Funny (And/Or) Stupid - NOVEMBER
11/18/24
Tongue Twisters
Turtles waddle. Waiters toddle.
Trill two true tunes to the troops.
Theo’s throat throbs and thumps, thumps and throbs.
Thelma sings the theme song.
3x fast
Tacky tractor trailer trucks.
Twelve trim twin-track tapes.
11/14/24
The spot where buoy meets gull.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
“I’m not shore.”
Who does the ocean date?
It goes out with the tide.
How do you cut the ocean in two?
With a sea-saw.
Why is the ocean so grouchy?
Because it has crabs all over its bottom.
11/13/19
What's the best way to get a demon out of your bedroom?
Exorcise a lot.
Why do monsters use mouthwash?
They like to gargoyle.
What do ghosts put on first thing in the morning?
Their boojeans.
What did the ghost say when it floated through the bedroom wall?
“Pardon me, I'm just passing through."
Who gave King Tut his bath?
His mummy.
Why do vampires gargle?
So they won’t have bat breath.
11/11/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Heaven.
Heaven who?
Heaven a wonderful time, wish you were here.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Heidi.
Heidi who?
Heidi ho.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hence.
Hence who?
Hence lay eggs.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Henny.
Henny who?
Henny port in a storm.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard I know?
11/7/24
“Be careful with that cold. Sneeze the other way.”
“I don’t know any other way.”
What's the best way to break a bad habit?
Drop it.
"I finally got my little brother to stop biting his nails."
"How?"
"I made him wear shoes."
Why do smokers whisper?
Because smoking is not aloud.
What should smokers due to quit?
Butt out.
11/6/24
How are potatoes like loyal friends?
They’re always there when the chips are down.
A scientist invented a liquid that would dissolve anything it touched. However, he couldn’t sell the invention. Why?
There was nothing he could put the liquid in.
A scientist invented the most powerful glue in the world. However, he couldn’t use it. Why?
He couldn’t get the lid off the container.
Why are poets so poor?
Because rhyme doesn’t pay.
When is a person not a person?
When he’s a little cross.
11/4/24
Tongue Twisters
Six sick shorn sheep.
The sixth sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Shorn sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack.
Shorn sheep should sleep in a shed.
The shady shoe shop shows sharp sharkskin shoes.
Sid’s shabby silver shoes still shine.
3x fast
Sharp sharkskin shoes.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - OCTOBER
10/31/24
Why did the angry man put a firecracker under his pancakes?
He wanted to blow his stack.
What bird is useful in boxing matches?
Duck.
What piece of jewelry frightens off a vampire?
A ring around the collar.
Why is an evil witch like a candle?
They are both wick-ed.
What awful creature can be found in many lunchboxes?
Sandwitches.
Where do you buy an extinct animal?
In a dino-store.
10/30/24
Tounge Twisters
Sarah Sawyer sold several soldiers sodas.
Sarah slurped soda through straight, striped soda straws.
Several nervous servers spilled slops.
Several silly servers served Sally squash soup.
Steward soon stopped sniffing the stinky stuff Sandy stirred with the stick.
Does this shop stock shot silk shorts?
If she stops at the shop where I stop, and if she shops at the shop where I shop, then I shan’t stop at the shop where she stops to shop.
Snowy sashes in a shut sash shop.
3x fast
Such a shapeless sash!
10/28/24
What is worse than an elephant with an earache?
A giraffe with a sore throat.
Does a giraffe get a sore throat when its feet get wet?
Yes, but not until two weeks later.
What's the difference to you in a photocopier and a virus?
One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.
What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops; the other stops the nose.
What do they do with the cowboy whose voice is really hoarse?
They put a saddle on it.
Why did the doctor pour oil on his hands?
He wanted to be a smooth operator.
10/24/24
Why did the werewolf take a bite out of the tightrope walker?
It wanted to have a well-balanced diet.
What did the little zombie say to her father before she went to bed?
"Goodnight, Dead-y."
What do ghosts wash their hair with?
Shamboo.
Why do skeletons play the piano?
Because they don’t have organs.
How does a witch play loud music?
On her broom box.
10/23/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Iowa.
Iowa who?
Iowa lotta money.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Ira.
Ira who?
Ira sign.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Iran.
Iran who?
Iran all the way!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
“Ivan working on the railroad.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Jamaica.
Jamaica who?
Jamaica me very happy.
10/21/24
Why did the three hammers go to dinner?
They were serving pound cake.
Why did the cranberry turn red?
It saw the turkey dressing.
Have you heard about the cannibal who loves fast food?
He ordered pizza with everyone on it.
When does a chef know he's in trouble?
When his goose is cooked.
Why was the gossipy chef fired?
Because he dished out the dirt.
Why was the clumsy cook fired?
She spilled the beams.
What transportation do chefs prefer?
The gravy train.
"I've got my boyfriend to the point where he eats out of my hand."
"Saves a lot of dishwashing, doesn't it?"
"I've been cooking for years."
"Then I guess dinner must be ready now."
10/17/24
Whose figure can't be seen?
A figure of speech.
What does it mean when the barometer is falling?
It means that whoever nails it up didn't do such a good job.
What's the best way to keep your food bills down?
Use a heavier paperweight.
Who grows cucumbers for a pickle factory?
The farmer in the dill.
What would you call it if the cow that jumped over the moon fought Taurus the bull?
Steer wars.
10/16/24
Tounge Twisters
Shirley showed Cher some chairs she sewed.
Sid’s sister assisted Sissy.
Sharon sewed six shiny suits.
Suzie’s sister saw some scissors Suzie set on her sofa.
Mr. Spink thinks the sphinx stinks.
Scott’s skate slipped as Scott skated.
“I think I’ll skip these slippery skates,” Scott said.
How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
Sissy saw some simple thimbles.
10/14/24
Why did the hen sit down in the middle of the tennis court?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
What would you get if you crossed a chicken and an old timepiece?
A grandfather cluck.
How do chickens get out of their shell?
They eggs-it.
How can you make an egg run faster?
You egg it on.
What doctor treats his patients like animals?
A vet.
When is a vet busiest?
When it rains cats and dogs.
When it rains cats and dogs, what does a vet step into?
Poodles.
10/10/24
How does a witch know what time to get up?
She looks at her witch watch.
What time would be if ten ghouls chased you in your sleep?
Ten after one.
What's a 500-pound vampire hovering over your bed?
A huge pain in the neck.
Why couldn't the Swamp Thing get out of the tub?
It got bogged down.
Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look into the bathroom mirror it cracks up.
What should you say when you meet a ghost in your bedroom?
"How do you boo?”
Do mummies like being mummies?
Of corpse!
Where does a werewolf like to hide?
In your claws-it.
10/9/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Humus.
Humus who?
“Humus have been a beautiful baby.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Huron.
Huron who?
Huron the hot seat now.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dinosaur.
Dinosaur who?
Dinosaur because his mother spanked him.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hyena.
Hyena who?
Hyena tree sat an owl.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hyman.
Hyman who?
Hyman a terrible hurry.
10/7/24
Why did the pony think it could fly?
Because it saw the horsefly.
What do you call a bunch of planes that fly backwards?
A receding airline.
A flight attendant on an airplane was taking orders. She asked one woman, "Would you like a meal?"
"What are my choices?" asked the woman.
"Yes or no."
"What you do for a living?"
"I'm a pilot."
"Oh, you fly airplanes?"
"No, I work in an office with lots of paperwork. I pile it here and I pile it there."
Do pilots get cold?
No, flew.
What ailment do most pilots experience?
Soars.
What plane flies backwards?
An error plane.
GROUND RADAR: Enemy at two o'clock!
PILOT: What should I do till then?
10/3/24
What did the locksmith do when his shop caught on fire?
He made a bolt for the door.
Why did the knife sharpener quit his job?
He couldn't take the grind.
Why do bakers always want dough?
Because they knead it.
What makes a road broad?
The letter B.
What punctuation mark is used in writing dance music?
A polka dot.
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter D.
10/2/24
Tongue Twisters
Should she sell sheer sheets or should she sell shaggy shawls?
Amidst the mists and coldest frosts,
With barest wrists and stoutest boasts,
He thrusts his fists against the posts,
And still insists he sees the ghosts.
Some say Seymour saw more,
but Seymour won't say more.
"Saw what you saw, Seymour!"
some shouted.
Sally sells soil samples at the soil store.
Sometimes there are seashells in the soil samples Sally sells.
"Go, my son, and shut the shutter."
This I heard a mother mutter.
"Shutters shut," the boy did mutter,
"I can't shut’er any shutter.”
Should she shut summer shutters slowly
or should she shut summer shutters swiftly?
9/30/24
Tongue Twisters
A tree toad loved a she-toad that lived in a tree.
She was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was he.
The two-toed toad tried to win
The she-toad’s friendly nod,
For the two-toed toad loved the ground on which the three-toed toad trod.
But no matter how the two-toed tree toad tried,
He could not please her whim.
In her three-toed bower,
With her three-toed power,
The three-toed she-toad vetoed him.
Ted threw Fred thirty-three free throws.
Twixt six thick thumbs stick six thick sticks.
Tim and Tom tapped two tom-toms together.
Then Tim and Tom tapped the tom-toms.
Today, Tim’s mom tapped the tom-toms too.
But Tom’s Mom thought all that tom-tom tapping was terrible.
3x fast
Three thick things.
Three free through trains.
Truly rural.
9/26/24
What is the difference between the North Pole and the South Pole?
All the difference in the world.
What did one pile of sand say to the other pile of sand?
“Dune anything tonight?
Why did the riverbend?
Because it saw the waterfall.
Where do rivers sleep?
In river beds.
When does a river flood?
When it gets too big for its bridges.
What body of water is a famous spy?
James Pond.
What doesn't get wetter – no matter how much it rains?
The ocean.
9/25/24
What does a witch do before she opens her e-mail?
Types in her passwart.
Why are spiders so popular online?
Each one has a Web site.
What talent does your cat have if she can read your mind?
Extrasensory Purrception.
What kind of movies do frogs like?
Sci-fly.
Where should you take Dracula on his birthday?
To a stakehouse.
Why is it fun to play baseball with Dracula?
He has lots of bats.
9/23/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Terrain.
Terrain who?
“Terrain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Terrify Tish.
Terrify Tish who?
Well, maybe just a little one on the cheek.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Texas.
Texas who?
Texas a long time to get together.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta banana split.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hester.
Hester who?
Hester anything I can do for you?
9/19/24
Books that have not been written and their authors:
Getting Places on Time by Harriet Upp.
I was a Double Agent by S.P.N. Hodge.
How to Be a Basketball Player by Duncan Pass.
How to Get out of Debt by I.OA. Bundle.
Inside a Garbage Truck by Howie Voltan.
How to be a Weight Lifter by Buster Gutt.
Fast Food Franchises by Eaton Run.
What likes to spend the summer in a fur coat and the winter in a wool bathing suit?
A moth.
Why did the burglar take a bath before breaking out of jail?
To make a clean getaway.
Say these 3 x quickly:
Frankenstein feasted on flaming fish at the free fish fry.
Frankenstein flies through fog and frost to fight flu fast.
Frankenstein threw three free throws.
The flimsy phantom fled the food-filled flat.
Faint phantoms fear fat flat flounders.
9/16/24
Tongue Twisters
“Swim, Sam, swim.
Show them you’re a swimmer!
Six sharp sharks seek small snacks.
So swim, Sam, swim!
Swan swam over the sea.
“Swim, Swan, Swim!”
Swan swam back again;
“Well swum, Swan!”
Some say shy shippers ship shy sheep.
Six sly shavers sheared six shy sheep.
Shameless shepherds shampoo shy sheep.
9/12/24
Which is lighter – the sun or the earth?
The sun, because it rises every morning.
Why is the moon like a dollar?
Because it has four quarters.
How many pieces of string does it take to reach the moon?
One, if it is long enough.
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a boring summer.
Whose fault will it be if California falls into the ocean?
San Andreas fault.
What you call a geologist who doesn't hear anything?
Stone deaf.
What happens to a small stone when it works up its courage?
It becomes a little boulder (bolder).
When are geologists unpopular?
When they are fault-finders.
When are geologists unhappy?
When people take them for granite.
9/11/24
What kind of flower is in your eye?
An iris.
Which insects have the best manners?
Ladybugs.
What's a flea’s favorite plant?
A cattail.
What's a flea’s second favorite plant?
Dogwood.
Why is the troll so good in art class?
He lived under a drawbridge.
What do ghosts read during band practice?
Sheet music.
Where do baby ghosts sit when they eat dinner?
In BOOster seats.
What's a witch's favorite computer tool?
Spell check.
9/9/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to wait so long to eat?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Harvey.
Harvey who?
Harvey having fun or what?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Ali.
Ali who?
“Ali round the world people are dancing in the streets.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hassan.
Hassan who?
Hassan anybody here seen Kelly?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hawaii.
Hawaii who?
I’m fine. How are you?
9/5/24
What would you get if you crossed a beagle with a giraffe?
A dog that barks at airplanes.
BOSS: How is it that every time I come around you're not working?
WORKER: You wear sneakers.
Why was the lumberjack so successful?
Don't ax.
What's a lumberjack favorite month?
Sep-tiiiiimbrrrrrrr!
Why couldn't the lumberjack keep up with his work?
He was backlogged.
What sign you put on the top of a dummy’s ladder?
“STOP!”
9/4/24
The Dr. told his new patient, "You're in fine shape. You should live to be eighty."
"But I am eighty!" the patient exclaimed.
"See?" said the doctor. "What did I tell you?"
PATIENT: I've got up pain in my left leg.
DOCTOR.: (after examination): There’s nothing I can do for you. It's old-age.
PATIENT: But my left leg is just as old as my right leg and that one feels fine!
PATIENT: I have a weak back.
DOCTOR: When did you notice it?
PATIENT: Oh, about a week back.
PATIENT: You are right, Doctor, when you said you would have me on my feet and walking around in no time.
DOCTOR: I'm happy to hear. When do you start walking?
PATIENT: Right after I sold my car to pay your bill.
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Terrain.
Terrain who?
“Terrain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Terrify Tish.
Terrify Tish who?
Well, maybe just a little one on the cheek.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Texas.
Texas who?
Texas a long time to get together.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta banana split.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hester.
Hester who?
Hester anything I can do for you?
9/19/24
Books that have not been written and their authors:
Getting Places on Time by Harriet Upp.
I was a Double Agent by S.P.N. Hodge.
How to Be a Basketball Player by Duncan Pass.
How to Get out of Debt by I.OA. Bundle.
Inside a Garbage Truck by Howie Voltan.
How to be a Weight Lifter by Buster Gutt.
Fast Food Franchises by Eaton Run.
9/18/24
What likes to spend the summer in a fur coat and the winter in a wool bathing suit?
A moth.
Why did the burglar take a bath before breaking out of jail?
To make a clean getaway.
Say these 3 x quickly:
Frankenstein feasted on flaming fish at the free fish fry.
Frankenstein flies through fog and frost to fight flu fast.
Frankenstein threw three free throws.
The flimsy phantom fled the food-filled flat.
Faint phantoms fear fat flat flounders.
9/16/24
Tongue Twisters
“Swim, Sam, swim.
Show them you’re a swimmer!
Six sharp sharks seek small snacks.
So swim, Sam, swim!
Swan swam over the sea.
“Swim, Swan, Swim!”
Swan swam back again;
“Well swum, Swan!”
Some say shy shippers ship shy sheep.
Six sly shavers sheared six shy sheep.
Shameless shepherds shampoo shy sheep.
9/12/24
Which is lighter – the sun or the earth?
The sun, because it rises every morning.
Why is the moon like a dollar?
Because it has four quarters.
How many pieces of string does it take to reach the moon?
One, if it is long enough.
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a boring summer.
Whose fault will it be if California falls into the ocean?
San Andreas fault.
What you call a geologist who doesn't hear anything?
Stone deaf.
What happens to a small stone when it works up its courage?
It becomes a little boulder (bolder).
When are geologists unpopular?
When they are fault-finders.
When are geologists unhappy?
When people take them for granite.
9/11/24
What kind of flower is in your eye?
An iris.
Which insects have the best manners?
Ladybugs.
What's a flea’s favorite plant?
A cattail.
What's a flea’s second favorite plant?
Dogwood.
Why is the troll so good in art class?
He lived under a drawbridge.
What do ghosts read during band practice?
Sheet music.
Where do baby ghosts sit when they eat dinner?
In BOOster seats.
What's a witch's favorite computer tool?
Spell check.
9/9/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to wait so long to eat?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Harvey.
Harvey who?
Harvey having fun or what?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Ali.
Ali who?
“Ali round the world people are dancing in the streets.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hassan.
Hassan who?
Hassan anybody here seen Kelly?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hawaii.
Hawaii who?
I’m fine. How are you?
9/5/24
What would you get if you crossed a beagle with a giraffe?
A dog that barks at airplanes.
BOSS: How is it that every time I come around you're not working?
WORKER: You wear sneakers.
Why was the lumberjack so successful?
Don't ax.
What's a lumberjack favorite month?
Sep-tiiiiimbrrrrrrr!
Why couldn't the lumberjack keep up with his work?
He was backlogged.
What sign you put on the top of a dummy’s ladder?
“STOP!”
9/4/24
The Dr. told his new patient, "You're in fine shape. You should live to be eighty."
"But I am eighty!" the patient exclaimed.
"See?" said the doctor. "What did I tell you?"
PATIENT: I've got up pain in my left leg.
DOCTOR.: (after examination): There’s nothing I can do for you. It's old-age.
PATIENT: But my left leg is just as old as my right leg and that one feels fine!
PATIENT: I have a weak back.
DOCTOR: When did you notice it?
PATIENT: Oh, about a week back.
PATIENT: You are right, Doctor, when you said you would have me on my feet and walking around in no time.
DOCTOR: I'm happy to hear. When do you start walking?
PATIENT: Right after I sold my car to pay your bill.
9/2/24
Tongue Twisters
No shipshape ships shop stocks shop-soiled shirts.
“Sure the ship’s ship-shape, sir!”
Shallow sailing ships should shun shallow shoals.
The shallow ship showed signs of sinking.
The ship’s ceiling was so soaked and soiled, the sailor had to seal the soiled ceiling with ceiling sealer.
Sixty-four swift sloops swing shorewards.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - AUGUST
8/29/24
What would you get if you crossed…
… a mummy with a stopwatch?
An old-timer.
… a newborn snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
… a snake with a funeral?
A hiss and hearse.
… a monster with a Boy Scout?
A monster that’s always prepared.
… a ghost with an alligator?
An animal that says “Boo” before it bites.
8/28/24
Tongue Twisters
An undertaker undertook to undertake an undertaking.
The undertaking that the undertaker undertook was the hardest undertaking the undertaker ever undertook to undertake.
Underwood would wear underwear if Underwood knew where his underwear was.
Underwood’s underwear was in Durwood’s woods.
Underwood went into Durwood’s woods and got his underwear.
