Funny / Stupid Tab

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  JUNE

6/18/18
Why do beavers spend so much time on the Internet?
They never want to log off.

Where do snowmen put their websites?
On the Winternet.

Why did the computer sneeze?
It had a virus.

What do you call a grandmother who designs programs?
A computer programma.

What's a carpenter's favorite computer icon?
The toolbar.

What do computer programmers do on the weekends?
Go for disk drives.

6/14/18
What weighs 12,000 pounds and is covered with a special sauce?
A Big MacElephant.

What's convenient and weighs two tons?
An elephant six-pack.

Why don't elephants tip bellhops?
They like to carry their own trunks.

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they can't carry all of their stuff in their makeup case.

What would you get if you put 100 pounds of peanuts in an elephant’s cage?
A happy elephant.

6/13/18
Limericks
There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, "It hurts as I feared! –
Four larks and a wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard."

There was a young lady of Troy
Whom several large flies did annoy.
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump
And some she took with her to Troy.

The chin it was meant to give trouble,
Either pimples or dimples or stubble,
Though some have the gall
To grow not at all,
While others come triple and double.

There once was a girl of New York
Whose body was lighter than cork.
She had to be fed
For six weeks upon lead
Before she went out for a walk

6/11/18
Knock-Knock
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Datsun.
Datsun who?
Datsun of mine is spoiled.

Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Deep Ends.
Deep Ends who?
"All Deep Ends on you."

Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Defeat, defense and detail.
Defeat, defense and detail who?
Defeat of the dog jumped over the defense before detail.

Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Delaware.
Delaware who?
Delaware your new dress to the party.

Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Dakar.
Dakar who?
Dakar is broken, I had to walk.

6/7/18
Where did the Seahorse live?
In the barn-acle.

What do you say to someone who falls off his surfboard because he's showing off?
"Surf’s you right!"

How do boaters start the race?
They say, "Ready, set – row!"

Gladys went swimming. She saw a big shark, but she wasn't afraid.
Why not?
Because it was a man-eating shark.

What is worse than seeing a shark’s fins?
Seeing its tonsils.

What to sharks call swimmers?
Dinner.

6/6/18
Why did Silly Billy take a shower?
Because the bathtub was too heavy.

Why did the police officer pack a bar of soap?
The city had a high grime rate.

What's the best dessert to eat in the shower?
Sponge cake.

What kind of cake makes you gag?
A cake of soap.

Where do rabbits go for a shampoo?
To a hare-dresser.

6/4/18
Tongue Twisters
If you cross a cross across a cross,
Or cross a stick across a stick,
Or cross a stick across a cross,
Or cross a cross across a stick,
Or stick a cross across a cross,
Or stick a cross across a stick,
Or stick a stick across a cross,
What a waste of time!

Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends.
See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See’s saw before See saw Soar’s seesaw, then See’s saw would not have sawed Soar’s seesaw.
But See saw Soar’s seesaw before Soar saw See’s saw, so See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.
It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore, because See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.

Polly painted a plate of pasta on Peter’s pizza parlor poster.
Peter Piper paid for pepperoni pizza.
If Peter Piper paid for pepperoni pizza,
Then where’s the pepperoni pizza Peter Piper purchased?

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  MAY
5/31/18
Where do pilots keep their personal things?
In air pockets.

What people travel the most?
Romans.

What people travel the fastest?
Russians.

Why don't people visit Transylvania?
Because it’s a terror-tory.

What egg travels to unknown places?
An eggs-plorer.

How do mice find their way when they travel?
With rod-ent maps.

5/30/18
How do billboards talk?
In sign language.

How do leopards do their shopping?
From cat-alogs.

Why did the bald man refuse to buy a wig?
He didn’t want toupee.

Why did the rabbit buy a house?
It was tired of the hole thing.

Why did the rabbit get a job at the grocery store?
It wanted a raise in celery.

5/28/18 
Knock- Knock
Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going out tonight?

Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Phyllis.
Phyllis who?
Phyllis form out and return it to me.

Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Europa.
Europa who?
Europa steer and I'll watch.

Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Pig.
Pig who?
Pig up your feet when you walk.

5/24/18
What do alligators cook in?
Croc-pots.

