Funny / Stupid Tab

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  SEPTEMBER

What do you call an X that just got out of the bathtub?
A clean X.

What happened when Mickey Mouse fell into the bathtub?
He came out squeaky clean.

What would you say to a skunk that fell into your tub?
"Stink or swim!"

What happened to the skunk that fell into the bathtub?
It stank all the way to the bottom.

If a skunk sprayed you, would you wash it off in the tub?
Let's soap for the best.

Do truck drivers have tough jobs?
Yes, they have many bumps on the road.

Why did the truck driver’s wife divorced him?
He drove her up the wall.

When does a truck driver stop to eat?
When it comes to a fork in the road.

What was the tow truck doing at the race track?
Trying to pull a fast one.

How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
Use the rear defrogger.

"The way you dress will never go out of style."
"Why, thank you."
"It will look just as terrible ten years from now."

"I just came from the beauty parlor."
"What's the matter, weren't they open?"

"You shouldn't make fun of my looks. All human beings are made in the same mold."
"Yes, but some are moldier than others."

"I'd like to find a dress to match my eyes."
"Sorry, we don't carry bloodshot dresses."

"I didn't come here to be insulted."
"Oh? Where do you usually go?

What's the difference between a boxer and a person with a cold?
A boxer knows his blows; a person with a cold blows his nose.

What's the difference between a hill and a pill?
A hill is hard to get up; a pill is hard to get down.

What's the difference between a sick sailor and a blind man?
One can't go to see; the other can't see to go.

DOCTOR: Do you know you have 60,000 miles of blood vessels in your body?
PATIENT: No wonder I have tired blood.

What is covered with ribbons and bows and comes from outer space?
A gift-wrapped Martian.

Where do Martians go swimming?
In the galaxies (galax-seas).

What do little astronauts get when they do their homework?
Gold stars.

Why did scientist pinch the waitress?
He wanted to see some flying saucers.

What would you get if you crossed a galaxy and a toad?
Star Warts.

Knock - Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Honeybee who?
Honeybee nice and open the door.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew. Honeydew who?
Honeydew you love me?

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Hoosier who?
"Hoosier afraid of the big, bad wolf?"

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Hoosier who?
Hoosier favorite person in the whole world?

WAITER: I recommend this dish. It's been our specialty for years.
CUSTOMER: Well, bring me something you haven't had for so long.

What type of writing does a waiter use?

CUSTOMER: This stake you bought me is rare. I said "well done."
WAITRESS: Thank you sir, I don't get many compliments.

CUSTOMER: You call this beef noodle soup your special? I can't find any beef or noodles in it.
WAITER: That's what makes it so special.

What did the teddy bear say after dining out?
"I'm stuffed."

Where does a turtle go to eat out?
A slow-food restaurant.

What's the healthiest type of water?
Well water.

What means of transportation gives people colds?
Achoo-choo train.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor a way, what will an onion do?
Keep everyone away.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
It felt crummy.

What would you call a small wound?
A shortcut.

If you don't feel well, what do you probably have?
Gloves on your hands.

What did Captain Hook do when he lost his hand?
He went to the second-hand shop.

Tongue Twisters
Of all the smells I ever smelt,
I never smelt a smell that smelt
Like that smell I smelt smelled.
A selfish shellfish smelt a stale fish.
If that stale fish was a smelt,
Then the selfish shellfish smelt a smelt.

Should a shad selling shrimps for a shark,
Cease to shuck the shamed shrimps,
who remark,
"Serve us not without dressing!
"Tis really distressing."
Or should he just shuck the shrimps in the dark?

3x Fast
No shark shares swordfish steak.

Steffie strained stew through the soup strainer.
Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  AUGUST
A Time For Insults
"Would you like to travel to unknown places?"
"Yes, I would."
"Fine, go get lost."

"People say you're so conceded, you write letters to yourself."
"Dear me!"
"Yes – that's how they begin."

The next time you get a toupee, get one with brains.

"What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"
"Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time."

"Have you told your little boy not to go around imitating me?"
"Yes, I have. I told him not to act like an idiot."

You're all wrapped up in yourself – and you make a pretty small package.

You think you're a big tease – but you only smell like one.

"You should put a sign on your head."
"What kind of sign?"

"She's so stuck up. She thinks she's so much better than me."
"Why, that conceded, good-for-nothing moron! You're certainly every bit as good as she is!"

Tongue Twisters
The prince pinched the princess, so the princess pinched the prince.

Matt batted, Patty putted and Pepe punted.
Then Patty batted, Pepe putted, and Matt punted.
Then Pepe batted, Matt putted, and Patty punted.

When platters shatter, scatter.
They splatter matter.

3x fast
Pale pink plumage.

Pretty poor peace prospects.

Tongue Twisters
A skunk sat on a stump.
The skunk thunk the stump stunk.
But the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

Shawn shaves a short cedar shingle thin.
Should Shawn shave a short, thin,
single cedar shingle thin,
or shave a short, thin,
single, cedar shingle thinner?

I had an old saw,
And I bought a new saw.
I took the handle off the old saw
And put it on the new saw.
And all of the saws
I ever saw,
I never saw a saw saw
Like that new saw sawed.