3x fast
Unique New York.
The U.S. twin-screw cruiser.
Unsung songs.
8/26/24
What did the football say to the player?
"I'll get a kick out of you.”
What did the football say after the player threw it?
"You send me!"
What did the helmet say to the football player?
"You're putting me on!"
How do we know that football referees are happy?
Because a whistle why they work.
Who are the happiest people in the game?
The cheer leaders.
Which ballplayer wears the biggest helmet?
The one with the biggest head.
8/22/24
What does Santa eat first out of his Easter basket?
Belly beans.
What do tarantulas drink on Halloween?
Apple spider.
What do turkeys dress up as for Halloween?
Gobblins.
What do canaries do on Halloween?
Trick or tweet!
What kind of parties do bricklayers attend?
Cement mixers.
Did you hear about the party the basement?
It made the Best Cellar List.
What does a werewolf say when the party is over?
”Fangs a lot for inviting me!”
8/21/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Barber.
Barber who?
Barber, black sheep.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Macon.
Macon who?
Macon a mountain out of a molehill.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Tacoma.
Tacoma who?
Tacoma your hair – it’s a mess.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Clark Kent.
Clark Kent who?
Clark Kent come, he’s sick.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Levin.
Levin who?
Levin on a jet plane.
8/19/24
What did the zero say to the eight?
"Nice belt."
How did the belt break the law?
It held up a pair of pants.
What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party?
T-shirts.
What's the best shirt to wear into battle?
A tank top.
Why did the girl protest being expelled for wearing a tank top?
She wanted the right to bear arms.
What do you call a dinosaur that’s never late?
Prontosaurus.
8/15/24
Stupid Insults
"I'm a bookworm."
"Oh, I thought you were just the ordinary kind."
You must be the head kid on the block – the blockhead.
"Look at me when I'm talking."
"I'd rather not. I have my own problems."
A crumb like you should have stayed in bread.
"How is your health these days?"
"I sleep soundly and eat like a horse."
"Please leave your manners out of this."
Have you ever the thought of checking into the home for the chronically strange?
8/14/24
Tongue Twisters
(This 'old school' one is really hard, try it out loud! LOL :) Have fun.)
The old school scold
Sold the school coal scuttle
If the old school scold sold
The school coal scuttle,
The school should scold
And scuttle the old school scold.
“What a strange stain,” stated Stan.
That stain was the strangest stain Stan said he’d seen.
Sy’s son shines signs and sighs shyly.
How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
Sue sure seems scared of school.
8/12/24
What does an oyster do on its birthday?
Shellabrate.
What do you always get on your birthdays?
One year older.
When do kangaroos celebrate birthdays?
In leap years.
What birthday game do cows play?
Moooosical chairs.
What do you sing before a robin blows out its candles?
“Happy Bird-day to You!”
Who should you call if you have 100 candles on your cake?
The fire department.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the birthday party?
It had no body to go with
8/8/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cypress.
Cypress who?
Cypress your suit?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dakota.
Dakota who?
Dakota fits fine, but the pants are too long.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Eugenes.
Eugenes who?
Eugenes need washing.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dispense.
Dispense who?
Dispense are too tight.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dinosaur.
Dinosaur who?
Dinosaur at you because you burnt the toast.
8/7/24
"I'd like to buy a pair of thermal underwear."
"How long do you want them?"
"From October to March."
"What should I wear with my new tie?"
"A long beard."
CUSTOMER: Look at this coat you sold me! It split up the back!
SALESMAN: That shows how tightly the buttons were sown on.
MOTHER: Did you fall down with your good pants on?
SON: Yes. I didn't have time to take them off.
What did the tailor say to the customer?
"Suit yourself."
What's the best pattern for a banker's suit?
Checks.
8/5/24
PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, I think a killer bee is circling me all the time!
DOCTOR: Oh, that's just a bug that's going around.
AMBULANCE DRIVER: Have an accident?
VICTIM: No, thanks, I just had one.
AMBULANCE DRIVER: Didn't you see the sign that said DON'T WALK?
VICTIM: I thought it was an ad for taxicabs.
WITCH DOCTOR (to sick native): Drink this potion of ground bat wing, lizard tail, alligator scale, and whole feathers.
SICK NATIVE: I drink that yesterday and it didn't work.
WITCH DOCTOR: Okay, take two aspirins and call me in the morning.
MOTHER CANNIBAL (to witch doctor): I'm worried about Junior. He wants to be a vegetarian.
8/1/24
Tongue Twisters
The spunky skunk slumped and the stinky slug slouched.
Soon they switched and the spunky skunk slouched and the stinky slug slumped.
How many slim, slimy snakes would slither silently to the sea if slim, slimy snakes could slither silently
“Shoot, Sally!” shouted Slim Sam.
Stu’s shoe was in Sue’s stew.
Are Stan’s scuffed snowshoes stuck in the snowy slush?
Sue saw Sam Sawyer sawing cedar shavings.
Sue said, “Stop sawing, Sam,” and Sam Sawyer stopped.
7/29/24
Tongue Twisters
Sold the school coal scuttle
If the old school scold sold
The school coal scuttle,
The school should scold
And scuttle the old school scold.
“What a strange stain,” stated Stan.
That stain was the strangest stain Stan said he’d seen.
Sy’s son shines signs and sighs shyly.
How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
Sue sure seems scared of school.
8/12/24
What does an oyster do on its birthday?
Shellabrate.
What do you always get on your birthdays?
One year older.
When do kangaroos celebrate birthdays?
In leap years.
What birthday game do cows play?
Moooosical chairs.
What do you sing before a robin blows out its candles?
“Happy Bird-day to You!”
Who should you call if you have 100 candles on your cake?
The fire department.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the birthday party?
It had no body to go with
8/8/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cypress.
Cypress who?
Cypress your suit?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dakota.
Dakota who?
Dakota fits fine, but the pants are too long.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Eugenes.
Eugenes who?
Eugenes need washing.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dispense.
Dispense who?
Dispense are too tight.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dinosaur.
Dinosaur who?
Dinosaur at you because you burnt the toast.
8/7/24
"I'd like to buy a pair of thermal underwear."
"How long do you want them?"
"From October to March."
"What should I wear with my new tie?"
"A long beard."
CUSTOMER: Look at this coat you sold me! It split up the back!
SALESMAN: That shows how tightly the buttons were sown on.
MOTHER: Did you fall down with your good pants on?
SON: Yes. I didn't have time to take them off.
What did the tailor say to the customer?
"Suit yourself."
What's the best pattern for a banker's suit?
Checks.
8/5/24
PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, I think a killer bee is circling me all the time!
DOCTOR: Oh, that's just a bug that's going around.
AMBULANCE DRIVER: Have an accident?
VICTIM: No, thanks, I just had one.
AMBULANCE DRIVER: Didn't you see the sign that said DON'T WALK?
VICTIM: I thought it was an ad for taxicabs.
WITCH DOCTOR (to sick native): Drink this potion of ground bat wing, lizard tail, alligator scale, and whole feathers.
SICK NATIVE: I drink that yesterday and it didn't work.
WITCH DOCTOR: Okay, take two aspirins and call me in the morning.
MOTHER CANNIBAL (to witch doctor): I'm worried about Junior. He wants to be a vegetarian.
8/1/24
Tongue Twisters
The spunky skunk slumped and the stinky slug slouched.
Soon they switched and the spunky skunk slouched and the stinky slug slumped.
How many slim, slimy snakes would slither silently to the sea if slim, slimy snakes could slither silently
“Shoot, Sally!” shouted Slim Sam.
Stu’s shoe was in Sue’s stew.
Are Stan’s scuffed snowshoes stuck in the snowy slush?
Sue saw Sam Sawyer sawing cedar shavings.
Sue said, “Stop sawing, Sam,” and Sam Sawyer stopped.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - JULY
7/31/24
Tongue Twisters
3x fast
*Granny gave Gary grape gum.
*Gus goes by Blue Goose bus.
*Granny's gray goose goes last.
*Great gray geese graze gaily daily.
7/31/24
Tongue Twisters
3x fast
*Granny gave Gary grape gum.
*Gus goes by Blue Goose bus.
*Granny's gray goose goes last.
*Great gray geese graze gaily daily.
Tongue Twisters
How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
*The right fruit is ripe fruit.
*Rush the washing, Russell!.
*Really rotten writing.
*Rich, right, red, raw raisins.
3x fast:
Raise Ruth's red roof.
7/25/24
What do octopuses take on camping trips?
Tent-acles.
Can you make a fire with one stick?
Yes, if it's a match.
What would you get if you crossed a rabbit and a stand-up comic?
A funny bunny that walks on its hind legs.
A hiker went without sleep for seven days and wasn't tired. How come?
He slept at night.
How did Barbie help the chicken with its part in the camp play?
Barbie cued the chicken.
7/24/24
What do you wear to a sleep over?
A sleep overcoat.
Why did Silly Sarah wear kangaroo pajamas?
So she could leap into bed.
What does Tony the Tiger wear to bed?
Paw-jamas.
What do lawyers wear to bed?
There briefs.
What do mice eat on their birthdays?
Cheesecake.
What do rabbits eat on their birthdays?
Carrot cake.
What do demons eat on their birthdays?
Devil’s food cake.
7/22/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Beta watch.
Beta watch who?
“Beta watch out, beta not cry, beta not pout, I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town.”
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Owen.
Owen who?
Owen my way?
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Owl.
Owl who?
Owl be seeing you.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Oto be more alert when strangers are at the door.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Niacin.
Niacin who?
Niacin easy does it every time.
7/18/24
How about an insult?
I dreamt about you last night.
Worst nightmare I ever had.
"I learned to play the piano in no time."
"Yes, and it sounds that way, too."
"I've been playing the piano for five years."
"Aren't your fingers tired?"
"You're half an hour late I've been standing here like a fool."
"I can't help how you stand."
The only thing you can keep in your head for more than an hour is a cold.
The last time I saw a mouth like yours, it had a fish hook in it.
7/17/24
"I'm handing out gum before the flight starts," announced the flight attendant. "It will prevent your ears from popping as we climb."
After the flight, everyone left except one man. "Why are you still here?" The flight attendant asked.
"Ah, you have to speak up," yelled the man. "I can't hear you with this gum in my ears."
PILOT (to passengers): I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we’re lost.
PASSENGER: What's the good news?
PILOT: We’re making good time.
PILOT (to passengers): We have lost one of our engines, so we'll be an hour late for our arrival.
PILOT (an hour later): we just lost another engine, so will be three hours late for our arrival.
PASSENGER: If the last engine dies, we'll be up here forever.
Why are airports always so far from town?
Because they want them out where the planes are.
7/15/24
What is the difference between a rabbit that runs 3 miles a day and a so-so comedian?
One is a fit bunny, the other is a bit funny.
When are boxers like comedians?
When they have you in stitches.
What would you get if you cross a banana and a clown?
Peels of laughter.
What ducks crack jokes?
Wise quackers.
How are comedians like surgeons?
They are both cut-ups.
What's a comedian's favorite motorcycle?
A Yama-haha.
7/11/24
What's a crocodile's favorite drink?
Gatorade.
Where do rabbits get their food?
At hopping centers.
What do you call a lizard that wins the lottery?
A chamelionaire.
What do seals wear with their bathrobes?
Bedroom flippers.
Why do dolphins swim in salt water?
Pepper makes them sneeze.
How do chickens get into college?
By passing their eggs-aminations.
7/10/24
What magazine do cats to read?
Good Mousekeeping.
What cat likes to go bowling?
An alley cat.
Why did the cat put its kittens into a draw?
It didn't want to leave its litter lying around.
What would you get if you crossed a plump cat with a duck?
A duck-filled fatty puss.
What do cats like on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.
7/8/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Repeat.
Repeat who?
Who, who, who, who.
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Rhino.
Rhino who?
"Rhino a dark, secluded place."
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Rhoda.
Rhoda who?
Rhoda horse last week.
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Rhonda.
Rhonda who?
Rhonda first base when you hit the ball.
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Rice.
Rice who?
Rice and shine.
7/4/24
PATIENT: Will you treat me?
DOCTOR: Absolutely not! You'll have to pay like everyone else.
PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed a spoon!
DOCTOR: Well, sit down and don't stir.
PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed a knife and fork!
DOCTOR: Well, I guess you'll have to eat with your fingers.
PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed a roll of film!
DOCTOR: Well, don't worry. Nothing serious will develop.
WOMAN: Doctor, Doctor, my little boy has swallowed a bullet! What should I do?
DOCTOR: Well, don't point him at anybody.
DOCTOR: What's your problem?
PATIENT: I like bowties.
DOCTOR: Is that all? Thousands of people like bowties, I prefer them myself.
PATIENT: You do? What a relief! How do you like them, boiled or fried?
7/3/24
What is the best thing to do if you find a skunk in your sleeping bag?
Sleep somewhere else.
What fur do you get from a skunk?
As fur as possible.
What do skunks have that no other animals have?
Baby skunks.
What did one skunk say to the other skunk when they met a group of hikers in the woods?
"Come – let us spray."
What would you get if you crossed a skunk and a boomerang?
A smell you couldn't get rid of.
7/1/24
Tongue Twisters
A man demanded Amanda's panda.
Avery’s army’s armory.
Big boxes of bears being brought abroad.
Rubber baby-buggy bumpers
3x fast
Ashley's leaping as she’s sleeping.
6/27/24
How do eels get out of a muddy seabed?
With4-eel drive.
Where do jellyfish sleep?
In tent-acles.
Where do seahorses sleep?
Near barn-acles.
Why does Neptune wear a tank top?
To show off his mussels.
What do you call a dandelion floating in the ocean?
Sea weed.
6/26/24
What is the scientist’s favorite candy?
Experi-ments.
"Did you finish first in the pie-eating contest?
"No, I finished sickend."
What's red, white, and blue?
Sad candy canes.
What do you call a croissant on roller skates?
Breakfast to go.
"I'm the new manager of the doughnut shop."
"Are you in charge of everything?"
"Yes, the hole works."
6/24/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Iraq.
Iraq who?
Iraq ‘n roll.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Isaac.
Isaac who?
Isaac and tired of these knock-knock jokes.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Isabelle.
Isabelle who?
Isabelle on a fire engine necessary?
6/20/24
Limericks
A daring young fellow in Bangor
Sneaked a huge jet from its hanger.
When he crashed in the bay,
Neighbors made him away
Much more in sorrow than anger.
Said a gentle old man, "I suppose I ought not to wear my best clothes.
But what can I do?
I have only two,
And these are no better than those."
A thrifty young fellow of Shorehem
Made brown paper trousers and wore ‘em.
He looked nice and neat
Till he bent in the street
To pick up a pin, then he tore ‘em.
A greedy young actress once said,
As she gobbled down slices of bread,
"If I eat one more crust,
I'm sure I will bust" –
At which point her audience fled
6/19/24
Tongue Twisters
Fifty-five flags freely flutter from the floating frigate.
Five flags flying from a flimsy flagpole.
Three fluffy feathers fell from Phoebe’s flimsy fan.
Sixty-six sick six-shooters.
3x fast
Free flag.
Stagecoach stops.
Strange strategic statistics.
6/17/24
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.
Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Why did the surfer cross the road?
To get to the other tide.
6/13/24
What kind of plane does an elephant fly?
A jumbo jet.
What do you call sheep that join law enforcement?
The Fleece Police.
What's a kangaroo's favorite year?
Leap year.
What kind of cars do hummingbirds drive?
Hum-vees.
Why didn't the alligator finish its homework?
It was swamped.
What do you call a crocodile that lives between two buildings?
An alley-gator.
6/12/24
Why did the poppy seed cross the road?
It was on a roll.
What makes a loaf of bread happy?
Being kneaded.
What do bread bakers do on their day off?
Loaf.
What do police officers buy at the bakery?
Copcakes.
How do you keep bagels from being stolen?
Put lox on them.
What did the gingerbread man find on his bed?
A cookie sheet.
6/10/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alby
Alby who?
Alby glad when school is over.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Ida.
Ida who?
Ida rather be playing outside.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alex.
Alex who?
Alex New York in June.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
House.
House who?
House about you?
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alf.
Alf who?
Alf a loaf is better than none.
6/6/24
TEACHER: What's a vacuum, William?
WILLIAM: Wait a minute, Teacher. I have it in my head.
What is the best way to cut down on pollution in schools?
Use unleaded pencils.
What mouse was ruler of the Romans?
Julius Cheeser.
What did you need to win a race in the old Roman Coliseum?
Faith, hope, and chariot.
What kind of illumination did Noah use on the ark?
Floodlights.
6/5/24
How do you use a thermometer to find the height of a building?
Lower the thermometer on a string from the top of the building to the ground. Then measure the length of the string.
Why did the scientist throw the thermometer out of the laboratory on a hot day?
He wanted to see the temperature dropped.
What mysterious thing did the scientist see in the skillet?
An unidentified fryingobject.
What would you get if you crossed a parrot and an elephant?
Something that tells everything it remembers.
What do you get if you cross a parrot and an army man?
A parrot-trooper.
6/3/24
Tongue Twisters
Donna didn't date Darla’s daddy’s dentist, but Darla did.
The detective effectively detected the defective device.
The drummers drummed and the strummers strummed.
Sherman shops at cheap chop suey shops.
Mrs. Smith’s Fish Sauce Shop.
She sells Swiss sweets.
Sneers and snarls and snail snips.
Is Sherry’s shortcake shop shut?
Is Shelly’s shortcake shop shut?
3x fast
A dozen dim ding-dongs
5/30/24
"That boat does 20 miles an hour."
"Not 20 miles. You mean knots."
"Okay, miles to me – and not to you!”
"I dreamed about zeros last night."
"You don't mean zeros, you mean naughts."
"Okay, zeros to me – and naughts to you!”
"My great-grandfather fought with General Lee, my grandfather fought with the British, and my father fought with the Americans."
"Your family can't get along with anybody, can they?
There's a good reason why you think the world is against you – it is.
Your little mind must be lonesome, rolling around in such an empty head.
5/29/24
Knock - Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Beth.
Beth who?
Beth you can guess.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Bias.
Bias who?
Bias many as you need.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Bifocal.
Bifocal who?
Bifocal built for two.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Big Horse.
Big Horse who?
"Big Horse of you there is a song in my heart."
5/27/24
What would you get if you threw Daffy Duck into the Atlantic Ocean?
Saltwater Daffy.
What do you call a lamb that fights on the ocean?
A battlesheep.
What city do sharks come from?
Shark-ago.
Why did the shark spit out the clown?
He tasted funny.
“Did you know that Eskimos once used fish for money?”
“Gee, I bet they had a hard time getting a can of soda out of the machine.”
5/23/24
What's the difference between the sun and a loaf of bread?
One rises from the east, the other from the yeast.
Why did the motorist put a rabbit in her gas tank?
Because she needed the car for short hops.
Did you hear the joke about the sun?
Never mind, way over your head.
What happens when the sun gets tired?
It sets awhile.