Where do bad vegetables go?
To the re-farm-atory.

What do hog students write with?
Pigpens.

Where do hogs keep their money?
In piggy bank's.

Why do frogs have such an easy life?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.

What should you do with a crude pepperoni?
Give it a pizza your mind.

5/23/18
"My uncle was on a quiz show and won a trip to Australia."
"Did he go?"
"Yes, five years ago. He's been trying to win a trip back ever since."

"My daughter went on a cruise."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she wanted to go."

"My son came to visit me on vacation."
"That's nice. Did you meet him at the airport?"
"No, I've known him all my life."

"Great news, Son! We've saved enough money to go to Disneyland."
"That's great, Dad. When are we going?"
"As soon as we save enough to get back."

What kind of journey can you take without leaving your home?
An ego trip.

5/21/18
Where does the gingerbread man sleep?
Under a cookie sheet.

What weighs two tons, feels cold to the touch, and comes on a stick?
A hippopopsicle.

What clothing does a house wear?
Address.

What do you get when you use soap and water on the stove?
Foam on the range.


5/17/18
Tongue Twisters
Mummies munch much mush;
Monsters munch much mush;
Many mummies and monsters must munch much mush.

Should a sheep shave a short single shingle thin, or shave a short thin single cedar shingle thinner?

(3x Fast)
The Abominable Snowman seeks six thick sticks.

Should a shark share swordfish steak?



5/16/18 
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida.

Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

Why did the goose cross the road?
Because the light was green.

5/14/18
Knock – Knock
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore that.

Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Eyewash.
Eyewash who?
"Eyewash you a Merry Christmas."

Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Fangs.
Fangs who?
"Fangs for the memories."

Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Farm.
Farm who?
Farm me to knowing you to find out.

Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Ferry.
Ferry who?
"Ferry tales can come true."

5/10/18
What kind of stories do little horses read in kindergarten?
Ponytails.

Where do religious school students have recess?
On the prayground.

Why do principals always visit math classes?
They're the rulers of the school.

Where do chickens find information for their term papers?
In the hencyclopedia.

What's the best paper to write in a stream?
Your brook report.

How do fish paint in art class?
With watercolors.

What's the most important thing to write on a test?
Your name.


5/9/18
Why did the police arrest the cat?

Because of the kitty litter.

How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to turn it and another to overturn.

What's a lawyer's favorite meal?
Brief Stroganoff.

Where do lawyers play tennis?
At the Supreme Court.

POLICEMAN: Your license says you should be wearing glasses. Why aren't you wearing them?
MOTORIST: I have contacts.
POLICEMAN: I don't care who you know. I'm giving you a ticket.

What telephone number does a pig call when it gets into trouble?
Swine one one.


5/7/18
Tongue Twisters
A curious cream-colored cat crept into the crypt and crept out again.
Did the curious cream-colored cat creep into the crypt and creep out again?
If a curious cream-colored cat crept into the crypt and crept out again,
Where's the curious cream-colored cat that crept into the crypt and crept out again?

How many times can you say this in10 seconds?

Chris' craft crashed.

3X Fast
Who checked the charts of the cud-chewing cow?

The commander commanded the commandos.

Chip’s ships sank.


5/3/18     
Why don't you go to a tailor and have a fit?
"Whenever I'm in the dumps, I buy new cloths."
"So – that's where you get them!"

Your clothes are so loud, they should come with a volume control.

"When is feeding time at the zoo?"
"One o'clock. If you hurry, you can still get a bite."

"Good-bye."
"You've already said goodbye twice."
"It's always a pleasure to say good-bye to you."

5/2/18
What would you get if you crossed a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
Yam sessions.

What kind of music do you hear when you throw a stone into a lake?
Plunk rock.

What kind of car does a rich rock star drive?
A rock-n-Rolls Royce.

What did the hiker say after being on Safari for one week?
"Safari so good."

What did the hiker yell when he saw the avalanche?
"Here come the Rolling Stones!"

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  APRIL
4/30/18  
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Eamon.
Eamon who?
“Eamon the mood for love.”

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Earle.
Earle who?
“Earle I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.”