3 X fast
Sad skunk.

What do astronauts do when they get dirty?
They take a meteor shower.

How do Martians drink their tea?
From flying saucers.

What do you call a person who is crazy about going into space?
An astro-nut.

What do Martians do in space when they get thirsty?
They drink from the Big Dipper.

How do you arrange for a trip to Mars?
You planet (plan it).

How'd you get to the Planet of the Apes?
By banana boat.

What do astronauts do when they get angry?
They blast off.

Why do astronauts wear bulletproof vests?
To protect themselves against shooting stars.

Knock –Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Odessa who?
Odessa awful thing to say.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Odor who?
"Odor sun shines bright on pretty redwing."

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Odyssey who?
Odyssey the movie I saw last night.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Ohio who?
Ohio miss you tonight.

How do grizzlies try on shoes?

What shoes should you buy when your basement is flooded?

What did the shoe say to the foot?
"You're putting me on!"

Where do sailors returned damaged masts?
To the sails clerk.

What kind of pens to skunks buy?
Ones with indelible stink.

What kind of sneakers do birds buy?
Ones with vel-crow.

What's gray on the inside and brown on the outside?
A chocolate covered dinosaur.

What dinosaur coughs the most?
The bronchitis.

Who saw stegosaurus enter the restaurant?
The diners saw.

Why is a dinosaur healthier than a dragon?
Because a dinosaur doesn't smoke.

What's a tired kangaroo?
Out of bounds.

What would you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

Name ten African animals in three seconds?
Nine elephants and a giraffe.

Why do elephants get jobs at the ballpark?
Because they work for peanuts.

PATIENT: Can a person be in love with an elephant?
PATIENT: Do you know anyone who wants to buy a very large engagement ring?

How much does a psychiatrist charge an elephant?
A hundred dollars for the visit and a thousand dollars for the couch.

Why do elephants lie down?
Because they can't lie up.

Tongue Twisters
Are there auks in the Arctic, or aren't there auks in the Arctic?
And if there are auks in the Arctic, are they auctioning arks?

Abe and Babe will grab a grub from Greg.
Will Abe and Babe grab a grub from Greg?
If Abe and Babe will grab a grub from Greg, where's the grub from Greg Abe and Babe will grab?

3X fast
Al's ally is in the alley.

All Al's sly allies lie.

Aunt Edith's aunt eater ate Aunt Edith's ants.

Never ever offer awful Arthur alfalfa.

Why were the clothespins arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants.

Why were the tennis players arrested?
Because they had racquets.

Why were the pair of old watches arrested?
Because they were two-timers.

Why were the walls arrested?
Because they're holding up the ceiling.

Why was the stale loaf of bread arrested?
It tried to get fresh.

Why was the deck of cards arrested?
The joker was wild.

Why is it dangerous to play cards in the jungle?
Because of all the cheetahs.

Who’s there?
Frieda who?
Frieda cold and starve a fever.

Who’s there?
Gorilla who?
Gorilla my dreams!

Who’s there?
Grover who?
Grover to the fridge and get me a soda.

Who’s there?
Kansas who?
Kansas better than bottles for soda.

Who’s there?
Gruel who?
“Gruel days, gruel days, dear old golden gruel days.?

Who’s there?
Gull who?
“Gull of my dreams.”

Patient: Doc, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Don’t go back to those places.

Patient: Doctor, I keep seeing double!
Doctor: Please, have a seat on the couch.
Patient: Which one?

The traffic was backed up even more than usual and people were getting out of their cars to find out what was up. Dave strolled up to the motorist ahead of him and asked what was going on.
“Apparently, some nut hijacked a bus load of lawyers and is holding them for ransom. He says he wants $10,000 or he’ll douse the bus with gasoline and set it on fire. These guys with the buckets are taking up a collection.”
“Oh really?” Dave said with concern. “How much is everyone giving?”
The motorist replied, “About a gallon.”

A fellow goes into a bakery known for fashioning custom-made cakes. He says, “I’d like to have a cake made in the shape of the letter S.”
The baker says he can do it but at a premium. The fellow tells the baker not to worry price is no object. The baker advises the fellow that he’ll need about four hours.
The customer returns at the appointed time and the baker unveils the S shaped cake, one in a beautiful block letter. The customer is upset, though. He says, "I want it to look fancier. Can't you make it in cursive script?"
The baker says, "Absolutely. Give me another three hours."
The fellow returned a few hours later and the baker shows him a beautifully designed cake in the shape of a scripted S, outlined in red and green frosting. The fellow is still upset. "It looks too much like Christmas. Can you make that frosting yellow?"
The baker says, "Sure. Come back in half an hour."
The fellow comes back once again, the baker shows him the cake, and it finally meets with his approval. As the baker starts to put it in the box, the fellow says, "don't do that. I'm gonna eat it here."

A Rodney Dangerfield quote: "I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot."

Mark Twain once said, "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."

The boss is in the middle of interviewing a managerial candidate and decides it's time for a character check. He says to the guy, "Let's assume that you go into my house and my wife invites you in, but tells you that I won't be home for another few hours. What do you do?"
     The job applicant thinks for a moment and says, "Would you mind showing me a picture of her?"