What flower do you get if you cross a pointer and a setter?
A poinsettia.
5/22/24
Knock-Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Simms.
Simms who?
"Simms like old times."
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Simon.
Simon who?
"Simon love with a wonderful guy."
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Singapore.
Singapore who?
You Singapore and I don't want to listen.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Sir.
Sir who?
Sir-prize!
5/20/24
Tongue Twisters
*The right fruit is ripe fruit.
*Rush the washing, Russell!.
*Really rotten writing.
*Rich, right, red, raw raisins.
3x fast:
Raise Ruth's red roof.
7/25/24
What do octopuses take on camping trips?
Tent-acles.
Can you make a fire with one stick?
Yes, if it's a match.
What would you get if you crossed a rabbit and a stand-up comic?
A funny bunny that walks on its hind legs.
A hiker went without sleep for seven days and wasn't tired. How come?
He slept at night.
How did Barbie help the chicken with its part in the camp play?
Barbie cued the chicken.
7/24/24
What do you wear to a sleep over?
A sleep overcoat.
Why did Silly Sarah wear kangaroo pajamas?
So she could leap into bed.
What does Tony the Tiger wear to bed?
Paw-jamas.
What do lawyers wear to bed?
There briefs.
What do mice eat on their birthdays?
Cheesecake.
What do rabbits eat on their birthdays?
Carrot cake.
What do demons eat on their birthdays?
Devil’s food cake.
7/22/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Beta watch.
Beta watch who?
“Beta watch out, beta not cry, beta not pout, I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town.”
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Owen.
Owen who?
Owen my way?
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Owl.
Owl who?
Owl be seeing you.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Oto be more alert when strangers are at the door.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Niacin.
Niacin who?
Niacin easy does it every time.
7/18/24
How about an insult?
I dreamt about you last night.
Worst nightmare I ever had.
"I learned to play the piano in no time."
"Yes, and it sounds that way, too."
"I've been playing the piano for five years."
"Aren't your fingers tired?"
"You're half an hour late I've been standing here like a fool."
"I can't help how you stand."
The only thing you can keep in your head for more than an hour is a cold.
The last time I saw a mouth like yours, it had a fish hook in it.
7/17/24
"I'm handing out gum before the flight starts," announced the flight attendant. "It will prevent your ears from popping as we climb."
After the flight, everyone left except one man. "Why are you still here?" The flight attendant asked.
"Ah, you have to speak up," yelled the man. "I can't hear you with this gum in my ears."
PILOT (to passengers): I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we’re lost.
PASSENGER: What's the good news?
PILOT: We’re making good time.
PILOT (to passengers): We have lost one of our engines, so we'll be an hour late for our arrival.
PILOT (an hour later): we just lost another engine, so will be three hours late for our arrival.
PASSENGER: If the last engine dies, we'll be up here forever.
Why are airports always so far from town?
Because they want them out where the planes are.
7/15/24
What is the difference between a rabbit that runs 3 miles a day and a so-so comedian?
One is a fit bunny, the other is a bit funny.
When are boxers like comedians?
When they have you in stitches.
What would you get if you cross a banana and a clown?
Peels of laughter.
What ducks crack jokes?
Wise quackers.
How are comedians like surgeons?
They are both cut-ups.
What's a comedian's favorite motorcycle?
A Yama-haha.
7/11/24
What's a crocodile's favorite drink?
Gatorade.
Where do rabbits get their food?
At hopping centers.
What do you call a lizard that wins the lottery?
A chamelionaire.
What do seals wear with their bathrobes?
Bedroom flippers.
Why do dolphins swim in salt water?
Pepper makes them sneeze.
How do chickens get into college?
By passing their eggs-aminations.
7/10/24
What magazine do cats to read?
Good Mousekeeping.
What cat likes to go bowling?
An alley cat.
Why did the cat put its kittens into a draw?
It didn't want to leave its litter lying around.
What would you get if you crossed a plump cat with a duck?
A duck-filled fatty puss.
What do cats like on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.
7/8/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Repeat.
Repeat who?
Who, who, who, who.
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Rhino.
Rhino who?
"Rhino a dark, secluded place."
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Rhoda.
Rhoda who?
Rhoda horse last week.
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Rhonda.
Rhonda who?
Rhonda first base when you hit the ball.
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Rice.
Rice who?
Rice and shine.
7/4/24
PATIENT: Will you treat me?
DOCTOR: Absolutely not! You'll have to pay like everyone else.
PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed a spoon!
DOCTOR: Well, sit down and don't stir.
PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed a knife and fork!
DOCTOR: Well, I guess you'll have to eat with your fingers.
PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed a roll of film!
DOCTOR: Well, don't worry. Nothing serious will develop.
WOMAN: Doctor, Doctor, my little boy has swallowed a bullet! What should I do?
DOCTOR: Well, don't point him at anybody.
DOCTOR: What's your problem?
PATIENT: I like bowties.
DOCTOR: Is that all? Thousands of people like bowties, I prefer them myself.
PATIENT: You do? What a relief! How do you like them, boiled or fried?
7/3/24
What is the best thing to do if you find a skunk in your sleeping bag?
Sleep somewhere else.
What fur do you get from a skunk?
As fur as possible.
What do skunks have that no other animals have?
Baby skunks.
What did one skunk say to the other skunk when they met a group of hikers in the woods?
"Come – let us spray."
What would you get if you crossed a skunk and a boomerang?
A smell you couldn't get rid of.
7/1/24
Tongue Twisters
A man demanded Amanda's panda.
Avery’s army’s armory.
Big boxes of bears being brought abroad.
Rubber baby-buggy bumpers
3x fast
Ashley's leaping as she’s sleeping.
6/27/24
How do eels get out of a muddy seabed?
With4-eel drive.
Where do jellyfish sleep?
In tent-acles.
Where do seahorses sleep?
Near barn-acles.
Why does Neptune wear a tank top?
To show off his mussels.
What do you call a dandelion floating in the ocean?
Sea weed.
6/26/24
What is the scientist’s favorite candy?
Experi-ments.
"Did you finish first in the pie-eating contest?
"No, I finished sickend."
What's red, white, and blue?
Sad candy canes.
What do you call a croissant on roller skates?
Breakfast to go.
"I'm the new manager of the doughnut shop."
"Are you in charge of everything?"
"Yes, the hole works."
6/24/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Iraq.
Iraq who?
Iraq ‘n roll.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Isaac.
Isaac who?
Isaac and tired of these knock-knock jokes.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Isabelle.
Isabelle who?
Isabelle on a fire engine necessary?
6/20/24
Limericks
A daring young fellow in Bangor
Sneaked a huge jet from its hanger.
When he crashed in the bay,
Neighbors made him away
Much more in sorrow than anger.
Said a gentle old man, "I suppose I ought not to wear my best clothes.
But what can I do?
I have only two,
And these are no better than those."
A thrifty young fellow of Shorehem
Made brown paper trousers and wore ‘em.
He looked nice and neat
Till he bent in the street
To pick up a pin, then he tore ‘em.
A greedy young actress once said,
As she gobbled down slices of bread,
"If I eat one more crust,
I'm sure I will bust" –
At which point her audience fled
6/19/24
Tongue Twisters
Fifty-five flags freely flutter from the floating frigate.
Five flags flying from a flimsy flagpole.
Three fluffy feathers fell from Phoebe’s flimsy fan.
Sixty-six sick six-shooters.
3x fast
Free flag.
Stagecoach stops.
Strange strategic statistics.
6/17/24
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.
Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Why did the surfer cross the road?
To get to the other tide.
6/13/24
What kind of plane does an elephant fly?
A jumbo jet.
What do you call sheep that join law enforcement?
The Fleece Police.
What's a kangaroo's favorite year?
Leap year.
What kind of cars do hummingbirds drive?
Hum-vees.
Why didn't the alligator finish its homework?
It was swamped.
What do you call a crocodile that lives between two buildings?
An alley-gator.
6/12/24
Why did the poppy seed cross the road?
It was on a roll.
What makes a loaf of bread happy?
Being kneaded.
What do bread bakers do on their day off?
Loaf.
What do police officers buy at the bakery?
Copcakes.
How do you keep bagels from being stolen?
Put lox on them.
What did the gingerbread man find on his bed?
A cookie sheet.
6/10/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alby
Alby who?
Alby glad when school is over.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Ida.
Ida who?
Ida rather be playing outside.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alex.
Alex who?
Alex New York in June.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
House.
House who?
House about you?
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alf.
Alf who?
Alf a loaf is better than none.
6/6/24
TEACHER: What's a vacuum, William?
WILLIAM: Wait a minute, Teacher. I have it in my head.
What is the best way to cut down on pollution in schools?
Use unleaded pencils.
What mouse was ruler of the Romans?
Julius Cheeser.
What did you need to win a race in the old Roman Coliseum?
Faith, hope, and chariot.
What kind of illumination did Noah use on the ark?
Floodlights.
6/5/24
How do you use a thermometer to find the height of a building?
Lower the thermometer on a string from the top of the building to the ground. Then measure the length of the string.
Why did the scientist throw the thermometer out of the laboratory on a hot day?
He wanted to see the temperature dropped.
What mysterious thing did the scientist see in the skillet?
An unidentified fryingobject.
What would you get if you crossed a parrot and an elephant?
Something that tells everything it remembers.
What do you get if you cross a parrot and an army man?
A parrot-trooper.
6/3/24
Tongue Twisters
Donna didn't date Darla’s daddy’s dentist, but Darla did.
The detective effectively detected the defective device.
The drummers drummed and the strummers strummed.
Sherman shops at cheap chop suey shops.
Mrs. Smith’s Fish Sauce Shop.
She sells Swiss sweets.
Sneers and snarls and snail snips.
Is Sherry’s shortcake shop shut?
Is Shelly’s shortcake shop shut?
3x fast
A dozen dim ding-dongs
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - MAY
"That boat does 20 miles an hour."
"Not 20 miles. You mean knots."
"Okay, miles to me – and not to you!”
"I dreamed about zeros last night."
"You don't mean zeros, you mean naughts."
"Okay, zeros to me – and naughts to you!”
"My great-grandfather fought with General Lee, my grandfather fought with the British, and my father fought with the Americans."
"Your family can't get along with anybody, can they?
There's a good reason why you think the world is against you – it is.
Your little mind must be lonesome, rolling around in such an empty head.
5/29/24
Knock - Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Beth.
Beth who?
Beth you can guess.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Bias.
Bias who?
Bias many as you need.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Bifocal.
Bifocal who?
Bifocal built for two.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Big Horse.
Big Horse who?
"Big Horse of you there is a song in my heart."
5/27/24
What would you get if you threw Daffy Duck into the Atlantic Ocean?
Saltwater Daffy.
What do you call a lamb that fights on the ocean?
A battlesheep.
What city do sharks come from?
Shark-ago.
Why did the shark spit out the clown?
He tasted funny.
“Did you know that Eskimos once used fish for money?”
“Gee, I bet they had a hard time getting a can of soda out of the machine.”
5/23/24
What's the difference between the sun and a loaf of bread?
One rises from the east, the other from the yeast.
Why did the motorist put a rabbit in her gas tank?
Because she needed the car for short hops.
Did you hear the joke about the sun?
Never mind, way over your head.
What happens when the sun gets tired?
It sets awhile.
What flower do you get if you cross a pointer and a setter?
A poinsettia.
5/22/24
Knock-Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Simms.
Simms who?
"Simms like old times."
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Simon.
Simon who?
"Simon love with a wonderful guy."
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Singapore.
Singapore who?
You Singapore and I don't want to listen.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Sir.
Sir who?
Sir-prize!
5/20/24
Tongue Twisters
Indianapolis isn't in India, Andy. Indians are in India and Indians are in Indiana. But the Indian Indians and Indiana Indians aren’t identical Indians. The Indians in India are Indian Indians, and the Indians in Indiana are indigenous Indians.
Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?
3 xs fast
I see Isis’ icy eyes.
Ira acquired iron awnings.
5/16/24
What is a fighter's favorite dog?
A boxer.
What is a bowler’s favorite dog?
A setter.
What is a baseball player’s favorite dog?
A good retriever that wears a muzzle, chases flies, and beats it for home when it sees a catcher.
What is a weightlifter’s favorite dog?
A Siberian husky.
What is a chef’s favorite dog?
A chow.
What is Hamlet's favorite dog?
A Great Dane.
5/15/24
What do saints eat on their birthdays?
Angel food cake.
What do dwarfs eat on their birthdays?
Shortcake.
What do divers eat on their birthdays?
Sponge cake.
What do grouchy cows eat on their birthdays?
Sour cream cake.
What do carpenters eat on their birthdays?
Pound cake.
What do police eat on their birthdays?
Cop cakes.
5/13/24
What does the Jaws candy bar cost?
An arm and a leg.
RIDING INSTRUCTOR: What kind of saddle do you want on your horse – one with a horn or without?
RIDER: Without. There doesn’t seem to be much traffic around here.
What did the horse say after finishing its hay?
“That’s the last straw!”
Where does a lion work out?
At the jungle gym.
5/9/24
What does a werewolf put on at the beach?
Moon-tan lotion.
Why did the mad scientist cross a mole and Dick Tracy?
He wanted to bring law and order to the underground.
Five ghouls were sitting under an umbrella, but none of them got wet. How come?
It wasn't raining.
How does a skeleton study for a test?
It bones up for it the night before.
What do you call a skeleton that talks all the time?
A jawbone.
5/8/24
Knock-Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida when I'm hungry and drink when I'm dry.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Aisle.
Aisle who?
Aisle be seeing you.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alaska.
Alaska who?
Alaska questions around here.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Albee.
Albee who?
Albee a monkey’s uncle.
5/6/24
What do you call a duck who graduates from medical school?
"Duck-tor."
What do you call a dog who graduates from medical school?
“Dog-tor.”
What do you call a squid that graduates from medical school?
“Doc-topus.”
What was Ronald McDonald's problem?
Fallen arches.
What was the Olympic athlete’s problem?
Slipped discus.
5/2/24
What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?
Just put it on my bill.
What’s a duck’s favorite snack?
Quacker Jacks.
If a duck says “Quack, quack” when it walks, what does it say when it runs?
“Quick, quick!”
If people live in condos, where do ducks live?
In pondos.
How do you heal a broken duck?
Use duck tape.
5/1/24
Tongue Twister
One worm wiggled
while
Two tiny toads tasted tea
Three thirsty turkeys thought
while
Four frantic flamingos flapped
while
Five ferocious felines flashed their fangs
while
Six slow sloths silently slept
while
Seven stinky skunks started singing
while
Eight elderly elks eloped
while
Nine needlefish knitted napkins
while
Ten tarantulas tapped tambourines.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - APRIL
Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?
3 xs fast
I see Isis’ icy eyes.
Ira acquired iron awnings.
5/16/24
What is a fighter's favorite dog?
A boxer.
What is a bowler’s favorite dog?
A setter.
What is a baseball player’s favorite dog?
A good retriever that wears a muzzle, chases flies, and beats it for home when it sees a catcher.
What is a weightlifter’s favorite dog?
A Siberian husky.
What is a chef’s favorite dog?
A chow.
What is Hamlet's favorite dog?
A Great Dane.
5/15/24
What do saints eat on their birthdays?
Angel food cake.
What do dwarfs eat on their birthdays?
Shortcake.
What do divers eat on their birthdays?
Sponge cake.
What do grouchy cows eat on their birthdays?
Sour cream cake.
What do carpenters eat on their birthdays?
Pound cake.
What do police eat on their birthdays?
Cop cakes.
5/13/24
What does the Jaws candy bar cost?
An arm and a leg.
RIDING INSTRUCTOR: What kind of saddle do you want on your horse – one with a horn or without?
RIDER: Without. There doesn’t seem to be much traffic around here.
What did the horse say after finishing its hay?
“That’s the last straw!”
Where does a lion work out?
At the jungle gym.
5/9/24
What does a werewolf put on at the beach?
Moon-tan lotion.
Why did the mad scientist cross a mole and Dick Tracy?
He wanted to bring law and order to the underground.
Five ghouls were sitting under an umbrella, but none of them got wet. How come?
It wasn't raining.
How does a skeleton study for a test?
It bones up for it the night before.
What do you call a skeleton that talks all the time?
A jawbone.
5/8/24
Knock-Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida when I'm hungry and drink when I'm dry.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Aisle.
Aisle who?
Aisle be seeing you.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Alaska.
Alaska who?
Alaska questions around here.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Albee.
Albee who?
Albee a monkey’s uncle.
5/6/24
What do you call a duck who graduates from medical school?
"Duck-tor."
What do you call a dog who graduates from medical school?
“Dog-tor.”
What do you call a squid that graduates from medical school?
“Doc-topus.”
What was Ronald McDonald's problem?
Fallen arches.
What was the Olympic athlete’s problem?
Slipped discus.
5/2/24
What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?
Just put it on my bill.
What’s a duck’s favorite snack?
Quacker Jacks.
If a duck says “Quack, quack” when it walks, what does it say when it runs?
“Quick, quick!”
If people live in condos, where do ducks live?
In pondos.
How do you heal a broken duck?
Use duck tape.
5/1/24
Tongue Twister
One worm wiggled
while
Two tiny toads tasted tea
Three thirsty turkeys thought
while
Four frantic flamingos flapped
while
Five ferocious felines flashed their fangs
while
Six slow sloths silently slept
while
Seven stinky skunks started singing
while
Eight elderly elks eloped
while
Nine needlefish knitted napkins
while
Ten tarantulas tapped tambourines.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - APRIL
4/29/24
What did the mountains scream after the earthquake?
"It wasn't my fault!"
What did Papa Pig put on his face when he cut himself shaving?
Oink-ment.
How did the chimp fix the leaky faucet?
With a monkey wrench.
Why did Silly Billy stand before the bathroom mirror with his eyes shut?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
What would you do if you broke a tooth while flossing?
Use toothpaste.
4/25/24
HOTEL OWNER: I won’t charge you for the breakfast because you didn’t eat it.
GUEST: Thanks. By the way, I didn’t sleep last night.
MAN IN HOTEL: Excuse me, but I’m registered at this hotel. Could you tell me what room I’m in?
HOTEL CLERK: Certainly. You’re in the lobby.
BOSS: What’s this big item on your expense account?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’s the hotel bill.
BOSS: Well, don’t buy any more hotels.
“I’m always sick before a trip.”
“Then why don’t you leave a day earlier?”
4/24/24
Limericks
To a person arriving in Heaven
Said St. Peter, "We dine sharp at seven,
Then breakfast’s at eight –
Never mind if you're late –
‘Cause there's biscuits and milk at eleven."
Said a cellist, a modest young fellow,
When praised for his playing so mellow,
"It's the easiest thing; I just butter each string
With a spoon full of strawberry Jell-O."
The girl in the China pagoda
Ate onions from fair Minnesota,
And garlic from Greece
And Limburger cheese
And her friends dropped like flies from the odor.
There was a longshoreman named Sid
Who ate sixty-five eggs in Madrid.
