Funny / Stupid Tab

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  JUNE 



6/26/17  
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Sasha.
Sasha who?
Sasha fuss, just because I knock on your door.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris closed so I knocked.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Saul.
Saul who?
Saul over town that you won't open the door.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Chicken.
Chicken who?
Chicken up on you.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan watching you.


6/22/17     
"You need glasses," said the eye doctor.
"But I'm already wearing glasses," said the patient.
"In that case," said the doctor, "I need glasses."

Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself?

EYE DOCTOR: There now, with these glasses you'll be able to read everything.
WILLIE: Hurray! You mean I don't have to go to school anymore?

How do you catch an electric eel?
With a lightning rod.

Why did the ding-dong wring his hands?
Because his bell was out of order.

What are Van Winkle trousers?
Pants with a rip.


6/21/17    
What is the difference between a prince and a tennis ball?
One is heir to the throne, the other is thrown to the air.

Why weren't tennis players allowed in summer camp?
Because they made too much of a racket (racquet).

What would you get if your doctor became a vampire?
More blood tests than ever.

What kind of music do you hear when the nurse turns down your bed?
Sheet music.

What sign do you see in front of a dog hospital?
"No Barking Zone."

How can you tell when the ocean wants to meet you?
The tidal (tide ‘ll) wave.


6/19/17 
Tongue Twisters
Pass the big black blank bank book.
If you won't pass the big black blank bank book back, then pass the small brown blank bank book back.

3X  fast
The knight’s wife knit the knight new knickers.

Sneak-thieves seized the skis.

Freddie's frying five fresh flying fish.


6/15/17           
What you call three oaks who sing together?
A tree-o.

Which orchestra leader has webbed feet?
The conductor.

What runs around all day and lies under the bed with its tongue hanging out?
A sneaker.

How long should a slipper be?
One foot.

What do hamburgers give each other when they marry?
Onion rings.

WOMAN: Do you have any grandchildren?
ELDERLY WOMAN: No, all my children are ordinary.


6/14/17   
Why couldn't the boxer start a fire?
Because he lost all his matches.

"I asked my mother for a new pair of sneakers for gym."
"What did she say?"
"She said to tell Jim to buy his own sneakers."

"My brother is so dumb."
"How dumb is he?"
"He got a pair of water skis for his birthday. Now he's looking for a lake with a hill in it."

"You shouldn't swim on a full stomach."
"Okay, I'll swim on my back."

What furniture is designed for those who like swimming outdoors?
A bird bath.


6/12/17   
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Catkin.
Catkin who?
Catkin see in the dark.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Harness.
Harness who?
Harness to goodness.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Minnie.
Minnie who?
Minnie are called but few are chosen.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Sawyer.
Sawyer who?
Sawyer picture in the paper.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Whoa.
Whoa who?
“ Whoa, whoa, whoa your boat gently down the stream.”


6/8/17        
Limericks
Despite his impressive physique,
Atlas was really quite meek.
If a mouse showed its head,
He would jump into bed
With a terrible bloodcurdling shriek.

A charming old lady named Gretel,
Instead of a hat, wore a kettle.
When they called her misguided,
She said, "I've decided
To show all the neighbors my metal."

There was a young lady of Cork
Whose dad made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter
A tutor who taught her
To balance green peas on her fork.

A newspaper reader named Gage
Would fly into a terrible rage
When he would choose
To read some big news
And find it continued . . . next page!

A fellow named William John Lew
Got more hairy each year as he grew.
Unable one day
To shave it away,
He sighed, "This will just never do!"


6/7/17       
What’s the quickest way to make oil boil?
Add the letter "B."

What did the scientist get when he crossed a chicken and a cement truck?
A hen that lays sidewalks.

What can you find in the center of gravity?
The letter "V."

Why can't you trust the law of gravity?
Because it always lets you down.

What weighs more – a pound of lead or a pound of feathers?
They weigh the same – one pound.

What can you measure that has no length, width, or thickness?
The temperature.


6/5/17              
Tongue Twisters
A big bug hit a bold bald bear and the bold bald bear bled blood badly.

3x fast
Kinky kite kits.

Jim jogs in the gym.
Jane jogs in the jungle.

Some slow sloths sleep soundly.
Some slow slots snore strongly.

Michael's mouth munched muffins.


6/1/17      
What's a tornado's favorite game?
Twister.

What game do mice like to play?
Hide and squeak.

What's a baby sparrow’s favorite game?
Beak-a-boo.

What do you call wood that has nothing to play with?
Board.

What do waiters ask when playing tennis?
"May I serve?"

How do surfers greet each other?
With a tidal wave.


Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  MAY 

5/31/17     
What movie do pigs dream about?
Jurassic Pork.

Which rock star do bumblebees dream about?
Sting.

Which rock star does Sleeping Beauty dream about?
Prince.

What movie star do travel agents dream about?
Tom Cruise.

Which rock group do exterminators dream about?
The Beatles.

What late-night host do post office workers dream about?
David Letter-man.

What do waiters dream about?
Sirloin tips.


5/29/17    
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Juicy.
Juicy who?
Juicy any four-leaf clovers?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Juliet.
Juliet who?
Juliet five hamburgers.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
July.
July who?
July to me?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Juneau.
Juneau who?
Juneau any good knock-knock jokes?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Soda.
Soda who?
Soda you like knock-knock jokes?


5/25/17      
A plumber went to the house of a customer.
"I'm sorry I'm a few days late to fix the leak in your basement," the plumber said.
"Oh, the time wasn't totally wasted," replied the wet customer. "Since I called you, I taught my daughter to swim."