A Milton Berle quote: “We owe a lot to Thomas Edison- if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.”

What kind of arguments to dogs like at dinner?
Table scraps.

What two dogs are opposites?
Hot dogs and chili dogs.

What does a dog do that a person steps in?

If every dog has his day, what does a dog with a broken tail have?
A weekend.

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  JULY
What's the difference between a cow with a sore throat and an angry crowd?
One moos badly, the other boos madly.

What's the difference between ammonia and pneumonia?
Ammonia comes in bottles; pneumonia comes in chests.

What's the difference between a photocopying machine and a virus?
One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.

What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops; the other stops the nose.

What's the difference between a dress maker and a nurse?
One cuts the dresses; the other dresses the cuts.

I need not your needles, they're needless to me, for the needing of needles is needless, you see.
But did my neat trousers but need to be kneed, I then should have need of your needles indeed.

Nicholas noticed a nick on Nicolette's necklace.
How many times can you say this and 10 seconds?
No one knows Wayne.

How do you make an elephant sandwich?
First, get a very large loaf of bread…

Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you're a chicken.

How do you know that chickens love money?
They're always going, "Buck-buck! Buck-buck!"

What to dogs put on their pizza?

What has bread on both sides and frightens easily?
A chicken sandwich.

What do ants put on their pizza?

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Don who?
"Don cry for me, Argentina."

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Donahue who?
Donahue you let me.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Donkey who?

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Donna who?
"Donna let the stars get in your eyes."

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
The doorbell repair man.

What's the best snack to eat in a swamp?

What do zookeepers eat for snacks?
Animal crackers.

What do photographers eat for snacks?
"Cheese!" sticks.

What do fathers eat for snacks?
What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hey, bud, what time do you open?"

What did the flower say to the bee?
"Buzz off."

When does a B come after U?
When you disturb the hive.

Why don't bees have leisure time?
They're always buzzy.

Why did the bee join a rock band?
To be the lead stinger.

What do bees say on warm days?
"Swarm, isn't it?"

What do you call a store owned by a bee?
A buzziness.

How do bees brush their hair?
With honeycombs.

"How was that new restaurant you ate in?"
"Terrible! It's so bad they can't give out doggie bags because it would be cruelty to animals."

DINER #1: I've heard that scientists say we are what we eat.
DINER #2: Oh, let's order something rich!

"Why did you give that hat check girl a five dollar tip?"
"Look at the great looking hat she gave me!"

"Why are you so upset?"
"I saw a sign in the restaurant that said ‘Watch your coat and hat,’ so I did and someone stole my dinner."

CUSTOMER: Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
WAITER: That's no surprise, we have branches everywhere.

A Time for Insults
If they're not talking about you, you're not listening.

You have an even disposition – always rotten.

"Only fools make absolute statements."
"Are you sure of that?"

"Before I do anything, I stopped to think."
"The trouble is, you always forget to start again."

"Am I boring you?"
"No, just wake me when you're finished."

My house is located near a lake. Drop in some time.

Why is travel by boat the cheapest way of getting around?
Because boats run on water.

When does a boat show affection?
When it hugs the shore.

What vegetable is dangerous to have in a boat?
A leek. (leak)

What would you get if you crossed a lake in a boat that had a leak in it?
About halfway.

What happens when you hike across a stream and a river?
Your feet get wet.

How do lobsters get to the airport?
By taxi crab.

What insect can tell time?
A clockroach.

Why don't ants smell?
They wear deodor-ant.

What goes buzz, buzz, buzz, plop?
A bee laughing its head off.

What do honeybees use to check out flowers?

Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Adele who?
Adele is where the farmer lives.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Adios who?
Adios me some money.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Agatha who?
Agatha blues when it rains.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Fletcher who?
Fletcher smile be your umbrella.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home so I came over.

What do Canary’s say on Halloween?
"Twick or tweet."

What loses its head every morning but gets it back at night?
A pillow.

Why are rabbits underpaid?
Because they'll always work for a little celery.

What do you call a riot in the post office?
A stampede.

What comes out at night and goes "Flap! Flap! Chomp! Ouch!"?
A vampire with a sore tooth.

If a plumber works hard all day, what kind of dreams does he have at night?
Pipe dreams.

How can you dive without getting wet?
Go sky diving.

How do little kids get to use the swimming pool?
They wade on line.

What do lawyers like to wear when they go swimming?
Bathing suits.

What do lawyers were when they go running?

Why wouldn't Batman go fishing?
Because Robin ate all the worms.

What is a worms favorite opera?
Rigoletto (wriggle-etto)

Tongue Twisters
Oliver Oglethorpe ogled an owl and oyster.
Did Oliver Oglethorpe ogle an owl and oyster?
If Oliver Oglethorpe ogled an owl and oyster, where's the owl and oyster Oliver Oglethorpe ogled?

The owner of the Inside Inn
Was outside his Inside Inn
With his inside outside his Inside Inn

3X fast
Old oily corks.

"Under the mother otter," uttered the other otter.

Awful old Ollie oils oily autos.

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