When they asked, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as well as I did."
4/22/24
Knock-Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Order.
Order who?
"Order land of the free and the home of the brave."
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Osborne.
Osborne who?
Osborne in the U. S. A.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Emma.
Emma who?
"Emma Yankee Doodle Dandy."
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Oscar.
Oscar who?
Oscar if she has a sister.
4/18/24
Tongue Twisters
Ann Anteater ate Andy Alligator’s apples,
so angry Andy Alligator ate
Ann Anteaters’s ants.
Adam ate an autumn apple.
Ancient anchors anchor ancient arks.
Can an active actor always actually act accurately?
Are Archie and Audrey’s archery arrows as arty as Artie’s archery arrows?
3x fast
Alice asks for axes.
4/17/24
What would you get if Mickey Mantle married Betty Crocker?
Better batters.
What do you get if you cover a baseball field with sandpaper?
A diamond in the rough.
Why is a baseball field hot after the game?
Because all the fans have gone home.
Why can't turtles play baseball?
They can't run home.
How can you pitch a winning baseball game without ever throwing a ball?
Throw only strikes.
What happens when you hit a pop fly?
The same thing that happens when you hit a mom fly.
4/15/24
Why did Silly Billy sign up his aquarium for Army duty?
He heard they needed more tanks.
Why did Silly Sarah take a rabbit to the bathroom?
She wanted to blow-dry her hare.
Why did Silly Sarah take trees to the bathroom?
To wash off her dirty palms.
Why did the moose pose in the bathroom mirror?
To flex his big mooscles.
Why did the male deer smile in the bathroom mirror?
To show off his buck teeth.
4/11/24
What’s green and smells like paint?
Paint.
Who lives underground and loves to paint?
Vincent Van Gopher.
Why did the sculptor think he was going crazy?
He lost his marbles.
What happened when the artist threw a tantrum?
He showed his true colors.
Did you hear about the graffiti artist who retired? He saw the handwriting on the wall.
4/10/24
Why do surgeons wear masks during operations?
So that if they make a mistake, no one will know who did it.
What kind of doctor operates on Styrofoam?
A plastic surgeon.
What do eye doctors sing when they test you?
"Oh, say can you see…"
What did old MacDonald see on the eye chart?
E-I-E-I-O.
Where is the best place to build offices for opticians and optometrists?
On a site for sore eyes.
PATIENT: Can I sleep in my contact lenses?
DOCTOR: No, your feet would stick out.
4/8/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Snake.
Snake who?
"Snake me out to the ballgame."
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Hannibal.
Hannibal who?
Hannibal game will last nine innings.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Sneer.
Sneer who?
Sneer and yet so far.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Soda.
Soda who?
Soda you want me to write you a letter?
3/28/24
What do butterflies become after they graduate from college?
Mothematicians.
What do ants furnish their homes with?
Ant-iques.
What do riverbanks do their homework in?
Their notebrooks.
If the buttercup is yellow, what color is a hiccup?
Burple.
Why don't mountains get cold in winter?
Because they wear snowcaps.
Which flowers are happy to see you?
Glad-iolas.
3/27/24
Why couldn't the three bears get back into their house?
Because it had Goldie locks.
How do you make bears listen?
Take away their B’ and they're all ears
"See that bear rug? That bear was only 6 feet away. It was either him or me."
"Well, the bear certainly makes a better rug…"
"Did you hear about the hunter who had an accident?"
"No, what happened?"
"It seems he saw some tracks. He went to study them closely. That's when the train hit him."
What does a ghost use to go hunting?
A boo and arrow.
3/25/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Summons.
Summons who?
"Summons to watch over me."
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Sup.
Sup who?
Sup to me.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Surly.
Surly who?
Surly in the morning; go back to bed.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Suture.
Suture who?
Suture self.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Swarm.
Swarm who?
Swarm in the summer and cold in the winter.
3/21/24
REPORTER: Doctor, what's the best thing to do when your ear rings?
DOCTOR: Answer it.
DOCTOR: You have a condition called "Updoc."
PATIENT: What's " Updoc"?
DOCTOR: Nothing much. What's up with you?
DOCTOR: About this habit of talking to yourself – it's nothing to worry about.
PATIENT: Well, maybe not, but I'm such an awful bore.
PATIENT: Doctor Doctor, come quickly! I swallowed my fountain pen!
DOCTOR: What are you doing in the meantime?
PATIENT: Using a pencil.
3/20/24
Tongue Twisters
People pay pros for playing.
Peter's plane is plainly painted.
Peter is paid plenty to paint plains.
Mr. Pletcher paints Mrs. Pitcher pictures of peaches.
Is a pleasant peasant’s pheasant present?
3X fast
Pooped purple pelicans.
Pick a purple pocket.
3/18/24
How do cattle defend themselves?
They use cow-a-ti . (karate)
How does a skunk defend itself?
Instinct.
Why did the karate expert wear a black belt?
To keep his pants up.
What tree is a karate champion?
Spruce Lee.
What is small, brown and green, and knows karate?
Bruce Pea.
3/14/24
How do police get rid of mosquitoes?
They call out the SWAT team.
Why did the silly boy take his piggy bank outdoors?
He heard there was going to be a change in the weather.
What should you do if you fall off a bicycle?
Get back on and re-cycle.
What falls on a mountain but never gets hurt?
Snow.
If two snakes marry, what will their towels say?
Hiss and Hers.
3/13/24
Why do bears have fur?
So their underwear won't show.
What kind of soda to Australian bears drink?
Coca-koala.
What does a skunk do before going to school?
Puts on its stinking cap.
TEACHER: Gabby, why are you late for school?
GABBY: I must have over washed.
TEACHER: Why are you late for school?
ARLENE: I couldn't help it. School started before I got here.
3/11/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Believing.
Believing who?
Believing if you don't open the door.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking so long my hand hurts.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Ben Hur.
Ben Hur who?
Ben Hur for 10 min. and nobody showed up.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Betty.
Betty who?
Betty gets sore knuckles from all that knocking.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Bess.
Bess who?
Bess of luck.
3/7/24
Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Because it couldn't get a date.
What salad do people prefer when they want privacy?
Lettuce alone.
What did the criminal say when he was saved from the hangman at the last minute?
"No noose is good news."
What's a comedian’s favorite food?
Cream of wit.
3/6/24
When is a pistol like a young horse?
When it's a Colt.
How is a stolen pistol like a racing car?
They're both hot rods.
When is a gun unemployed?
When it is fired.
How come a duck won the shoot-out?
It was a quack shot.
What would happen if an ice cream cone picked a fight with Jesse James?
The ice cream cone would get licked.
What do you call Jesse James when he has the flu?
A sick shooter.
3/4/24
Tongue Twisters
Four fat, flat-footed frogs flapped their floppy flippers.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Five fifers free,
Fifing in the fog,
Phyllis, Fran,
And Phil and Dan
And Philip's funny frog.
Flighty Flo Fisk and frisky Fritz Fisk
Of all the felt I ever felt
I never felt a piece of felt
That felt the same as that felt felt
When I first felt that felt.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - FEBUARY
2/28/24
Why are you like a shrub after a long hike?
Because your bushed.
What is the worst thing you're likely to find in the camp kitchen?
The food.
How do they count muffins in the camp kitchen?
They have a roll call.
How do you greet a web-footed bird?
"What’s up, duck?”
What is the difference between a football player and a duck?
You’ll find one in a huddle and the other in a puddle.
2/26/24
Why won't a leopard take a bath with you?
It doesn't want to come out spotless.
Why can't a herd of elephants ever get really clean?
Because they can't take off their trunks.
What fluffy bird calls "whoo, whoo” while you dry off?
A hoot towel.
Why does Mom put corncobs in the tub?
So you'll wash behind your ears.
Where do sailors take their baths?
In a tubmarine.
What happened when the rubber ducky fell into the bathtub?
It quacked up.
2/22/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hannah.
Hannah who?
Hannah me some potato chips.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Harlow.
Harlow who?
“Harlow Dolly, well Harlow Dolly.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Harmon.
Harmon who?
“Harmon love with a wonderful guy.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, I’m starving.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Abbot.
Abbot who?
Abbot time we eat, isn’t it?”
2/21/24
POLICE OFFICER: You are charged with having your dog chase a man on a bicycle.
MAN: That's crazy. My dog doesn't even know how to ride a bicycle.
Who brings dogs their presents at Christmas?
Santa Paws.
What kind of dog washes his clothes?
A laundro-mutt.
What has no hair and thinks it's the national dog of the United States?
The bald beagle.
"Did you knit this sweater all by yourself?"
"Yes, all except the whole you put your head through. That was there when I started."
2/19/24
What figures to the most walking?
Roman numerals.
What invention allows people to walk through walls?
Doors.
What goes through water but doesn't get wet?
A ray of light.
When is a horse not a horse?
When it turns into a pasture.
Where do the people of India go for bagels?
To the New Delhi.
2/15/24
Tongue Twisters
Round and round the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran.
Rex wrecks wet rocks.
Robin robs wealthy widows.
Seth’s sharp spacesuit shrank.
“Stay seated Stephanie,” Stephen said.
3x fast
Six small slick seals.
2/14/24
What does a parrot say on the Fourth of July?
"Polly wants a firecracker!”
What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker?
"My pop is bigger than your pop.”
What would you get if you crossed a chicken and a television set?
A TV show that lays eggs.
How can you tell if there is a football team in your bathtub?
It's hard to close the shower curtain.
Would you rather have a 300-pound football player attack you or a 300-pound wrestler?
I'd rather have them attack each other.
What did the football player say when he was hit by lightning?
"Got to glow now!"
2/12/24
What happens when two angels get married?
They live harpily ever after.
Who gets married at a witch's wedding?
The bride and broom.
What do you call two married spiders?
Newly-webs.
What does a duck wear to a wedding?
A duxedo.
Who do pelicans bring with them to weddings?
Their gullfriends.
What does Hamlet eat on his birthday?
Danish.
What do squirrels eat on their birthdays?
Donuts.
2/8/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Habit.
Habit who?
Habit your way.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Haddock.
Haddock who?
Haddock is killing me, got an aspirin?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Thistle.
Thistle who?
Thistle make you feel better.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hammond.
Hammond who?
Hammond cheese on rye, please.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hank.
Hank who?
Hank E. Chief.
2/7/24
MOTORIST: How far is it to the next town?
FARMER: To miles, as the crow flies.
MOTORIST: How far is it if the crow has to roll a flat tire?
What is Mickey Mouse's favorite car?
A Minnie van.
"This is a magic car," said the man, as he gave his daughter the keys.
"Really?" Said the girl.
"Yes," said the father. "One speeding ticket and it will disappear."
What makes sheep such bad drivers?
They make too many ewe turns.
What driver never gets a ticket?
A screwdriver.
"Do you know I can read bumper stickers on cars going 55 miles an hour?"
"No kidding."
"Yeah, I took a speed-reading course."
2/5/24
Why do mummies have high blood pressure?
Because they're so wound up.
DR.: The best time to take this medicine is just before retiring.
PATIENT: You mean I don't have to take it until I'm 65 years old?
PATIENT: I hear you are the greatest expert in the world at curing baldness. If you cure me, I'll give you anything you ask.
DR. (after examining the patient): I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I can't grow anymore hair on your head. Now for the good news: I can shrink your head to fit the hair you’ve got.
PATIENT: My hair is coming out pretty fast. Can you give me something to keep it in?
DR.: Sure. Here's an empty box.
DR.: You've been my patient for 10 years, Mr. Johnson. What makes you think I wouldn’t recognize you?
MR. JOHNSON: Because I'm not myself today.
2/1/24
Tongue Twisters
The queen coined quick clipped quips.
Quakes cause cracks.
Quincy! Quack quietly or quit quacking.
Remove the raw rice. Once the raw rice is removed, roast the white rice.
Reed rode in the red wagon when he went to Reagan’s.
Reed’s road was rough, so Reed refused a return ride in the red wagon.
Rival river runners rode the wild river.
3x fast
Quick kiss.
1/31/24
Limericks
There was a young girl in Havana
Who slipped on a skin of banana
Away went her feet,
And she took a seat
In a very unladylike manner.
A fellow who lived in New Guinea
Was known as a silly young ninny.
He utterly lacked
Good judgment and tact,
And as for clean socks – hadn't any!
A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, "Kindly note
My mama was a goat
And I'm made out of curds, by the whey."
1/29/24
KNOCK - KNOCK
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Taint.
Taint who?
Taint over till it’s over.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Taiwan.
Taiwan who?
Taiwan to be happy.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Tally.
Tally who?
What are you, a fox hunter?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara is another day.
1/25/24
What do hairdressers do at the end of their lives?
They curl up and dye.
What you call an attack by a bunch of wigs?
A hair raid.
Was the man wearing his toupee in the wrong place?
Yes, they pulled the rug out from under him.
How does a wig introduce itself?
“Hair I am!”
PATIENT: Doctor, I just swallowed a bone!
DOCTOR: Are you choking?
PATIENT: No, I'm serious.
1/24/24
What do you have when your head is hot, your foot is cold, and you see spots before your eyes?
A polka-dot sock over your head.
Why did the golfer change his socks?
He had a hole-in-one.
Why did the belt get arrested?
It held up a pair of pants.
What does a germ call his very small robe?
A microbe.
How do birds exercise before they go to bed?
They do worm-ups.
What did the mountains scream after the earthquake?
"It wasn't my fault!"
What did Papa Pig put on his face when he cut himself shaving?
Oink-ment.
How did the chimp fix the leaky faucet?
With a monkey wrench.
Why did Silly Billy stand before the bathroom mirror with his eyes shut?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
What would you do if you broke a tooth while flossing?
Use toothpaste.
4/25/24
HOTEL OWNER: I won’t charge you for the breakfast because you didn’t eat it.
GUEST: Thanks. By the way, I didn’t sleep last night.
MAN IN HOTEL: Excuse me, but I’m registered at this hotel. Could you tell me what room I’m in?
HOTEL CLERK: Certainly. You’re in the lobby.
BOSS: What’s this big item on your expense account?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’s the hotel bill.
BOSS: Well, don’t buy any more hotels.
“I’m always sick before a trip.”
“Then why don’t you leave a day earlier?”
4/24/24
Limericks
To a person arriving in Heaven
Said St. Peter, "We dine sharp at seven,
Then breakfast’s at eight –
Never mind if you're late –
‘Cause there's biscuits and milk at eleven."
Said a cellist, a modest young fellow,
When praised for his playing so mellow,
"It's the easiest thing; I just butter each string
With a spoon full of strawberry Jell-O."
The girl in the China pagoda
Ate onions from fair Minnesota,
And garlic from Greece
And Limburger cheese
And her friends dropped like flies from the odor.
There was a longshoreman named Sid
Who ate sixty-five eggs in Madrid.
When they asked, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as well as I did."
4/22/24
Knock-Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Order.
Order who?
"Order land of the free and the home of the brave."
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Osborne.
Osborne who?
Osborne in the U. S. A.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Emma.
Emma who?
"Emma Yankee Doodle Dandy."
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Oscar.
Oscar who?
Oscar if she has a sister.
4/18/24
Tongue Twisters
Ann Anteater ate Andy Alligator’s apples,
so angry Andy Alligator ate
Ann Anteaters’s ants.
Adam ate an autumn apple.
Ancient anchors anchor ancient arks.
Can an active actor always actually act accurately?
Are Archie and Audrey’s archery arrows as arty as Artie’s archery arrows?
3x fast
Alice asks for axes.
4/17/24
What would you get if Mickey Mantle married Betty Crocker?
Better batters.
What do you get if you cover a baseball field with sandpaper?
A diamond in the rough.
Why is a baseball field hot after the game?
Because all the fans have gone home.
Why can't turtles play baseball?
They can't run home.
How can you pitch a winning baseball game without ever throwing a ball?
Throw only strikes.
What happens when you hit a pop fly?
The same thing that happens when you hit a mom fly.
4/15/24
Why did Silly Billy sign up his aquarium for Army duty?
He heard they needed more tanks.
Why did Silly Sarah take a rabbit to the bathroom?
She wanted to blow-dry her hare.
Why did Silly Sarah take trees to the bathroom?
To wash off her dirty palms.
Why did the moose pose in the bathroom mirror?
To flex his big mooscles.
Why did the male deer smile in the bathroom mirror?
To show off his buck teeth.
4/11/24
What’s green and smells like paint?
Paint.
Who lives underground and loves to paint?
Vincent Van Gopher.
Why did the sculptor think he was going crazy?
He lost his marbles.
What happened when the artist threw a tantrum?
He showed his true colors.
Did you hear about the graffiti artist who retired? He saw the handwriting on the wall.
4/10/24
Why do surgeons wear masks during operations?
So that if they make a mistake, no one will know who did it.
What kind of doctor operates on Styrofoam?
A plastic surgeon.
What do eye doctors sing when they test you?
"Oh, say can you see…"
What did old MacDonald see on the eye chart?
E-I-E-I-O.
Where is the best place to build offices for opticians and optometrists?
On a site for sore eyes.
PATIENT: Can I sleep in my contact lenses?
DOCTOR: No, your feet would stick out.
4/8/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Snake.
Snake who?
"Snake me out to the ballgame."
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Hannibal.
Hannibal who?
Hannibal game will last nine innings.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Sneer.
Sneer who?
Sneer and yet so far.
Knock- knock.
Who’s there?
Soda.
Soda who?
Soda you want me to write you a letter?
4/4/24
What is small and yellow and wears a mask?
The Lone Lemon.
What happened when the painter threw his pictures at the outlaw?
The outlaw had an art attack.
When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed?
When he is underhanded.
What do outlaws eat with their milk?
Crookies.
What kind of sweets do outlaws steal?
Hot chocolate.
What do you get if you cross a big bell and an outlaw?
A gongster.
4/3/24
How do you divide the sea in half?
With a sea saw.
How do beetles clean their teeth?
They chew sugar-free buggle gum.
Which wild animal is a hairstylist?
Bullwinkle the Mousse.
What did the little lobster get on its math test?
Sea-plus.
4/1/24
Tongue Twisters
Sheila seldom sells shelled shrimps.
Selfish sharks sell shut shellfish.
How much caramel can a canny cannibal cram in a camel, if a canny cannibal can cram caramel in a camel?
How many times can you say this and 10 seconds?
Jerry chewed two chewy cherries.
And - Or
What is small and yellow and wears a mask?
The Lone Lemon.
What happened when the painter threw his pictures at the outlaw?
The outlaw had an art attack.
When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed?
When he is underhanded.
What do outlaws eat with their milk?
Crookies.
What kind of sweets do outlaws steal?
Hot chocolate.
What do you get if you cross a big bell and an outlaw?
A gongster.
4/3/24
How do you divide the sea in half?
With a sea saw.
How do beetles clean their teeth?
They chew sugar-free buggle gum.
Which wild animal is a hairstylist?
Bullwinkle the Mousse.
What did the little lobster get on its math test?