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Eclipse.
Eclipse who?
Eclipse my hair too close, that barber.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Edsel.
Edsel who?
Edsel there is, there ain’t no more.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Eel.
Eel who?
Eel feel better in the morning.

4/26/18   
"I know a guy who stole parts from 10 different cars and put them all together."
"What did he get?"
"Twenty years."

"Why did the fishermen destroy his polluted car?"
His Mercury was filled with tuna.

It takes 1000 nuts and bolts to put a car together, but just one nut to scatter it all over the road.

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: You were going 70 miles per hour.
SPEEDER: I was only following the signs.
PATROLMAN: That's the number of the highway.
SPEEDER: It is? I'm glad you didn't stop me on I-95.

SPEEDER: I didn't hear your siren.
OFFICER: Of course not. You already passed the sound barrier.

TRAFFIC COP: This is a ticket for speeding.
DRIVER: Oh, thank you. When do I get to use it?

4/25/18   
What do you give an elk with indigestion?
Elk-a-Seltzer

What did the farmer use to cure his sick hog?
Oinkment.

WOMAN: Doctor, Doctor, my husband thinks he's a refrigerator!
DOCTOR: If that's his only problem, don't worry about it.
WOMAN: But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me up all night!

WOMAN: Doctor, Doctor, my husband thinks he's an elevator!
DOCTOR: I'll look at him. Send him up.
WOMAN: I can't. He doesn't stop your floor.

PATIENT: I don't think the pills you gave me are doing me any good.
DOCTOR: Have you been taking them on an empty stomach?
PATIENT: I tried, but they keep rolling off.

4/23/18   
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Psalm.
Psalm who?
"Psalm day my prince will come."

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Fido.
Fido who?
Fido I have to wait out here?

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Venus.
Venus who?
Venus you going to open the door?

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Fire engine.
Fire engine who?
Fire engine one and prepare for blast off.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Flea.
Flea who?
Flea blind mice.

4/19/18 
Why did the chicken see the doctor?
It had people pox.

Why did the banana see the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.

Why did the dog see the doctor?
Because a stitch in time saves canine.

Why did the math book see the doctor?
It had problems.

Why did the outlaw see the doctor?
He was a sick shooter.

PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, every bone in my body hurts!
DOCTOR: Be grateful you're not a sardine!

What animal do you feel like when you have a fever?
A little otter.

What would happen if you swallowed a dress?
You would have a frock in your throat.

PATIENT: The enemy sent a top-secret message, but I was able to read it.
DOCTOR: Top-secret? How did you decipher it?
PATIENT: Easy. I had a code in the head.

4/18/18   
When you are trying to tell a story around the campfire, why don't you want goats to be there?
Because they're always butting in.

What do you call a very large moose?
Enor-moose.

What is the hardest thing about learning to ride wild horses?
The ground.

Why are wild horses rich?
They have a million bucks.

What do you call a nervous cow?
Beef jerky.

Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
The cow has the utter one.

What would you get if you crossed a cow and an octopus?
A farm animal that milks itself.

"Are you milking that cow in your new hat?"
"No, I'm using a pail."

Why did the cowboy ride his horse to town?
Because it was too heavy to carry.

4/16/18
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Vine.
Vine who?
Vine and dandy.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Viola.
Viola who?
Viola fuss, I’m only five minutes late?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Violet.
Violet who?
Violet myself make these jokes, I don’t understand.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Violin.
Violin who?
Violin your neighborhood I thought I’d say hello.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Viper.
Viper who?
Viper hands, they’re still wet.

4/12/18
Why couldn't the police catch the bathroom burglar?
He stepped on the scales and got a weigh.

What's the perfect cure for dandruff?
Baldness.

Why do dogs giggle?
Because they're tick-lish.

Where should parents-to-be invest their money?
In the stork market.

What is a geologists favorite lullaby?
"Rock-a-bye, Baby."

Where do geologists go to relax?
Rock concerts.

How do you make notes out of stone?
Rearrange the letters.

Who is brown and hairy and fights forest fires?
A suntanned forest ranger who needs a shave.

How do hikers cross a patch of poison ivy?
They itch hike.

How do hikers dress on cold mornings?
Quickly.

Two campers were playing checkers. They played five games and each won the same number of games. How is that possible?
They played different people.

