Funny (And / Or) Stupid - AUGUST
What does a mechanical frog say?
What's green and jumps three feet every five seconds?
A frog with hiccups.
How do you make an elephant laugh?
Tickle its ivories.
How can you tell an elephant from spaghetti?
The elephant doesn't slip off the end of your fork.
What kind of geese are found in Portugal?
Vera hat. It's cold outside.
Creature friends with more respect.
Cumin get it!
Custer pretty penny.
Voodoo you think you are?
What hired killer never goes to jail?
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?
Because the poor didn't have any money.
What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
A jeweler sells watches; a jailer watches cells.
How are prisoners like astronauts?
Both are interested in outer space.
How many prisoners can you put into an empty cell?
One. After that the cell isn't empty anymore.
What animal is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
What do you call a tiger in the snow?
A cool cat.
What's a giraffe's favorite fruit?
What do skunks become after they take a bath?
What's the first thing a dolphin learns at school?
Her A-B- Seas.
Funny (And / Or) Stupid - JULY
A lump of red leather
A red leather lump.
Little Ida lied a little.
Little Ida lied a lot.
Larry’s lair lacks locks.
Lonely lowland llamas are ladylike.
Lily Little lit a little lamp.
Why didn’t the scientist need a pocket calculator?
Because he already knew how many pockets he had.
What did the scientist get when he made an exact duplicate of Texas?
A clone star state.
What did the scientist get when he crossed a chicken and a cow?
What is the difference between electricity and lightning?
You have to pay for electricity.
If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?
What do you call a dad who sings and dances?
How is a movie like a broken leg?
They both need a cast.
Why couldn’t the piano go home after the concert?
It lost its keys.
What did the mother piano say to the baby grand?
“I don’t like your tone, young man.”
What do pianists use to eat their steaks?
Why do baseball players make good pianists?
They have perfect pitch.
Why was the pianist smacking her head on the keys?
She was playing by ear.
“Cedar pyramids alone the Nile.”
Celeste time I’m going to lend you money.
Celia envelope before you mail it.
“Cello acquaintance be forgot.”
Censure so smart, why aren’t you rich?
What word is frowned at by baseball players, but smiled at by bowlers?
What player on a baseball team pours the lemonade?
What traffic violation is common in baseball?
Hit and run.
What size T-shirt do you buy for a 200 pound egg?
What does Tinker Bell use to fry eggs?
A Peter Pan.
What do you call an omelet your mother makes for you?
Say these 3 x quickly
The glum ghoul grows glummer.
The haunted cheap chip shop sells cheap chips to haunted ships.
Frankenstein favors five free fruit floats.
Flo fled Bigfoot Friday.
“Six small slick seals,” said the skeleton.
The witch bewitched the thin twin tinsmith.
Which witch bewitched which watch?
Jules the jeweler generally chooses Jewel’s jewelry.
James the jailer changed the jail’s chairs and chained the chairs to the jail.
James jostled Jean while Jean jostled Joan.
Nutty Knott was not in.
Nutty Knott was out.
Knotting knotts in netting.
Nutty Knott was out,
But lots of knots
Were in Nuty Knott’s knotty netting.
What would you get if you crossed a breakfast drink and a monkey?
What would you get if you crossed a stone and a shark?
What would you get if you crossed a Martian, a skunk, and an owl?
An animal that stinks to high heaven and doesn’t give a hoot.
What is the most educated thing in the scientist’s laboratory?
A thermometer, because it has so many degrees.
When is it best to buy a thermometer?
In the winter, when it is lower.
What instruments to doctors play in a band?
What do surgeons play in a band”
What do turkeys play in a band?
What do shoemakers play in a band?
What do skeletons play in a band?
Carlotta trouble when it breaks down.
“Carmen in on a wing and a prayer.”
“Carrie me back to old Virginny.”
Canape you by check?
Candidate be changed to Friday?
Candice be the last joke?
What has 18 legs, catches flies, and has red spots?
A baseball team with measles.
What position does a pig play in baseball?
What would you get if you crossed a lobster with a baseball player?
A pinch hitter.
Where do birds play baseball?
In the mynah leagues.
From what do catchers eat their dinner?
How can you keep cool at a ballpark?
Sit by a fan.
Who do mermaids date?
They go out with the tide.
Why is a leaking faucet like a horse race?
It's off and running.
Where do nuts gather?
At the Hershey bar.
What kind of bars can't keep prisoners in jail?
Did you hear the joke about the chocolate cake?
Never mind, it’s too rich.
What would you get if you stacked thousands of pizza pies on top of each other?
A leaning tower of pizza.
What's a pizza’s favorite means of transportation?
Where do cows go for entertainment?
Harry Hunt hunts heavy hairy hares.
Does Harry Hunt hunt heavy hairy hares?
If Harry Hunt hunts heavy hairy hares,
Where are the heavy hairy hares Harry Hunt hunts?
If a Hottentot taught
A Hottentot tot,
To talk ere the tot could totter,
Ought the Hottentot tot
Be taught to say “ought,”
Or what ought to be taught her?
If to hoot and to toot
A Hottentot tot
Was taught by a Hottentot tutor,
Should the tutor get hot
If the Hottentot tot
Hoots and toots at the Hottentot tutor?
Heed the head henpecker!
“Hello, Harry Healy!” hollered Holly Harltey.