Sea-plus.
4/1/24
Tongue Twisters
Sheila seldom sells shelled shrimps.
Selfish sharks sell shut shellfish.
How much caramel can a canny cannibal cram in a camel, if a canny cannibal can cram caramel in a camel?
How many times can you say this and 10 seconds?
Jerry chewed two chewy cherries.
And - Or
Kookie cookies.
3 x fast
Camels can't keep carpets and closets clean.
3 x fast
Camels can't keep carpets and closets clean.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - MARCH
3/28/24
What do butterflies become after they graduate from college?
Mothematicians.
What do ants furnish their homes with?
Ant-iques.
What do riverbanks do their homework in?
Their notebrooks.
If the buttercup is yellow, what color is a hiccup?
Burple.
Why don't mountains get cold in winter?
Because they wear snowcaps.
Which flowers are happy to see you?
Glad-iolas.
3/27/24
Why couldn't the three bears get back into their house?
Because it had Goldie locks.
How do you make bears listen?
Take away their B’ and they're all ears
"See that bear rug? That bear was only 6 feet away. It was either him or me."
"Well, the bear certainly makes a better rug…"
"Did you hear about the hunter who had an accident?"
"No, what happened?"
"It seems he saw some tracks. He went to study them closely. That's when the train hit him."
What does a ghost use to go hunting?
A boo and arrow.
3/25/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Summons.
Summons who?
"Summons to watch over me."
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Sup.
Sup who?
Sup to me.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Surly.
Surly who?
Surly in the morning; go back to bed.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Suture.
Suture who?
Suture self.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Swarm.
Swarm who?
Swarm in the summer and cold in the winter.
3/21/24
REPORTER: Doctor, what's the best thing to do when your ear rings?
DOCTOR: Answer it.
DOCTOR: You have a condition called "Updoc."
PATIENT: What's " Updoc"?
DOCTOR: Nothing much. What's up with you?
DOCTOR: About this habit of talking to yourself – it's nothing to worry about.
PATIENT: Well, maybe not, but I'm such an awful bore.
PATIENT: Doctor Doctor, come quickly! I swallowed my fountain pen!
DOCTOR: What are you doing in the meantime?
PATIENT: Using a pencil.
3/20/24
Tongue Twisters
People pay pros for playing.
Peter's plane is plainly painted.
Peter is paid plenty to paint plains.
Mr. Pletcher paints Mrs. Pitcher pictures of peaches.
Is a pleasant peasant’s pheasant present?
3X fast
Pooped purple pelicans.
Pick a purple pocket.
3/18/24
How do cattle defend themselves?
They use cow-a-ti . (karate)
How does a skunk defend itself?
Instinct.
Why did the karate expert wear a black belt?
To keep his pants up.
What tree is a karate champion?
Spruce Lee.
What is small, brown and green, and knows karate?
Bruce Pea.
3/14/24
How do police get rid of mosquitoes?
They call out the SWAT team.
Why did the silly boy take his piggy bank outdoors?
He heard there was going to be a change in the weather.
What should you do if you fall off a bicycle?
Get back on and re-cycle.
What falls on a mountain but never gets hurt?
Snow.
If two snakes marry, what will their towels say?
Hiss and Hers.
3/13/24
Why do bears have fur?
So their underwear won't show.
What kind of soda to Australian bears drink?
Coca-koala.
What does a skunk do before going to school?
Puts on its stinking cap.
TEACHER: Gabby, why are you late for school?
GABBY: I must have over washed.
TEACHER: Why are you late for school?
ARLENE: I couldn't help it. School started before I got here.
3/11/24
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Believing.
Believing who?
Believing if you don't open the door.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking so long my hand hurts.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Ben Hur.
Ben Hur who?
Ben Hur for 10 min. and nobody showed up.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Betty.
Betty who?
Betty gets sore knuckles from all that knocking.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Bess.
Bess who?
Bess of luck.
3/7/24
Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Because it couldn't get a date.
What salad do people prefer when they want privacy?
Lettuce alone.
What did the criminal say when he was saved from the hangman at the last minute?
"No noose is good news."
What's a comedian’s favorite food?
Cream of wit.
3/6/24
When is a pistol like a young horse?
When it's a Colt.
How is a stolen pistol like a racing car?
They're both hot rods.
When is a gun unemployed?
When it is fired.
How come a duck won the shoot-out?
It was a quack shot.
What would happen if an ice cream cone picked a fight with Jesse James?
The ice cream cone would get licked.
What do you call Jesse James when he has the flu?
A sick shooter.
3/4/24
Tongue Twisters
Four fat, flat-footed frogs flapped their floppy flippers.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Five fifers free,
Fifing in the fog,
Phyllis, Fran,
And Phil and Dan
And Philip's funny frog.
Flighty Flo Fisk and frisky Fritz Fisk
Of all the felt I ever felt
I never felt a piece of felt
That felt the same as that felt felt
When I first felt that felt.
2/28/24
Why are you like a shrub after a long hike?
Because your bushed.
What is the worst thing you're likely to find in the camp kitchen?
The food.
How do they count muffins in the camp kitchen?
They have a roll call.
How do you greet a web-footed bird?
"What’s up, duck?”
What is the difference between a football player and a duck?
You’ll find one in a huddle and the other in a puddle.
2/26/24
Why won't a leopard take a bath with you?
It doesn't want to come out spotless.
Why can't a herd of elephants ever get really clean?
Because they can't take off their trunks.
What fluffy bird calls "whoo, whoo” while you dry off?
A hoot towel.
Why does Mom put corncobs in the tub?
So you'll wash behind your ears.
Where do sailors take their baths?
In a tubmarine.
What happened when the rubber ducky fell into the bathtub?
It quacked up.
2/22/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hannah.
Hannah who?
Hannah me some potato chips.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Harlow.
Harlow who?
“Harlow Dolly, well Harlow Dolly.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Harmon.
Harmon who?
“Harmon love with a wonderful guy.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, I’m starving.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Abbot.
Abbot who?
Abbot time we eat, isn’t it?”
2/21/24
POLICE OFFICER: You are charged with having your dog chase a man on a bicycle.
MAN: That's crazy. My dog doesn't even know how to ride a bicycle.
Who brings dogs their presents at Christmas?
Santa Paws.
What kind of dog washes his clothes?
A laundro-mutt.
What has no hair and thinks it's the national dog of the United States?
The bald beagle.
"Did you knit this sweater all by yourself?"
"Yes, all except the whole you put your head through. That was there when I started."
2/19/24
What figures to the most walking?
Roman numerals.
What invention allows people to walk through walls?
Doors.
What goes through water but doesn't get wet?
A ray of light.
When is a horse not a horse?
When it turns into a pasture.
Where do the people of India go for bagels?
To the New Delhi.
2/15/24
Tongue Twisters
Round and round the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran.
Rex wrecks wet rocks.
Robin robs wealthy widows.
Seth’s sharp spacesuit shrank.
“Stay seated Stephanie,” Stephen said.
3x fast
Six small slick seals.
2/14/24
What does a parrot say on the Fourth of July?
"Polly wants a firecracker!”
What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker?
"My pop is bigger than your pop.”
What would you get if you crossed a chicken and a television set?
A TV show that lays eggs.
How can you tell if there is a football team in your bathtub?
It's hard to close the shower curtain.
Would you rather have a 300-pound football player attack you or a 300-pound wrestler?
I'd rather have them attack each other.
What did the football player say when he was hit by lightning?
"Got to glow now!"
2/12/24
What happens when two angels get married?
They live harpily ever after.
Who gets married at a witch's wedding?
The bride and broom.
What do you call two married spiders?
Newly-webs.
What does a duck wear to a wedding?
A duxedo.
Who do pelicans bring with them to weddings?
Their gullfriends.
What does Hamlet eat on his birthday?
Danish.
What do squirrels eat on their birthdays?
Donuts.
2/8/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Habit.
Habit who?
Habit your way.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Haddock.
Haddock who?
Haddock is killing me, got an aspirin?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Thistle.
Thistle who?
Thistle make you feel better.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hammond.
Hammond who?
Hammond cheese on rye, please.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Hank.
Hank who?
Hank E. Chief.
2/7/24
MOTORIST: How far is it to the next town?
FARMER: To miles, as the crow flies.
MOTORIST: How far is it if the crow has to roll a flat tire?
What is Mickey Mouse's favorite car?
A Minnie van.
"This is a magic car," said the man, as he gave his daughter the keys.
"Really?" Said the girl.
"Yes," said the father. "One speeding ticket and it will disappear."
What makes sheep such bad drivers?
They make too many ewe turns.
What driver never gets a ticket?
A screwdriver.
"Do you know I can read bumper stickers on cars going 55 miles an hour?"
"No kidding."
"Yeah, I took a speed-reading course."
Why do mummies have high blood pressure?
Because they're so wound up.
DR.: The best time to take this medicine is just before retiring.
PATIENT: You mean I don't have to take it until I'm 65 years old?
PATIENT: I hear you are the greatest expert in the world at curing baldness. If you cure me, I'll give you anything you ask.
DR. (after examining the patient): I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I can't grow anymore hair on your head. Now for the good news: I can shrink your head to fit the hair you’ve got.
PATIENT: My hair is coming out pretty fast. Can you give me something to keep it in?
DR.: Sure. Here's an empty box.
DR.: You've been my patient for 10 years, Mr. Johnson. What makes you think I wouldn’t recognize you?
MR. JOHNSON: Because I'm not myself today.
2/1/24
Tongue Twisters
The queen coined quick clipped quips.
Quakes cause cracks.
Quincy! Quack quietly or quit quacking.
Remove the raw rice. Once the raw rice is removed, roast the white rice.
Reed rode in the red wagon when he went to Reagan’s.
Reed’s road was rough, so Reed refused a return ride in the red wagon.
Rival river runners rode the wild river.
3x fast
Quick kiss.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - JANUARY
Limericks
There was a young girl in Havana
Who slipped on a skin of banana
Away went her feet,
And she took a seat
In a very unladylike manner.
A fellow who lived in New Guinea
Was known as a silly young ninny.
He utterly lacked
Good judgment and tact,
And as for clean socks – hadn't any!
A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, "Kindly note
My mama was a goat
And I'm made out of curds, by the whey."
1/29/24
KNOCK - KNOCK
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Taint.
Taint who?
Taint over till it’s over.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Taiwan.
Taiwan who?
Taiwan to be happy.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Tally.
Tally who?
What are you, a fox hunter?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara is another day.
1/25/24
What do hairdressers do at the end of their lives?
They curl up and dye.
What you call an attack by a bunch of wigs?
A hair raid.
Was the man wearing his toupee in the wrong place?
Yes, they pulled the rug out from under him.
How does a wig introduce itself?
“Hair I am!”
PATIENT: Doctor, I just swallowed a bone!
DOCTOR: Are you choking?
PATIENT: No, I'm serious.
1/24/24
What do you have when your head is hot, your foot is cold, and you see spots before your eyes?
A polka-dot sock over your head.
Why did the golfer change his socks?
He had a hole-in-one.
Why did the belt get arrested?
It held up a pair of pants.
What does a germ call his very small robe?
A microbe.
How do birds exercise before they go to bed?
They do worm-ups.
1/22/24
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Saint.
Saint who?
"Saint necessarily so."
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Sam.
Sam who?
Sam person who just knocked, silly!
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Samantha.
Samantha who?
Samantha fix the T.V.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Sanitize.
Sanitize who?
Sanitize his reindeer to a sled.
1/18/24
Why is it easier to count cows than sheep?
You can use a cowculator.
What would you get if you crossed a sheep and a monkey?
A baa-boon.
What do sheep do when they go out on a date at night?
A little star-grazing.
What do lambs do if they can't fly?
Go by spacesheep.
1/17/24
What runs but never gets out of breath?
Water.
What goes through water but doesn’t get wet?
A ray of light.
How do you open the Great Lakes?
With the Florida Keys.
Why are there bridges over water?
So people won’t step on the fishes.
Where is a lake deepest?
On the bottom.
What does one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
1/15/24
"I'd like to talk with your mother, young man. Is she engaged?"
"Engaged? She's married."
FATHER: What is the meaning of all these Ds and Fs on your report card?
CHARLIE: That means I'm Doing Fine.
MOTHER: You know, you're not supposed to eat peas with your knife.
JUNIOR: I know, but my fork leaks.
MOTHER: You look pretty dirty, Son.
SON: Gee, Mom, I thought I looked better clean.
"Your big sister is spoiled, isn't she?"
"No, that's just the perfume she's wearing."
1/11/24
What is the noisiest planet?
Saturn, because it has so many rings.
What do you call an astronaut who is afraid of heights?
A failure.
Why was the astronaut wrong when he landed on the moon and reported there was no life there?
There was – with him on it.
What did the astronaut get when the rocket fell on his foot?
Mistletoe.
Why did the astronaut lie on the bed before he blasted off?
He wanted to countdown.
1/10/24
Why can't you tell pigs your secrets?
They squeal.
How do hogs haul their garbage?
In pig-up trucks.
What do you call a pig in the middle of the highway?
A road hog.
Why aren't frogs allowed at baseball games?
They eat all the fly balls.
How does Zorro protect himself from sharks?
With a swordfish.
1/8/24
Knock – knock
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Thor.
Thor who?
Thor from head to toe.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Thumb.
Thumb who?
"Thumb enchanted evening."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
"Dishes a lovely way to spend an evening."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tibet.
Tibet who?
You want Tibet?
1/4/24
What did the parrot say when it wanted a frog?
"Polly wants a croaker."
What did the parakeet say when it was hungry?
"Long time no seed."
"What is your hobby?"
"I race pigeons."
"Oh! Have you ever beaten any?"
MOTHER PIGEON: I''s time you learned to fly. Either you learn or I'll tie a rope to you and tow you.
YOUNG PIGEON: No, no, not that. I don't want to be pigeon-towed!
1/3/24
CUSTOMER: Hey, waiter! What kind of pie did you bring me? Are you sure this is apple pie?
WAITER: What does it taste like?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
WAITER: Then what difference does it make?
WAITER: I have boiled tongue, fried liver, and pig's feet.
CUSTOMER: I'm not interested in your medical problems. Just bring me a cheese sandwich and a coffee.
CUSTOMER: Waiter, do you have frog's legs?
WAITER: Yes, sir.
CUSTOMER: Then why don't you hop into the kitchen and get me a doughnut and coffee?
CUSTOMER: What's the difference between the blue-plate special and the white-plate special?
WAITER: The white plate is ten cents extra.
CUSTOMER: Is the food any better?
WAITER: No, but we wash the dishes.
1/1/24
Tongue Twisters
Bill blows big blimpy bubbles.
When Bill's big, blimpy bubbles burst, Bill began to blubber.
Bill was a big blimpy baby.
A bachelor botched a batch of badly baked biscuits.
Did the bachelor botch a batch of badly baked biscuits?
If the bachelor botched a batch of badly baked biscuits,
Where are the badly baked biscuits the bachelor botched?
3X fast
Betty Block blows big black bubbles.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - DECEMBER
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Saint.
Saint who?
"Saint necessarily so."
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Sam.
Sam who?
Sam person who just knocked, silly!
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Samantha.
Samantha who?
Samantha fix the T.V.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Sanitize.
Sanitize who?
Sanitize his reindeer to a sled.
1/18/24
Why is it easier to count cows than sheep?
You can use a cowculator.
What would you get if you crossed a sheep and a monkey?
A baa-boon.
What do sheep do when they go out on a date at night?
A little star-grazing.
What do lambs do if they can't fly?
Go by spacesheep.
1/17/24
What runs but never gets out of breath?
Water.
What goes through water but doesn’t get wet?
A ray of light.
How do you open the Great Lakes?
With the Florida Keys.
Why are there bridges over water?
So people won’t step on the fishes.
Where is a lake deepest?
On the bottom.
What does one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
1/15/24
"I'd like to talk with your mother, young man. Is she engaged?"
"Engaged? She's married."
FATHER: What is the meaning of all these Ds and Fs on your report card?
CHARLIE: That means I'm Doing Fine.
MOTHER: You know, you're not supposed to eat peas with your knife.
JUNIOR: I know, but my fork leaks.
MOTHER: You look pretty dirty, Son.
SON: Gee, Mom, I thought I looked better clean.
"Your big sister is spoiled, isn't she?"
"No, that's just the perfume she's wearing."
1/11/24
What is the noisiest planet?
Saturn, because it has so many rings.
What do you call an astronaut who is afraid of heights?
A failure.
Why was the astronaut wrong when he landed on the moon and reported there was no life there?
There was – with him on it.
What did the astronaut get when the rocket fell on his foot?
Mistletoe.
Why did the astronaut lie on the bed before he blasted off?
He wanted to countdown.
1/10/24
Why can't you tell pigs your secrets?
They squeal.
How do hogs haul their garbage?
In pig-up trucks.
What do you call a pig in the middle of the highway?
A road hog.
Why aren't frogs allowed at baseball games?
They eat all the fly balls.
How does Zorro protect himself from sharks?
With a swordfish.
1/8/24
Knock – knock
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Thor.
Thor who?
Thor from head to toe.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Thumb.
Thumb who?
"Thumb enchanted evening."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
"Dishes a lovely way to spend an evening."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tibet.
Tibet who?
You want Tibet?
1/4/24
What did the parrot say when it wanted a frog?
"Polly wants a croaker."
What did the parakeet say when it was hungry?
"Long time no seed."
"What is your hobby?"
"I race pigeons."
"Oh! Have you ever beaten any?"
MOTHER PIGEON: I''s time you learned to fly. Either you learn or I'll tie a rope to you and tow you.
YOUNG PIGEON: No, no, not that. I don't want to be pigeon-towed!
1/3/24
CUSTOMER: Hey, waiter! What kind of pie did you bring me? Are you sure this is apple pie?
WAITER: What does it taste like?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
WAITER: Then what difference does it make?
WAITER: I have boiled tongue, fried liver, and pig's feet.
CUSTOMER: I'm not interested in your medical problems. Just bring me a cheese sandwich and a coffee.
CUSTOMER: Waiter, do you have frog's legs?
WAITER: Yes, sir.
CUSTOMER: Then why don't you hop into the kitchen and get me a doughnut and coffee?
CUSTOMER: What's the difference between the blue-plate special and the white-plate special?
WAITER: The white plate is ten cents extra.
CUSTOMER: Is the food any better?
WAITER: No, but we wash the dishes.
1/1/24
Tongue Twisters
Bill blows big blimpy bubbles.
When Bill's big, blimpy bubbles burst, Bill began to blubber.
Bill was a big blimpy baby.
A bachelor botched a batch of badly baked biscuits.
Did the bachelor botch a batch of badly baked biscuits?
If the bachelor botched a batch of badly baked biscuits,
Where are the badly baked biscuits the bachelor botched?
3X fast
Betty Block blows big black bubbles.
12/28/23
What ghost haunts a clock?
The spirit of the times.
How does a witch tell time?
With a witch-watch.