A man got a job painting the white line on the middle of the highway. After three days the foreman called him in for a talk.
            "The first day on the job you painted 5 miles of highway, the second day one mile, and today you only painted 100 feet. How come you're slowing down like that?"
            "Can't be helped," replied the man. "I keep getting further and further away from the can."

"I got a new job restoring antiques."
            "That's interesting. Where do you work?"
            "At the beauty clinic."

A man was taking a test to be a letter carrier. The first question was: "How far is it from the earth to the moon?"
            "Look," he said, "if that's going to be my route, forget it."


5/24/17     
Limericks
You will find by the banks of the Nile,
The haunts of the great crocodile.
He will welcome you in
With an innocent grin –
Which gives way to a satisfied smile.

A thoughtful old man of Lahore,
When a subject was getting a bore,
Would wisely arrange
Conversation to change
By falling in fits on the floor.

As a beauty I am not a star.
There are others more handsome by far,
But my face—I don’t mind it,
For I am behind it;
It’s the people in front that I jar.

There was an old man on whose nose
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the close of the day,
Which relieved the old man and his nose.

There was an old lady of France,
Who taught little ducklings to dance;
When she said, “Tick-a-tack!”
They only said, “Quack!”
Which grieved the old lady of France.

Oh, I’m glad I’m protected from knocks.
From my necktie clear down to my socks,
And padded and bolstered
Fenced-in and upholstered
With muscles to take up the shocks.


5/22/17   
Tongue Twisters
How much hair could a hairnet net,
If a hairnet could net hair?

Hillary’s hairy hound hardly hurries.

3x fast
Higgledy-Piggledy

Has Hal’s heel healed?

Hugh chooses huge shoes.

Hannah had her hair henna’d.


5/18/17       
When is the moon heaviest?
When it is full.

Who was the first man in space?
The man in the moon.

What does a geologist have for breakfast?
Rock-n-roll.

What color is the wind?
Blew.

What gets harder to catch the faster you run?
Your breath.


5/17/17          
What kind of music gets played at school?
Class-ical.

Who plays country music at the beach?
The fiddler crabs.

Where does a daffodil hear its favorite music?
On a bloom box.

What did the Pied Piper say when he lost his flute?
“Oh, rats!”

What part does a grizzly sing in the church choir?
Bearitone.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.


5/15/17      
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Yuri.
Yuri who?
“Yuri grand old flag. Yuri high-flying flag.”

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Yukon.
Yukon who?
Yukon have it. I don’t want it.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Yule.
Yule who?
Yule be sorry.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Yuma.
Yuma who?
Yuma best friend in the whole world.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Window.
Window who?
Window we eat?


5/11/17     
Why are so many baseball games played at night?
Because bats sleep during the daytime.

What do you call a jail that is specially designed for baseball sluggers?
The Grand Slammer.

BASEBALL COACH: Remember all those batting and fielding tips I gave you?
ROOKIE: I sure do.
COACH: Well, forget them. We traded you.

What's the best place to keep your baseball mitt?
In the glove compartment.

What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?
“Catch you later.”


5/10/17     
Two giants are standing on a bridge. One is the father of the others son. What relation are the two giants?
Husband and wife.

Why is a zombie a poor liar?
Because it’s a dead giveaway.

What room does a zombie stay out of?
The living room.

Are there any blonde zombies?
Well, they're not born blonde, but they dye that way.

Where do they send young werewolves who won't behave properly?
To obedience school.

How do werewolves study?
They paw over their books.

Which side of a werewolf has the most hair.
The outside.


5/8/17    
Tongue Twisters
A lively young fisher named Fischer
Fished for fish from the edge of a fissure.
            A fish with a grin
            Pulled the fisherman in.
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fischer.

Fortunately, Frank Frye’s father fixed the phones.

Fancy Nancy didn’t fancy doing fancy work.
But Fancy Nancy’s fancy auntie did fancy Nancy doing fancy work.
So Fancy Nancy did fancy work for Fancy Nancy’s fancy auntie.

3x fast
Four frightening flashes.

How many times can you say these in 10 seconds?

Fleas fly from fries.

Fran’s favorite flowers finally flourished.


5/4/17     
How did the scientist fix the robot gorilla?
With a monkey wrench.

What did the scientist get when he crossed an old car and a gorilla?
A greasy monkey.

What dog likes to hang around scientists?
A laboratory retriever.

What did the scientist get when he crossed a clock and a rooster?
An alarm cluck.

What did the scientist write on the robot's tombstone?
“RUST IN PEACE.”


5/3/17    
What superhero doesn't like to share things?
Bratman.

What's Superman's favorite street?
Lois Lane.

What should you do if Lois Lane steals?
Reporter.

Who taught Superman to tell time?
Clock Kent.

What flies through the air and is covered with syrup?
Peter Pancake.

What do you call a supernatural being with a tan colored rabbit?
Genie with the light brown hare.

How did King Kong escape from his cage?
He used a monkey wrench.

How did they train King Kong?
They hit him with a large rolled-up newspaper building.

What is a pig's favorite tale?
Slopping Beauty.


5/1/17    
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cadillac.
Cadillac who?
Cadillac mad if you step on its tail.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cairo.
Cairo who?
Cairo the boat?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Calcutta.
Calcutta who?
Calcutta cut a hole in the paper.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cameron.
Cameron who?
Cameron film are ready, say cheese.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Camphor.
Camphor who?
Camphor the life of me remember your name.


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