray.
What do you call a frightened woodpecker?
Chicken of the trees.
What kind of mistakes to ghosts make?
Did you hear what happened to the ghoul who fell down the well?
He kicked the bucket.
What kind of an ant is ten feet tall?
What do you get when a giant walks through a potato field?
What do you get when a giant walks through your vegetable garden?
Buster broke Broncos. Buster was a bronco buster.
The little addled adder added ads.
Isis envies Isley’s ivy.
This disc sticks.
Pairs of parakeets parent parrots perfectly.
Why are mountain climbers curious?
Because they always want to take another peak. (peek)
Why didn't the mountain climber hurt himself when he fell off the cliff?
Because he was wearing a light fall suit.
How can you climb Mount Everest without getting tired?
Be born on top.
If you go on a trek through the desert, what should you take along?
A thirst-aid kit.
What is a mile high and spins?
A mountain top.
What kind of a bird hunt is never successful?
A wild goose chase.
What makes a goose different from other animals?
Most animals grow up, but a goose grows down.
Why do people get goose bumps?
Because camel bumps are to big.
What do you call someone who treats sick ducks?
I am who?
You mean you don't know me either?
"Icon get it for you wholesale."
Ida like to shake your hand.
Idaho-ped I’d get out of here sooner.
Maya never darken my door again.
What time does a shark get up?
What time does a doctor get up?
What time does a dentist get up?
What time does a tennis player get up?
What time does a duck get up?
At the quack of dawn.
What's a monsters normal eyesight?
How does the monster count to eighteen?
On his fingers.
What do ghosts chew?
When do comedians take milk and sugar?
At tea-hee time.
What cuts lawns and gives milk?
A lawn moo-er.
Cheerful Charlie chose a cheesy chowder.
Did cheerful Charlie choose a cheesy chowder?
If cheerful Charlie chose a cheesy chowder,
How cheerful was Charlie after he chose the cheesy chowder?
When a doctor gets sick and another doctor doctors him, does the doctor doing the doctoring have to doctor the doctor the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored, or does the doctor doing the doctoring of the doctor doctor the doctor as he wants to do the doctoring?
In Huron a hewer, Hugh Hughes,
Hewed yews of unusual hues.
Hugh Hughes used blue yews
To build sheds for new ewes;
So his new ewes blue-hued ewe-sheds use.
What is yellow and goes "hmmmm”?
An electric lemon.
What is yellow and long and always points north?
A magnetic banana.
What would you get if you crossed a banana and a bell?
A banana you can peel more than once.
What would you get if you crossed a sheep and a banana?
What would you get if you cross the banana and a banana?
A pair of slippers.
Why don't bananas ever get lonely?
Because they go around in bunches.
WACKY NATURE BOOKS
How to Catch Butterflies
by Annette N. Ajar
Collecting Clams and Muscles
by Shelley Beech
My Life as a Lumberjack
by Tim Burr
Safe Winter Driving
by I. C. Rhodes
Why Bees Love Flowers
by Polly Nation
"Ooze afraid of the big, bad wolf?"
Roach you a letter but you didn't write back.
Skit this show on the road.
Uganda come to my party?
Adam up and send me the bill.