How does a werewolf file its claws?
Under the letter C.
Mr. Monster awoke at half past twelve in a really terrible temper. "Where's my supper?" he yelled at his wife. "Where are my chains? Where's my poison? And where are my –"
"Now, hold on," Mrs. Monster said. "Can't you see I only have three hands?"
Why did the monster name both his sons Ed?
Because to Eds are better than one.
12/27/23
BUCK: I went to a hotel for a change and a rest.
CHUCK: Did you get it?
BUCK: No, the bellboy got the change and the hotel got the rest.
"I stopped at a very exclusive hotel."
"How exclusive was it?"
"It was so exclusive that room service had an unlisted number."
"Hello, front desk."
"How much do you charge for room?"
"Our rates start at $350 a day."
"You take children?"
"No, sir, only cash and credit cards."
12/25/23
KNOCK - KNOCK
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Carrier.
Carrier who?
Carrier over the threshold.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Cashew.
Cashew who?
Cashew goofing off again and you're fired.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Cashews.
Cashews who?
Cashews don't fit and my feet are killing me.
12/21/23
What should you tell your favorite gym teacher?
"This class is a ball!"
Why was the moth afraid to give and oral book report?
It had butterflies in the stomach.
What's do you call a kitten that borrows your homework?
A copy cat.
What should you tell your favorite geology teacher?
"This class rocks!"
What should you tell your favorite math teacher?
"You're number one!"
12/20/23
A man drove 2000 miles with his family without knowing he had a flat tire. How come?
It was his spare tire that was flat.
What is the laziest part of a car?
The wheels – they are always tired.
What did one car say to the other car?
"Well, strip my gears and call me shiftless!"
What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler?
"Boy, I'm exhausted!"
What did the jack say to the car?
"Can I give you a lift?"
What has cities without houses, rivers without water, and forests without trees?
A roadmap.
12/18/23
Tongue Twisters
Paul, please pause for proper applause.
A peck of pesky pixies.
Painters - Planters – Pointers
Pop bottles pop-bottles
in pop shops;
The pop-bottles Pop bottles
poor Pop drops.
When Pop drops pop-bottles,
pop-bottles plop;
When pop-bottles topple,
Pop mops slop.
12/14/23
What kind of TV program is shown early in the morning?
A breakfast serial.
What is the favorite meal of a shipbuilder?
Launch-time.
If two shirt collars had a race, who would win?
Neither. It would end in a tie.
Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up the pants.
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas.
What does a computer call its mother and father?
Mama and Data.
12/13/23
DRIVER (on cell phone): Help! My car is stuck in quicksand!
INSURANCE AGENT: Don't get excited!
DRIVER: Why not?
INSURANCE AGENT: Because your car will be completely covered.
What car breathes fire?
A station dragon.
What car does an electrician drive?
A Voltswagen.
What vehicle does a hog drive?
A pig-up truck.
What do you call pigs that drive trucks?
Squeals on wheels.
12/11/23
Knock - Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Darren.
Darren who?
"Darren young man on the flying trapeze."
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Datsun.
"Datsun who?"
"Datsun will come out tomorrow."
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Icon.
Icon who?
"Icon see clearly now the rain has gone."
12/7/23
What kind of toy does the Godfather play with in the tub?
A thug-boat.
When can't you take a bath on an airplane?
When the No Soaking sign is on.
Why did Silly Billy put ice cubes in his father's tub?
Because he likes cold pop.
How many rubber duckies can you fit into an empty tub?
One. After that, the tub isn't empty.
What do bumblebees put in the bathtub first?
Their bee-hinds.
What would you be if a shark was in your bathtub?
Chicken of the sea.
Why are prisoners in jail the slowest talkers in the world?
They can spend twenty-five years on a single sentence.
How is an escaping prisoner like an airline pilot?
Both want safe flights.
Why was the picture sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
What did the police do in the shoe store?
Rounded up the sneakers and the loafers.
What kind of bars won't keep a prisoner in jail?
Chocolate bars.
What kind of party do prisoners like best?
A going-away party.
12/4/23
Tongue Twisters
Abbie’s Aunt Annie isn't answering Abbie’s Aunt Amy.
Angels hang ancient anchors at angles that anger ogers.
All artists aren't artful.
There are artful artists and awful artists.
Although there are a lots of awesome artful artists, annoying awful artists occur more often.
11/29/23
Tongue Twisters
3X Fast
Stanley Steele still thinks someone stole his smooth steel slingshot.
Sally Stiller saddled six sorrel stallions.
Silly Sally’s slick saddle seldom seemed soft. Still, Sally sat side saddle and slowly sidled off.
Slick silk.
11/27/23
What was the Olympic athlete’s problem?
Slipped discus.
What problem do you get from eating too much?
You get thick to your stomach.
NIP: How did you break your leg?
TUCK: See that hole over there?
NIP: Yes.
TUCK: Well, I didn't.
VISITOR: My friend was run over by a steamroller and he's in the hospital. What room is he in?
NURSE: Room 105, 106, 107, and 108.
11/23/23
What Beatles song did the octopus sing in the shower?
"I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand.
What do fathers sing in the shower?
Pop.
What do goblins sing in the shower?
Rhythm and boos.
What does a mummy sing in the shower?
Wrap.
11/22/23
Knock- Knock
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Sanity.
Sanity who?
Sanity Claus.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Ali.
Ali who?
"Ali want for Christmas are my two front teeth."
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sarah extra key? I lost mine.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Sarong.
Sarong who?
Sarong number; dial again.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Duet.
Duet who?
Duet right.
11/20/23
What famous fish wears a red, white, and blue hat?
Uncle Salmon.
Who do fish get to clean their rooms?
Mermaids.
What are the strongest shellfish in the ocean?
Muscles.
Where do fish wash themselves?
In bass-tubs.
11/16/23
What would you get if you crossed a parrot and a bumblebee?
An animal that talks all the time about how busy it is.
What would you get if you crossed a parrot and a canary?
A bird that knows both the words and the music.
What did the scientist get when he crossed a cat and a parrot?
A purr-a-keet.
What does it mean when a barometer falls?
That whoever nailed it up didn't do a good job.
What would you get if you crossed the Invisible Man and a cow?
Vanishing cream.
11/15/23
Tongue Twisters
What ghost haunts a clock?
The spirit of the times.
How does a witch tell time?
With a witch-watch.
How does a werewolf file its claws?
Under the letter C.
Mr. Monster awoke at half past twelve in a really terrible temper. "Where's my supper?" he yelled at his wife. "Where are my chains? Where's my poison? And where are my –"
"Now, hold on," Mrs. Monster said. "Can't you see I only have three hands?"
Why did the monster name both his sons Ed?
Because to Eds are better than one.
12/27/23
BUCK: I went to a hotel for a change and a rest.
CHUCK: Did you get it?
BUCK: No, the bellboy got the change and the hotel got the rest.
"I stopped at a very exclusive hotel."
"How exclusive was it?"
"It was so exclusive that room service had an unlisted number."
"Hello, front desk."
"How much do you charge for room?"
"Our rates start at $350 a day."
"You take children?"
"No, sir, only cash and credit cards."
12/25/23
KNOCK - KNOCK
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Carrier.
Carrier who?
Carrier over the threshold.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Cashew.
Cashew who?
Cashew goofing off again and you're fired.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Cashews.
Cashews who?
Cashews don't fit and my feet are killing me.
12/21/23
What should you tell your favorite gym teacher?
"This class is a ball!"
Why was the moth afraid to give and oral book report?
It had butterflies in the stomach.
What's do you call a kitten that borrows your homework?
A copy cat.
What should you tell your favorite geology teacher?
"This class rocks!"
What should you tell your favorite math teacher?
"You're number one!"
12/20/23
A man drove 2000 miles with his family without knowing he had a flat tire. How come?
It was his spare tire that was flat.
What is the laziest part of a car?
The wheels – they are always tired.
What did one car say to the other car?
"Well, strip my gears and call me shiftless!"
What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler?
"Boy, I'm exhausted!"
What did the jack say to the car?
"Can I give you a lift?"
What has cities without houses, rivers without water, and forests without trees?
A roadmap.
12/18/23
Tongue Twisters
Paul, please pause for proper applause.
A peck of pesky pixies.
Painters - Planters – Pointers
Pop bottles pop-bottles
in pop shops;
The pop-bottles Pop bottles
poor Pop drops.
When Pop drops pop-bottles,
pop-bottles plop;
When pop-bottles topple,
Pop mops slop.
12/14/23
What kind of TV program is shown early in the morning?
A breakfast serial.
What is the favorite meal of a shipbuilder?
Launch-time.
If two shirt collars had a race, who would win?
Neither. It would end in a tie.
Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up the pants.
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas.
What does a computer call its mother and father?
Mama and Data.
12/13/23
DRIVER (on cell phone): Help! My car is stuck in quicksand!
INSURANCE AGENT: Don't get excited!
DRIVER: Why not?
INSURANCE AGENT: Because your car will be completely covered.
What car breathes fire?
A station dragon.
What car does an electrician drive?
A Voltswagen.
What vehicle does a hog drive?
A pig-up truck.
What do you call pigs that drive trucks?
Squeals on wheels.
12/11/23
Knock - Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Darren.
Darren who?
"Darren young man on the flying trapeze."
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Datsun.
"Datsun who?"
"Datsun will come out tomorrow."
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Icon.
Icon who?
"Icon see clearly now the rain has gone."
12/7/23
What kind of toy does the Godfather play with in the tub?
A thug-boat.
When can't you take a bath on an airplane?
When the No Soaking sign is on.
Why did Silly Billy put ice cubes in his father's tub?
Because he likes cold pop.
How many rubber duckies can you fit into an empty tub?
One. After that, the tub isn't empty.
What do bumblebees put in the bathtub first?
Their bee-hinds.
What would you be if a shark was in your bathtub?
Chicken of the sea.
Why are prisoners in jail the slowest talkers in the world?
They can spend twenty-five years on a single sentence.
How is an escaping prisoner like an airline pilot?
Both want safe flights.
Why was the picture sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
What did the police do in the shoe store?
Rounded up the sneakers and the loafers.
What kind of bars won't keep a prisoner in jail?
Chocolate bars.
What kind of party do prisoners like best?
A going-away party.
12/4/23
Tongue Twisters
Abbie’s Aunt Annie isn't answering Abbie’s Aunt Amy.
Angels hang ancient anchors at angles that anger ogers.
All artists aren't artful.
There are artful artists and awful artists.
Although there are a lots of awesome artful artists, annoying awful artists occur more often.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - NOVEMBER
Tongue Twisters
3X Fast
Stanley Steele still thinks someone stole his smooth steel slingshot.
Sally Stiller saddled six sorrel stallions.
Silly Sally’s slick saddle seldom seemed soft. Still, Sally sat side saddle and slowly sidled off.
Slick silk.
11/27/23
What was the Olympic athlete’s problem?
Slipped discus.
What problem do you get from eating too much?
You get thick to your stomach.
NIP: How did you break your leg?
TUCK: See that hole over there?
NIP: Yes.
TUCK: Well, I didn't.
VISITOR: My friend was run over by a steamroller and he's in the hospital. What room is he in?
NURSE: Room 105, 106, 107, and 108.
What Beatles song did the octopus sing in the shower?
"I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand.
What do fathers sing in the shower?
Pop.
What do goblins sing in the shower?
Rhythm and boos.
What does a mummy sing in the shower?
Wrap.
11/22/23
Knock- Knock
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Sanity.
Sanity who?
Sanity Claus.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Ali.
Ali who?
"Ali want for Christmas are my two front teeth."
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sarah extra key? I lost mine.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Sarong.
Sarong who?
Sarong number; dial again.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Duet.
Duet who?
Duet right.
11/20/23
What famous fish wears a red, white, and blue hat?
Uncle Salmon.
Who do fish get to clean their rooms?
Mermaids.
What are the strongest shellfish in the ocean?
Muscles.
Where do fish wash themselves?
In bass-tubs.
11/16/23
What would you get if you crossed a parrot and a bumblebee?
An animal that talks all the time about how busy it is.
What would you get if you crossed a parrot and a canary?
A bird that knows both the words and the music.
What did the scientist get when he crossed a cat and a parrot?
A purr-a-keet.
What does it mean when a barometer falls?
That whoever nailed it up didn't do a good job.
What would you get if you crossed the Invisible Man and a cow?
Vanishing cream.
11/15/23
Tongue Twisters
3X Fast
For French shrimp, try a French shrimp shop.
Fat flat frozen flounders.
Fresh figs.
Frank freed Fred’s fast frog.
11/13/23
Limerick Time
There was an old woman of Thrace
Who's nose spread all over her face.
She got very few kisses;
The reason for this is
There wasn't a suitable place.
There was a young girl from Bryn Mawr
Who carried politeness too far.
"Don't look now," she said,
With a tilt of her head,
"But someone is stealing your car!"
There was a young girl in the choir
Whose voice went up higher and higher.
It reached such a height,
It was clear out of sight;
And they found it next day in the spire.
11/9/23
How do dogs dance in Oz?
On their tippy Totos.
How do you make a strawberry swirl?
Send it to ballet school.
What dance do opticians attend?
The eye ball.
What's big, gray, sloppy, and goes "Hoppity, BOOM, hoppity, BOOM, hoppity, BOOM"?
The Easter Elephant.
Do barbers like to dance?
No, they just like to cut in.
11/8/23
Knock- Knock
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
X.
X who?
X me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Xavier.
Xavier who?
Xavier money for a rainy day.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Thomas.
Thomas who?
Thomas money.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Xylophone.
Xylophone who?
Xylophone and call me.
11/1/23
Tongue Twisters
Ted Blake's back break-block broke a bearing.
Did Ted Blake’s back brake-block break a bearing?
If Ted Blake's back brake-block broke a bearing,
Where's the bearing Ted Blake’s back brake-block broke?
A big black bat flew past.
A big brown bat flew past.
Did the big black bat fly past faster than the big brown bat flew past?
Aiken Bacon was baking bacon.
The bacon he was bakin’ was bought in Macon.
So he was makin’ baked Macon bacon.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - SEPTEMBER
For French shrimp, try a French shrimp shop.
Fat flat frozen flounders.
Fresh figs.
Frank freed Fred’s fast frog.
11/13/23
Limerick Time
There was an old woman of Thrace
Who's nose spread all over her face.
She got very few kisses;
The reason for this is
There wasn't a suitable place.
There was a young girl from Bryn Mawr
Who carried politeness too far.
"Don't look now," she said,
With a tilt of her head,
"But someone is stealing your car!"
There was a young girl in the choir
Whose voice went up higher and higher.
It reached such a height,
It was clear out of sight;
And they found it next day in the spire.
11/9/23
How do dogs dance in Oz?
On their tippy Totos.
How do you make a strawberry swirl?
Send it to ballet school.
What dance do opticians attend?
The eye ball.
What's big, gray, sloppy, and goes "Hoppity, BOOM, hoppity, BOOM, hoppity, BOOM"?
The Easter Elephant.
Do barbers like to dance?
No, they just like to cut in.
11/8/23
Knock- Knock
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
X.
X who?
X me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Xavier.
Xavier who?
Xavier money for a rainy day.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Thomas.
Thomas who?
Thomas money.
Knock - knock.
Who's there?
Xylophone.
Xylophone who?
Xylophone and call me.
11/6/23
What did Dorothy say while taking a bubble bath in Oz?
"There's no place like foam."
How did Robinson Crusoe survive after his boat sank?
He used a bar of soap and washed himself ashore.
Who does Clark Kent turn into when he takes a shower?
Soaperman.
Why did Cinderella's tub overflow?
Her rubber ducky turned into a pumpkin.
He combed the town.
Why did the sheriff go to the barbecue?
He heard it was a place to have a steak out.
Why did the outlaw hold up the bakery?
He needed the dough.
What has red bumps and is the fastest gun in the West?
Rootin’ Tootin’ Raspbury.
What is small, purple, and dangerous?
A grape with a six-shooter.
What is green and dangerous?
A thundering herd of pickles.
What did Dorothy say while taking a bubble bath in Oz?
"There's no place like foam."
How did Robinson Crusoe survive after his boat sank?
He used a bar of soap and washed himself ashore.
Who does Clark Kent turn into when he takes a shower?
Soaperman.
Why did Cinderella's tub overflow?
Her rubber ducky turned into a pumpkin.
11/2/23
How did the sheriff find the missing barber?He combed the town.
Why did the sheriff go to the barbecue?
He heard it was a place to have a steak out.
Why did the outlaw hold up the bakery?
He needed the dough.
What has red bumps and is the fastest gun in the West?
Rootin’ Tootin’ Raspbury.
What is small, purple, and dangerous?
A grape with a six-shooter.
What is green and dangerous?
A thundering herd of pickles.
11/1/23
Tongue Twisters
Ted Blake's back break-block broke a bearing.
Did Ted Blake’s back brake-block break a bearing?
If Ted Blake's back brake-block broke a bearing,
Where's the bearing Ted Blake’s back brake-block broke?
A big black bat flew past.
A big brown bat flew past.
Did the big black bat fly past faster than the big brown bat flew past?
Aiken Bacon was baking bacon.
The bacon he was bakin’ was bought in Macon.
So he was makin’ baked Macon bacon.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - OCTOBER
SORRY ABOUT MY OCTOBER POSTS. I WAS NOT PHYSICALLY ABLE TO DO THEM.
9/28/23
Tongue Twisters
3x Fast
Fifteen filthy flying foxes.
A fine field of wheat.
A fish-sauce shop’s sure to sell fresh fish sauce.
A factory fractured the fragile flask.
Flawless porcelain flasks.
Fran the fish fresh fish food.
9/27/23
Why did Little Audrey tiptoe past the campers?
She didn't want to wake the sleeping bags.
What happened when the silly camper bought a sleeping bag?
He spent three weeks trying to wake it up.
How can you tell if there is an elephant in your sleeping bag?
By the smell of peanuts on his breath.
How do you make a bed roll?
Push it down a hill.
Why did the little boy put a frog in his sisters sleeping bag?
Because he couldn't find a snake.
9/25/23
Knock-Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Russell.
Russell who?
Russell me up something to eat.
Tongue Twisters
3x Fast
Fifteen filthy flying foxes.
A fine field of wheat.
A fish-sauce shop’s sure to sell fresh fish sauce.
A factory fractured the fragile flask.
Flawless porcelain flasks.
Fran the fish fresh fish food.
9/27/23
Why did Little Audrey tiptoe past the campers?
She didn't want to wake the sleeping bags.
What happened when the silly camper bought a sleeping bag?
He spent three weeks trying to wake it up.
How can you tell if there is an elephant in your sleeping bag?
By the smell of peanuts on his breath.
How do you make a bed roll?
Push it down a hill.
Why did the little boy put a frog in his sisters sleeping bag?
Because he couldn't find a snake.
9/25/23
Knock-Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Russell.
Russell who?
Russell me up something to eat.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Jamaica.
Jamaica who?