4/11/18
MAN: Have you got something to cure fleas on a dog?
PET SHOP OWNER: I don't know. What's wrong with the fleas?

BARRY: Does your dog have a license?
LARRY: No, I don't let him drive.

"Did you tell me your dog's bark is worse than his bite?"
"Yes, why?"
"Then don't let him bark – he just bit me."

Why do fire trucks have dogs on them?
To find the fire hydrant.

What dog bakes cakes?
Betty Cocker.

What did the skeleton say to the doctor?
"I hope this doesn't cost me an arm and a leg!"

What did the body say to the skeleton?
"I've got you under my skin."

What did the heart say to the liver?
"Let's beat it out of here!"

What did the throat say to the birdwatcher?
"I think I just saw a swallow!"

What did the eye say to the mouth?
"One more word from you and you'll get fifty lashes!"

4/9/18
Tongue Twisters
Does someone know a synonym for cinnamon?
Someone once said that cinnamon has no synonym.
But surely there must be a synonym for cinnamon.

If silly Sally will shilly-shally,
shall silly Willy willy-nilly
shilly-shally, too?

There is a pie in my eye.
Will I cry? Will I die?
Though I'm shy, I won't lie.
It might cause a sty, but I deny that I'll die or cry from the pie in my eye.

3X Fast
It is too chilly, the silly child should soon shut the shutters.

Shouldn't sweet-scented shaving soap soothe sore skin?

Stephen Stanley sees seven stars.

Inconsiderate intruders introduce other inconsiderate intruders.

I'll lie idle on the isle.

Joe's giraffe juggled jelly jars.

Jack's giraffe juggled jam jars.

4/5/18
Knock - Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Ron D.
Ron D. Who?
Ron D. vu.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Rona.
Rona who?
Rona boat is hard work.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Lewis.
Lewis who?
Lewis lips sink ships.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
License.
License who?
I haven't told a license I was ten.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Leon.
Leon who?
Leon me when you're feeling faint.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Les.
Les who?
Les get out of here.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Lettie.
Lettie who?
Lettie cat out of the bag.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce begin.

4/4/18
There once was some learned MDs
Who found a new kind of disease.
They bottled and hawked it,
And then they uncorked it
So thousands could catch it with ease.

Why aren't vampires welcome at the bloodmobile?
Because they only want to make withdrawals.

What gets 25 miles to a gallon of plasma?
A bloodmobile.

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a doctor?
More blood tests than ever.


4/2/18 
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dresden.
Dresden who?
Dresden your Sunday best.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen she look nice.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Duet.
Duet who?
Duet again.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Duluth.
Duluth who?
Duluth tooth will get you a quarter.

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  MARCH
3/29/18
What do frogs do when they play basketball?
They take jump shots.

What is the difference between a basketball player and a tired dog?
The ballplayer wears a uniform, the dog only pants.

What kind of uniform do women basketball players wear?
Hoop skirts.

What do mice where to play basketball?
Squeakers.

What is a psychic's favorite sport?
Crystal ball.



3/28/18
Health Best-Sellers
The Causes of Itching
By Miss Kito Byte

Do You Need Surgery?
By noah I. L. Waite

The Secrets of Long Life
By Sir Vival

You Can Be Healthy
By Colin D. Head

Healthy Living
By Vida Mynn

Successful Dieting
By Yukon Dewitt & Troy Hodder

3/26/18 
Tongue Twisters

Ron won’t run while Wayne runs.
Why won’t Ron run while Wayne runs?
Wayne ruined Ron’s new Reboks.
“Wayne’s to blame,” claims Ron.

Reverend Welch recommended wide record racks.

Rudolf resented Ryan’s relentless rudeness.

Ray’s wife raised rice.

The rice Ray’s wife raised was wild rice.

3x fast
Red wren’s wings.

Real rear wheels.

3/22/18
What do you get if a bunch of thieves dives into the swing of pool?
A crime wave.

Why aren't elephants allowed in the swimming pool?
Because they can't keep their trunks up.

What is big and hairy and travels 1,200 miles an hour?
King Kongcorde.

What were the chickens doing in the health club?
Eggs-ercising.

Why can't you play games with pigs?
Because they hog the ball.