Jamaica dinner? I'm starving.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Russia.
Russia who?
Russia large pizza to this address.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Pasta.
Pasta who?
Pasta salt, please.
9/21/23
What do you call an X that just got out of the bathtub?
A clean X.
What happened when Mickey Mouse fell into the bathtub?
He came out squeaky clean.
What would you say to a skunk that fell into your tub?
"Stink or swim!"
What happened to the skunk that fell into the bathtub?
It stank all the way to the bottom.
If a skunk sprayed you, would you wash it off in the tub?
Let's soap for the best.
9/20/23
Do truck drivers have tough jobs?
Yes, they have many bumps on the road.
Why did the truck driver’s wife divorce him?
He drove her up the wall.
When does a truck driver stop to eat?
When it comes to a fork in the road.
What was the tow truck doing at the race track?
Trying to pull a fast one.
How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
Use the rear defrogger.
9/18/23
"The way you dress will never go out of style."
"Why, thank you."
"It will look just as terrible ten years from now."
"I just came from the beauty parlor."
"What's the matter, weren't they open?"
"You shouldn't make fun of my looks. All human beings are made in the same mold."
"Yes, but some are moldier than others."
"I'd like to find a dress to match my eyes."
"Sorry, we don't carry bloodshot dresses."
"I didn't come here to be insulted."
"Oh? Where do you usually go?
9/14/23
What's the difference between a boxer and a person with a cold?
A boxer knows his blows; a person with a cold blows his nose.
What's the difference between a hill and a pill?
A hill is hard to get up; a pill is hard to get down.
What's the difference between a sick sailor and a blind man?
One can't go to see; the other can't see to go.
DOCTOR: Do you know you have 60,000 miles of blood vessels in your body?
PATIENT: No wonder I have tired blood.
A gift-wrapped Martian.
Where do Martians go swimming?
In the galaxies (galax-seas).
What do little astronauts get when they do their homework?
Gold stars.
Why did the scientist pinch the waitress?
He wanted to see some flying saucers.
What would you get if you crossed a galaxy and a toad?
Star Warts.
9/11/23
Knock - Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee nice and open the door.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew. Honeydew who?
Honeydew you love me?
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Hoosier.
Hoosier who?
"Hoosier afraid of the big, bad wolf?"
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Hoosier.
Hoosier who?
Hoosier favorite person in the whole world?
9/7/23
WAITER: I recommend this dish. It's been our specialty for years.
CUSTOMER: Well, bring me something you haven't had for so long.
What type of writing does a waiter use?
Menu-script.
CUSTOMER: This stake you bought me is rare. I said "well done."
WAITRESS: Thank you sir, I don't get many compliments.
CUSTOMER: You call this beef noodle soup your special? I can't find any beef or noodles in it.
WAITER: That's what makes it so special.
What did the teddy bear say after dining out?
"I'm stuffed."
Where does a turtle go to eat out?
A slow-food restaurant.
9/6/23
What's the healthiest type of water?
Well water.
What means of transportation gives people colds?
Achoo-choo train.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor a way, what will an onion do?
Keep everyone away.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
It felt crummy.
What would you call a small wound?
A shortcut.
If you don't feel well, what do you probably have?
Gloves on your hands.
What did Captain Hook do when he lost his hand?
He went to the second-hand shop.
9/4/23
Tongue Twisters
Of all the smells I ever smelt,
I never smelt a smell that smelt
Like that smell I smelt smelled.
A selfish shellfish smelt a stale fish.
If that stale fish was a smelt,
Then the selfish shellfish smelt a smelt.
Should a shad selling shrimps for a shark,
Cease to shuck the shamed shrimps,
who remark,
"Serve us not without dressing!
"Tis really distressing."
Or should he just shuck the shrimps in the dark?
*(I don’t know about that last one. It doesn’t make much sense to me. Maybe I'm just in the dark about shark. lol)
3x Fast
No shark shares swordfish steak.
Steffie strained stew through the soup strainer.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - AUGUST
8/31/23
A Time For Insults
"Would you like to travel to unknown places?"
"Yes, I would."
"Fine, go get lost."
"People say you're so conceded, you write letters to yourself."
"Dear me!"
"Yes – that's how they begin."
The next time you get a toupee, get one with brains.
"What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"
"Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time."
"Have you told your little boy not to go around imitating me?"
"Yes, I have. I told him not to act like an idiot."
You're all wrapped up in yourself – and you make a pretty small package.
You think you're a big tease – but you only smell like one.
"You should put a sign on your head."
"What kind of sign?"
"VACANT."
"She's so stuck up. She thinks she's so much better than me."
"Why, that conceded, good-for-nothing moron! You're certainly every bit as good as she is!"
8/30/23
Tongue Twisters
The prince pinched the princess, so the princess pinched the prince.
Matt batted, Patty putted and Pepe punted.
Then Patty batted, Pepe putted, and Matt punted.
Then Pepe batted, Matt putted, and Patty punted.
When platters shatter, scatter.
They splatter matter.
3x fast
Pale pink plumage.
Pretty poor peace prospects.
8/28/23
Tongue Twisters
A skunk sat on a stump.
The skunk thunk the stump stunk.
But the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Shawn shaves a short cedar shingle thin.
Should Shawn shave a short, thin,
single cedar shingle thin,
or shave a short, thin,
single, cedar shingle thinner?
I had an old saw,
And I bought a new saw.
I took the handle off the old saw
And put it on the new saw.
And all of the saws
I ever saw,
I never saw a saw saw
Like that new saw sawed.
3 X fast
Sad skunk.
8/24/23
What do astronauts do when they get dirty?
They take a meteor shower.
How do Martians drink their tea?
From flying saucers.
What do you call a person who is crazy about going into space?
An astro-nut.
What do Martians do in space when they get thirsty?
They drink from the Big Dipper.
How do you arrange for a trip to Mars?
You planet (plan it).
How'd you get to the Planet of the Apes?
By banana boat.
What do astronauts do when they get angry?
They blast off.
Why do astronauts wear bulletproof vests?
To protect themselves against shooting stars.
8/23/23
Knock –Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Odessa.
Odessa who?
Odessa awful thing to say.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Odor.
Odor who?
"Odor sun shines bright on pretty redwing."
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Odyssey.
Odyssey who?
Odyssey the movie I saw last night.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Ohio.
Ohio who?
Ohio miss you tonight.
8/21/23
How do grizzlies try on shoes?
Bearfoot.
What shoes should you buy when your basement is flooded?
Pumps.
What did the shoe say to the foot?
"You're putting me on!"
Where do sailors return damaged masts?
To the sails clerk.
What kind of pens to skunks buy?
Ones with indelible stink.
What kind of sneakers do birds buy?
Ones with vel-crow.
8/17/23
What's gray on the inside and brown on the outside?
A chocolate covered dinosaur.
What dinosaur coughs the most?
The bronchitis.
Who saw the stegosaurus enter the restaurant?
The diners saw.
Why is a dinosaur healthier than a dragon?
Because a dinosaur doesn't smoke.
What's a tired kangaroo?
Out of bounds.
What would you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
8/16/23
Name ten African animals in three seconds?
Nine elephants and a giraffe.
Why do elephants get jobs at the ballpark?
Because they work for peanuts.
PATIENT: Can a person be in love with an elephant?
PSYCHIATRIST: Impossible!
PATIENT: Do you know anyone who wants to buy a very large engagement ring?
How much does a psychiatrist charge an elephant?
A hundred dollars for the visit and a thousand dollars for the couch.
Why do elephants lie down?
Because they can't lie up.
8/14/23
Tongue Twisters
Are there auks in the Arctic, or aren't there auks in the Arctic?
And if there are auks in the Arctic, are they auctioning arks?
Abe and Babe will grab a grub from Greg.
Will Abe and Babe grab a grub from Greg?
If Abe and Babe will grab a grub from Greg, where's the grub from Greg Abe and Babe will grab?
3X fast
Al's ally is in the alley.
All Al's sly allies lie.
Aunt Edith's ant eater ate Aunt Edith's ants.
Never ever offer awful Arthur alfalfa.
8/10/23
Why were the clothespins arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants.
Why were the tennis players arrested?
Because they had racquets.
Why were the pair of old watches arrested?
Because they were two-timers.
Why were the walls arrested?
Because they're holding up the ceiling.
Why was the stale loaf of bread arrested?
It tried to get fresh.
Why was the deck of cards arrested?
The joker was wild.
Why is it dangerous to play cards in the jungle?
Because of all the cheetahs.
8/9/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Frieda.
Frieda who?
Frieda cold and starve a fever.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Gorilla.
Gorilla who?
Gorilla my dreams!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Grover.
Grover who?
Grover to the fridge and get me a soda.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Kansas.
Kansas who?
Kansas better than bottles for soda.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Gruel.
Gruel who?
“Gruel days, gruel days, dear old golden gruel days.?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Gull.
Gull who?
“Gull of my dreams.”
8/7/23
Patient: Doc, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Don’t go back to those places.
Patient: Doctor, I keep seeing double!
Doctor: Please, have a seat on the couch.
Patient: Which one?
The traffic was backed up even more than usual and people were getting out of their cars to find out what was up. Dave strolled up to the motorist ahead of him and asked what was going on.
“Apparently, some nut hijacked a bus load of lawyers and is holding them for ransom. He says he wants $10,000 or he’ll douse the bus with gasoline and set it on fire. These guys with the buckets are taking up a collection.”
“Oh really?” Dave said with concern. “How much is everyone giving?”
The motorist replied, “About a gallon.”
A fellow goes into a bakery known for fashioning custom-made cakes. He says, “I’d like to have a cake made in the shape of the letter S.”
The baker says he can do it but at a premium. The fellow tells the baker not to worry price is no object. The baker advises the fellow that he’ll need about four hours.
The customer returns at the appointed time and the baker unveils the S shaped cake, one in a beautiful block letter. The customer is upset, though. He says, "I want it to look fancier. Can't you make it in cursive script?"
The baker says, "Absolutely. Give me another three hours."
The fellow returned a few hours later and the baker shows him a beautifully designed cake in the shape of a scripted S, outlined in red and green frosting. The fellow is still upset. "It looks too much like Christmas. Can you make that frosting yellow?"
The baker says, "Sure. Come back in half an hour."
The fellow comes back once again, the baker shows him the cake, and it finally meets with his approval. As the baker starts to put it in the box, the fellow says, "don't do that. I'm gonna eat it here.
Who's there?
Jamaica.
Jamaica who?
Jamaica dinner? I'm starving.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Russia.
Russia who?
Russia large pizza to this address.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Pasta.
Pasta who?
Pasta salt, please.
9/21/23
What do you call an X that just got out of the bathtub?
A clean X.
What happened when Mickey Mouse fell into the bathtub?
He came out squeaky clean.
What would you say to a skunk that fell into your tub?
"Stink or swim!"
What happened to the skunk that fell into the bathtub?
It stank all the way to the bottom.
If a skunk sprayed you, would you wash it off in the tub?
Let's soap for the best.
9/20/23
Do truck drivers have tough jobs?
Yes, they have many bumps on the road.
Why did the truck driver’s wife divorce him?
He drove her up the wall.
When does a truck driver stop to eat?
When it comes to a fork in the road.
What was the tow truck doing at the race track?
Trying to pull a fast one.
How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
Use the rear defrogger.
9/18/23
"The way you dress will never go out of style."
"Why, thank you."
"It will look just as terrible ten years from now."
"I just came from the beauty parlor."
"What's the matter, weren't they open?"
"You shouldn't make fun of my looks. All human beings are made in the same mold."
"Yes, but some are moldier than others."
"I'd like to find a dress to match my eyes."
"Sorry, we don't carry bloodshot dresses."
"I didn't come here to be insulted."
"Oh? Where do you usually go?
9/14/23
What's the difference between a boxer and a person with a cold?
A boxer knows his blows; a person with a cold blows his nose.
What's the difference between a hill and a pill?
A hill is hard to get up; a pill is hard to get down.
What's the difference between a sick sailor and a blind man?
One can't go to see; the other can't see to go.
DOCTOR: Do you know you have 60,000 miles of blood vessels in your body?
PATIENT: No wonder I have tired blood.
9/13/23
What is covered with ribbons and bows and comes from outer space? A gift-wrapped Martian.
Where do Martians go swimming?
In the galaxies (galax-seas).
What do little astronauts get when they do their homework?
Gold stars.
Why did the scientist pinch the waitress?
He wanted to see some flying saucers.
What would you get if you crossed a galaxy and a toad?
Star Warts.
9/11/23
Knock - Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee nice and open the door.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew. Honeydew who?
Honeydew you love me?
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Hoosier.
Hoosier who?
"Hoosier afraid of the big, bad wolf?"
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Hoosier.
Hoosier who?
Hoosier favorite person in the whole world?
9/7/23
WAITER: I recommend this dish. It's been our specialty for years.
CUSTOMER: Well, bring me something you haven't had for so long.
What type of writing does a waiter use?
Menu-script.
CUSTOMER: This stake you bought me is rare. I said "well done."
WAITRESS: Thank you sir, I don't get many compliments.
CUSTOMER: You call this beef noodle soup your special? I can't find any beef or noodles in it.
WAITER: That's what makes it so special.
What did the teddy bear say after dining out?
"I'm stuffed."
Where does a turtle go to eat out?
A slow-food restaurant.
9/6/23
What's the healthiest type of water?
Well water.
What means of transportation gives people colds?
Achoo-choo train.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor a way, what will an onion do?
Keep everyone away.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
It felt crummy.
What would you call a small wound?
A shortcut.
If you don't feel well, what do you probably have?
Gloves on your hands.
What did Captain Hook do when he lost his hand?
He went to the second-hand shop.
9/4/23
Tongue Twisters
Of all the smells I ever smelt,
I never smelt a smell that smelt
Like that smell I smelt smelled.
A selfish shellfish smelt a stale fish.
If that stale fish was a smelt,
Then the selfish shellfish smelt a smelt.
Should a shad selling shrimps for a shark,
Cease to shuck the shamed shrimps,
who remark,
"Serve us not without dressing!
"Tis really distressing."
Or should he just shuck the shrimps in the dark?
*(I don’t know about that last one. It doesn’t make much sense to me. Maybe I'm just in the dark about shark. lol)
3x Fast
No shark shares swordfish steak.
Steffie strained stew through the soup strainer.
8/31/23
A Time For Insults
"Would you like to travel to unknown places?"
"Yes, I would."
"Fine, go get lost."
"People say you're so conceded, you write letters to yourself."
"Dear me!"
"Yes – that's how they begin."
The next time you get a toupee, get one with brains.
"What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"
"Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time."
"Have you told your little boy not to go around imitating me?"
"Yes, I have. I told him not to act like an idiot."
You're all wrapped up in yourself – and you make a pretty small package.
You think you're a big tease – but you only smell like one.
"You should put a sign on your head."
"What kind of sign?"
"VACANT."
"She's so stuck up. She thinks she's so much better than me."
"Why, that conceded, good-for-nothing moron! You're certainly every bit as good as she is!"
8/30/23
Tongue Twisters
The prince pinched the princess, so the princess pinched the prince.
Matt batted, Patty putted and Pepe punted.
Then Patty batted, Pepe putted, and Matt punted.
Then Pepe batted, Matt putted, and Patty punted.
When platters shatter, scatter.
They splatter matter.
3x fast
Pale pink plumage.
Pretty poor peace prospects.
8/28/23
Tongue Twisters
A skunk sat on a stump.
The skunk thunk the stump stunk.
But the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Shawn shaves a short cedar shingle thin.
Should Shawn shave a short, thin,
single cedar shingle thin,
or shave a short, thin,
single, cedar shingle thinner?
I had an old saw,
And I bought a new saw.
I took the handle off the old saw
And put it on the new saw.
And all of the saws
I ever saw,
I never saw a saw saw
Like that new saw sawed.
3 X fast
Sad skunk.
8/24/23
What do astronauts do when they get dirty?
They take a meteor shower.
How do Martians drink their tea?
From flying saucers.
What do you call a person who is crazy about going into space?
An astro-nut.
What do Martians do in space when they get thirsty?
They drink from the Big Dipper.
How do you arrange for a trip to Mars?
You planet (plan it).
How'd you get to the Planet of the Apes?
By banana boat.
What do astronauts do when they get angry?
They blast off.
Why do astronauts wear bulletproof vests?
To protect themselves against shooting stars.
8/23/23
Knock –Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Odessa.
Odessa who?
Odessa awful thing to say.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Odor.
Odor who?
"Odor sun shines bright on pretty redwing."
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Odyssey.
Odyssey who?
Odyssey the movie I saw last night.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Ohio.
Ohio who?
Ohio miss you tonight.
How do grizzlies try on shoes?
Bearfoot.
What shoes should you buy when your basement is flooded?
Pumps.
What did the shoe say to the foot?
"You're putting me on!"
Where do sailors return damaged masts?
To the sails clerk.
What kind of pens to skunks buy?
Ones with indelible stink.
What kind of sneakers do birds buy?
Ones with vel-crow.
8/17/23
What's gray on the inside and brown on the outside?
A chocolate covered dinosaur.
What dinosaur coughs the most?
The bronchitis.
Who saw the stegosaurus enter the restaurant?
The diners saw.
Why is a dinosaur healthier than a dragon?
Because a dinosaur doesn't smoke.
What's a tired kangaroo?
Out of bounds.
What would you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
8/16/23
Name ten African animals in three seconds?
Nine elephants and a giraffe.
Why do elephants get jobs at the ballpark?
Because they work for peanuts.
PATIENT: Can a person be in love with an elephant?
PSYCHIATRIST: Impossible!
PATIENT: Do you know anyone who wants to buy a very large engagement ring?
How much does a psychiatrist charge an elephant?
A hundred dollars for the visit and a thousand dollars for the couch.
Why do elephants lie down?
Because they can't lie up.
8/14/23
Tongue Twisters
Are there auks in the Arctic, or aren't there auks in the Arctic?
And if there are auks in the Arctic, are they auctioning arks?
Abe and Babe will grab a grub from Greg.
Will Abe and Babe grab a grub from Greg?
If Abe and Babe will grab a grub from Greg, where's the grub from Greg Abe and Babe will grab?
3X fast
Al's ally is in the alley.
All Al's sly allies lie.
Aunt Edith's ant eater ate Aunt Edith's ants.
Never ever offer awful Arthur alfalfa.
8/10/23
Why were the clothespins arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants.
Why were the tennis players arrested?
Because they had racquets.
Why were the pair of old watches arrested?
Because they were two-timers.
Why were the walls arrested?
Because they're holding up the ceiling.
Why was the stale loaf of bread arrested?
It tried to get fresh.
Why was the deck of cards arrested?
The joker was wild.
Why is it dangerous to play cards in the jungle?
Because of all the cheetahs.
8/9/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Frieda.
Frieda who?
Frieda cold and starve a fever.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Gorilla.
Gorilla who?
Gorilla my dreams!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Grover.
Grover who?
Grover to the fridge and get me a soda.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Kansas.