When do pigs give their girlfriends presents?
TheOn Valen-swine’s Day.

3/21/18    
WACKY SHOPPING BOOKS
Collecting Modern Paintings
By Art X. Ibit

Shopping on the Second Floor
By Ellie Vader

Department Store Courtesy
By May I. Helpyoo

The History of Footwear
By Buck L. Myshoo

Shoplifting: A Serious Problem
By Reed M. S. Wrights

3/19/18    
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Succumb.
Succumb who?
Succumb up to see me some time.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Sue.
Sue who?
Don’t ask me, I’m not a lawyer.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Suede.
Suede who?
“Suede down south in Dixie.”

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Summer.
Summer who?
Summer chosen, summer not.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Summer.
Summer who?
Summer my best friends go to that school.

3/15/18   
"I married a girl who is a twin."
"How can you tell them apart?"
"Her brother has a beard."

DAD: There's something wrong with my toothbrush.
SON: That's funny. It was all right when I used it to oil my bike chain.

DAD: Sonny, why did you let the air out of the tires on your bike?
SONNNY: So I could reach the pedals.

MOTHER: Drink your milk, dear, that makes strong teeth.
COOKIE: Why don't you give some to Grandpa?

TAXI DRIVER: I can't stop this car! I've lost control!
PASSENGER: For heaven sake, turn off the meter!

3/14/18   
A time for insults:
"I throw myself into everything I do."
"Why don't you go out and find a deep hole?"

When I look at it, I wonder what Mother Nature had in mind.

"If I had a face like yours, I put it on a wall and throw a brick at it."
"If I had a face like yours, I did put it on a brick and throw a wall at it."

You're so stupid, you think you have stand on your head to turn things over in your mind.

Why don't you make like a ball and roll a way?

Why don't you take a deep breath – and blow?

I can't figure out what makes you tick, but I think it's a time bomb.

"I always aim to tell the truth."
"Bad shot, are you?

You could go out of your mind and no one would know the difference.

"You must be a terrific bowler."
"How did you know?"
"I could tell by your pinhead."

3/12/18         
Tongue Twisters
The perky parrot playfully pecked the pirate’s pate.

A panda playing with paper placed her paw on a piece of parchment and promptly produced a paw print.

Peter Potter splattered a plate of peas on Patty Platt’s pink plaid pants.

Phyllis Bickle spilled Bill Spector’s sack of speckled pickles.

Patty probably purchased plenty pretty party paper.

How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?

Penny penned a pretty poem.

3/8/18      
Why is a cat on the beach like Christmas?
It has sandy claws. (Santa Claus).

What is heavier in the summer than in the winter?
Traffic to the beach.

What did Cinderella wear when she went to the beach?
Glass flippers.

Where do race cars go swimming?
In the car pool.

Where do phantoms go swimming?
 At the sea ghost.

Where do mummies go swimming?
In the Dead Sea.

What game do you play with fish?
Carps and robbers.

3/7/18  
How do kangaroos add up their purchases?
With pocket calculators.

What do you call a kangaroo clerk with bad manners?
Kangarude.

Where would you buy thirty-six inches?
At a yard sale.

What does a house buy at the mall?
Address.

Where should you pay your car repair bill?
At a crash register.

What do pigs buy for relaxing in the backyard?
Ham-mocks.

What’s an easy way to double your money?
Look at it in a mirror.

3/5/18  
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Diesel.
Diesel who.
Diesel be over before you know it.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
“Doris nothing like a dame.”

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dots.
Dots who?
Dots for me to know and you to find out.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doug.
Doug who?
Doug a hole on your doorstep.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
“Doughnut make my brown eyes blue.”

3/1/18
BOY: Mom, Uncle Charlie took me to the zoo this afternoon.
MOTHER: That's nice. Did you have a good time?
BOY: Yes, and one of the animals came in first and paid twenty dollars.

"My brother is in the hospital with spotted fever."
"Is it serious?"
"No, fortunately they spotted it in time."

"Mom, you know that vase that's been handed down from generation to generation?"
"Yes?"
"Well, this generation dropped it."

Why is it hard to be a turtle?
You can't run away from home.

What do you say to a boomerang on its birthday?
"Many happy returns."



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