Kansas who?
Kansas better than bottles for soda.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Gruel.
Gruel who?
“Gruel days, gruel days, dear old golden gruel days.?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Gull.
Gull who?
“Gull of my dreams.”
Patient: Doc, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Don’t go back to those places.
Patient: Doctor, I keep seeing double!
Doctor: Please, have a seat on the couch.
Patient: Which one?
The traffic was backed up even more than usual and people were getting out of their cars to find out what was up. Dave strolled up to the motorist ahead of him and asked what was going on.
“Apparently, some nut hijacked a bus load of lawyers and is holding them for ransom. He says he wants $10,000 or he’ll douse the bus with gasoline and set it on fire. These guys with the buckets are taking up a collection.”
“Oh really?” Dave said with concern. “How much is everyone giving?”
The motorist replied, “About a gallon.”
A fellow goes into a bakery known for fashioning custom-made cakes. He says, “I’d like to have a cake made in the shape of the letter S.”
The baker says he can do it but at a premium. The fellow tells the baker not to worry price is no object. The baker advises the fellow that he’ll need about four hours.
The customer returns at the appointed time and the baker unveils the S shaped cake, one in a beautiful block letter. The customer is upset, though. He says, "I want it to look fancier. Can't you make it in cursive script?"
The baker says, "Absolutely. Give me another three hours."
The fellow returned a few hours later and the baker shows him a beautifully designed cake in the shape of a scripted S, outlined in red and green frosting. The fellow is still upset. "It looks too much like Christmas. Can you make that frosting yellow?"
The baker says, "Sure. Come back in half an hour."
The fellow comes back once again, the baker shows him the cake, and it finally meets with his approval. As the baker starts to put it in the box, the fellow says, "don't do that. I'm gonna eat it here.
8/3/23
A Rodney Dangerfield quote: "I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot."
Mark Twain once said, "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
The boss is in the middle of interviewing a managerial candidate and decides it's time for a character check. He says to the guy, "Let's assume that you go to my house and my wife invites you in, but tells you that I won't be home for another few hours. What do you do?"
The job applicant thinks for a moment and says, "Would you mind showing me a picture of her?"
A Milton Berle quote: “We owe a lot to Thomas Edison- if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.”
8/2/23
What kind of arguments to dogs like at dinner?
Table scraps.
What two dogs are opposites?
Hot dogs and chili dogs.
What does a dog do that a person steps in?
Pants.
If every dog has his day, what does a dog with a broken tail have?
A weekend.
But did my neat trousers but need to be kneed, I then should have need of your needles indeed.
Nicholas noticed a nick on Nicolette's necklace.
How many times can you say this and 10 seconds?
No one knows Wayne.
7/24/23
How do you make an elephant sandwich?
First, get a very large loaf of bread…
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you're a chicken.
How do you know that chickens love money?
They're always going, "Buck-buck! Buck-buck!"
What to dogs put on their pizza?
Mutts-arella.
What has bread on both sides and frightens easily?
A chicken sandwich.
What do ants put on their pizza?
Ant-chovies.
7/20/23
Knock-Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Don.
Don who?
"Don cry for me, Argentina."
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Donahue.
Donahue who?
Donahue you let me.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Donkey.
Donkey who?
Donkey-ote.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Donna.
Donna who?
"Donna let the stars get in your eyes."
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
The doorbell repair man.
7/19/23
What's the best snack to eat in a swamp?
Marshmallows.
What do zookeepers eat for snacks?
Animal crackers.
What do photographers eat for snacks?
"Cheese!" sticks.
What do fathers eat for snacks?
Popcorn.
What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hey, bud, what time do you open?"
A Rodney Dangerfield quote: "I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot."
Mark Twain once said, "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
The boss is in the middle of interviewing a managerial candidate and decides it's time for a character check. He says to the guy, "Let's assume that you go to my house and my wife invites you in, but tells you that I won't be home for another few hours. What do you do?"
The job applicant thinks for a moment and says, "Would you mind showing me a picture of her?"
A Milton Berle quote: “We owe a lot to Thomas Edison- if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.”
8/2/23
What kind of arguments to dogs like at dinner?
Table scraps.
What two dogs are opposites?
Hot dogs and chili dogs.
What does a dog do that a person steps in?
Pants.
If every dog has his day, what does a dog with a broken tail have?
A weekend.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - JULY
7/27/23
What's the difference between a cow with a sore throat and an angry crowd?
One moos badly, the other boos madly.
What's the difference between ammonia and pneumonia?
Ammonia comes in bottles; pneumonia comes in chests.
What's the difference between a photocopying machine and a virus?
One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.
What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops; the other stops the nose.
What's the difference between a dress maker and a nurse?
One cuts the dresses; the other dresses the cuts.
I need not your needles, they're needless to me, for the needing of needles is needless, you see. What's the difference between a cow with a sore throat and an angry crowd?
One moos badly, the other boos madly.
What's the difference between ammonia and pneumonia?
Ammonia comes in bottles; pneumonia comes in chests.
What's the difference between a photocopying machine and a virus?
One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.
What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops; the other stops the nose.
What's the difference between a dress maker and a nurse?
One cuts the dresses; the other dresses the cuts.
7/26/23
But did my neat trousers but need to be kneed, I then should have need of your needles indeed.
Nicholas noticed a nick on Nicolette's necklace.
How many times can you say this and 10 seconds?
No one knows Wayne.
7/24/23
How do you make an elephant sandwich?
First, get a very large loaf of bread…
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you're a chicken.
How do you know that chickens love money?
They're always going, "Buck-buck! Buck-buck!"
What to dogs put on their pizza?
Mutts-arella.
What has bread on both sides and frightens easily?
A chicken sandwich.
What do ants put on their pizza?
Ant-chovies.
7/20/23
Knock-Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Don.
Don who?
"Don cry for me, Argentina."
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Donahue.
Donahue who?
Donahue you let me.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Donkey.
Donkey who?
Donkey-ote.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Donna.
Donna who?
"Donna let the stars get in your eyes."
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
The doorbell repair man.
7/19/23
What's the best snack to eat in a swamp?
Marshmallows.
What do zookeepers eat for snacks?
Animal crackers.
What do photographers eat for snacks?
"Cheese!" sticks.
What do fathers eat for snacks?
Popcorn.
What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hey, bud, what time do you open?"
What did the flower say to the bee?
"Buzz off."
When does a B come after U?
When you disturb the hive.
Why don't bees have leisure time?
They're always buzzy.
Why did the bee join a rock band?
To be the lead stinger.
What do bees say on warm days?
"Swarm, isn't it?"
What do you call a store owned by a bee?
A buzziness.
How do bees brush their hair?
With honeycombs.
"Terrible! It's so bad they can't give out doggie bags because it would be cruelty to animals."
DINER #1: I've heard that scientists say we are what we eat.
DINER #2: Oh, let's order something rich!
"Why did you give that hat check girl a five dollar tip?"
"Look at the great looking hat she gave me!"
"Why are you so upset?"
"I saw a sign in the restaurant that said ‘Watch your coat and hat,’ so I did and someone stole my dinner."
CUSTOMER: Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
WAITER: That's no surprise, we have branches everywhere.
7/13/23
A Time for Insults
If they're not talking about you, you're not listening.
You have an even disposition – always rotten.
"Only fools make absolute statements."
"Are you sure of that?"
"Absolutely!"
"Before I do anything, I stopped to think."
"The trouble is, you always forget to start again."
"Am I boring you?"
"No, just wake me when you're finished."
My house is located near a lake. Drop in some time.
7/12/23
Why is travel by boat the cheapest way of getting around?
Because boats run on water.
When does a boat show affection?
When it hugs the shore.
What vegetable is dangerous to have in a boat?
A leek. (leak)
What would you get if you crossed a lake in a boat that had a leak in it?
About halfway.
What happens when you hike across a stream and a river?
Your feet get wet.
7/10/23
How do lobsters get to the airport?
By taxi crab.
What insect can tell time?
A clockroach.
Why don't ants smell?
They wear deodor-ant.
What goes buzz, buzz, buzz, plop?
A bee laughing its head off.
What do honeybees use to check out flowers?
Bee-noculars.
7/6/23
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Adele.
Adele who?
Adele is where the farmer lives.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Adios.
Adios who?
Adios me some money.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Agatha.
Agatha who?
Agatha blues when it rains.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Fletcher.
Fletcher who?
Fletcher smile be your umbrella.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home so I came over.
7/5/23
What do Canary’s say on Halloween?
"Twick or tweet."
What loses its head every morning but gets it back at night?
A pillow.
Why are rabbits underpaid?
Because they'll always work for a little celery.
What do you call a riot in the post office?
A stampede.
What comes out at night and goes "Flap! Flap! Chomp! Ouch!"?
A vampire with a sore tooth.
If a plumber works hard all day, what kind of dreams does he have at night?
Pipe dreams.
7/3/23
Tongue Twisters
Oliver Oglethorpe ogled an owl and oyster.
Did Oliver Oglethorpe ogle an owl and oyster?
If Oliver Oglethorpe ogled an owl and oyster, where's the owl and oyster Oliver Oglethorpe ogled?
The owner of the Inside Inn
Was outside his Inside Inn
ith his inside outside his Inside Inn
3X fast
Old oily corks.
"Under the mother otter," uttered the other otter.
Awful old Ollie oils oily autos.
6/29/23
What do you call a cranberry that eats another cranberry?
A crannibal.
What are unhappy cranberries called?
Blueberries.
What do you call a banana that's been stepped on?
A banana splat.
How did the peach feel after it was eaten?
Pit-iful.
What side dish does a miner eat?
Coal slaw.
PEANUT: Would you go out with me?
CASHEW: Are you nuts?
Here’s a perverted proverb:
A bird in the hand is not good table manners.
6/28/23
TODAY WE DO INSULTS!
"It seems to me I've seen your face somewhere before."
"How odd."
"Yes, it certainly is."
"I suppose you think I'm a perfect idiot."
"No, no one is perfect."
"I have an idea."
"Your luck is improving."
No one can fool you – you're too ignorant.
Use tact – fathead!
What you lack in intelligence, you make up for in stupidity.
"Did you fill in that blank yet?"
"What blank?"
"The one between your ears."
"I'm sorry I lost my head."
"Well, don't worry about it. You still have the other one."
"Can you tell when someone is lying?"
"Yes, usually."
"Well, allow me to say it's been a pleasure meeting you."
"When I was young, my mother used to say that if I made ugly faces, my face would stay that way forever."
"She was right."
6/26/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Effervescent.
Effervescent who?
Effervescent for you, I’d be done already.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Eiffel.
Eiffel who?
Eiffel good. I knew I would.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Eliza.
Eliza who?
Eliza lot, so watch your step.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Ellen.
Ellen who?
Ellen you a dollar, but pay me back.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Emerson.
Emerson who?
Emerson nice shoes you have on.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Butternut.
Butternut who?
Butternut let me in, I have mud on my shoes.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Emile.
Emile who?
Emile fit for a king.
6/22/23
Tongue Twisters
Blue beads on a blue rattle rattle blue beads.
Bright bloom the blossoms on the brook’s bare brown banks.
Biff Brown bluffed and blustered.
Brad brought Barney’s bright brass bike back.
Both bowlers bought blue bowling balls, but both bowled better with black bowling balls.
The bleak breeze blights the brightly blooming blossom.
3X Fast
Bulb-bowls.
Bob's blue blobs.
6/21/23
Why did the tire need a vacation?
It couldn't take the pressure anymore.
Why did the three little pigs go on vacation?
Because their father was a boar.
Why isn't the moon a good place to go on vacation?
It lacks atmosphere.
Where do zombies go on vacation?
Club Dead.
Where does Lassie go on vacation?
Collie-fornia.
They never want to log off.
Where do snowmen put their websites?
On the Winternet.
Why did the computer sneeze?
It had a virus.
What do you call a grandmother who designs programs?
A computer programma.
What's a carpenter's favorite computer icon?
The toolbar.
What do computer programmers do on the weekends?
Go for disk drives.
6/15/23
What weighs 12,000 pounds and is covered with a special sauce?
A Big MacElephant.
What's convenient and weighs two tons?
An elephant six-pack.
Why don't elephants tip bellhops?
They like to carry their own trunks.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they can't carry all of their stuff in their makeup case.
What would you get if you put 100 pounds of peanuts in an elephant’s cage?
A happy elephant.
6/14/23
Limericks
There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, "It hurts as I feared! –
Four larks and a wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard."
There was a young lady of Troy
Whom several large flies did annoy.
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump
And some she took with her to Troy.
The chin it was meant to give trouble,
Either pimples or dimples or stubble,
Though some have the gall
To grow not at all,
While others come triple and double.
There once was a girl of New York
Whose body was lighter than cork.
She had to be fed
For six weeks upon lead
Before she went out for a walk
6/12/23
Knock-Knock
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Datsun.
Datsun who?
Datsun of mine is spoiled.
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Deep Ends.
Deep Ends who?
"All Deep Ends on you."
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Defeat, defense and detail.
Defeat, defense and detail who?
Defeat of the dog jumped over the defense before detail.
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Delaware.
Delaware who?
Delaware your new dress to the party.
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Dakar.
Dakar who?
Dakar is broken, I had to walk.
"Buzz off."
When does a B come after U?
When you disturb the hive.
Why don't bees have leisure time?
They're always buzzy.
Why did the bee join a rock band?
To be the lead stinger.
What do bees say on warm days?
"Swarm, isn't it?"
What do you call a store owned by a bee?
A buzziness.
How do bees brush their hair?
With honeycombs.
7/17/23
"How was that new restaurant you ate in?""Terrible! It's so bad they can't give out doggie bags because it would be cruelty to animals."
DINER #1: I've heard that scientists say we are what we eat.
DINER #2: Oh, let's order something rich!
"Why did you give that hat check girl a five dollar tip?"
"Look at the great looking hat she gave me!"
"Why are you so upset?"
"I saw a sign in the restaurant that said ‘Watch your coat and hat,’ so I did and someone stole my dinner."
CUSTOMER: Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
WAITER: That's no surprise, we have branches everywhere.
7/13/23
A Time for Insults
If they're not talking about you, you're not listening.
You have an even disposition – always rotten.
"Only fools make absolute statements."
"Are you sure of that?"
"Absolutely!"
"Before I do anything, I stopped to think."
"The trouble is, you always forget to start again."
"Am I boring you?"
"No, just wake me when you're finished."
My house is located near a lake. Drop in some time.
7/12/23
Why is travel by boat the cheapest way of getting around?
Because boats run on water.
When does a boat show affection?
When it hugs the shore.
What vegetable is dangerous to have in a boat?
A leek. (leak)
What would you get if you crossed a lake in a boat that had a leak in it?
About halfway.
What happens when you hike across a stream and a river?
Your feet get wet.
7/10/23
How do lobsters get to the airport?
By taxi crab.
What insect can tell time?
A clockroach.
Why don't ants smell?
They wear deodor-ant.
What goes buzz, buzz, buzz, plop?
A bee laughing its head off.
What do honeybees use to check out flowers?
Bee-noculars.
7/6/23
Knock – Knock
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Adele.
Adele who?
Adele is where the farmer lives.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Adios.
Adios who?
Adios me some money.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Agatha.
Agatha who?
Agatha blues when it rains.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Fletcher.
Fletcher who?
Fletcher smile be your umbrella.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home so I came over.
7/5/23
What do Canary’s say on Halloween?
"Twick or tweet."
What loses its head every morning but gets it back at night?
A pillow.
Why are rabbits underpaid?
Because they'll always work for a little celery.
What do you call a riot in the post office?
A stampede.
What comes out at night and goes "Flap! Flap! Chomp! Ouch!"?
A vampire with a sore tooth.
If a plumber works hard all day, what kind of dreams does he have at night?
Pipe dreams.
7/3/23
Tongue Twisters
Oliver Oglethorpe ogled an owl and oyster.
Did Oliver Oglethorpe ogle an owl and oyster?
If Oliver Oglethorpe ogled an owl and oyster, where's the owl and oyster Oliver Oglethorpe ogled?
The owner of the Inside Inn
Was outside his Inside Inn
ith his inside outside his Inside Inn
3X fast
Old oily corks.
"Under the mother otter," uttered the other otter.
Awful old Ollie oils oily autos.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - JUNE
6/29/23
What do you call a cranberry that eats another cranberry?
A crannibal.
What are unhappy cranberries called?
Blueberries.
What do you call a banana that's been stepped on?
A banana splat.
How did the peach feel after it was eaten?
Pit-iful.
What side dish does a miner eat?
Coal slaw.
PEANUT: Would you go out with me?
CASHEW: Are you nuts?
Here’s a perverted proverb:
A bird in the hand is not good table manners.
6/28/23
TODAY WE DO INSULTS!
"It seems to me I've seen your face somewhere before."
"How odd."
"Yes, it certainly is."
"I suppose you think I'm a perfect idiot."
"No, no one is perfect."
"I have an idea."
"Your luck is improving."
No one can fool you – you're too ignorant.
Use tact – fathead!
What you lack in intelligence, you make up for in stupidity.
"Did you fill in that blank yet?"
"What blank?"
"The one between your ears."
"I'm sorry I lost my head."
"Well, don't worry about it. You still have the other one."
"Can you tell when someone is lying?"
"Yes, usually."
"Well, allow me to say it's been a pleasure meeting you."
"When I was young, my mother used to say that if I made ugly faces, my face would stay that way forever."
"She was right."
6/26/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Effervescent.
Effervescent who?
Effervescent for you, I’d be done already.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Eiffel.
Eiffel who?
Eiffel good. I knew I would.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Eliza.
Eliza who?
Eliza lot, so watch your step.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Ellen.
Ellen who?
Ellen you a dollar, but pay me back.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Emerson.
Emerson who?
Emerson nice shoes you have on.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Butternut.
Butternut who?
Butternut let me in, I have mud on my shoes.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Emile.
Emile who?
Emile fit for a king.
6/22/23
Tongue Twisters
Blue beads on a blue rattle rattle blue beads.
Bright bloom the blossoms on the brook’s bare brown banks.
Biff Brown bluffed and blustered.
Brad brought Barney’s bright brass bike back.
Both bowlers bought blue bowling balls, but both bowled better with black bowling balls.
The bleak breeze blights the brightly blooming blossom.
3X Fast
Bulb-bowls.
Bob's blue blobs.
6/21/23
Why did the tire need a vacation?
It couldn't take the pressure anymore.
Why did the three little pigs go on vacation?
Because their father was a boar.
Why isn't the moon a good place to go on vacation?
It lacks atmosphere.
Where do zombies go on vacation?
Club Dead.
Where does Lassie go on vacation?
Collie-fornia.
6/19/23
Why do beavers spend so much time on the Internet?They never want to log off.
Where do snowmen put their websites?
On the Winternet.
Why did the computer sneeze?
It had a virus.
What do you call a grandmother who designs programs?
A computer programma.
What's a carpenter's favorite computer icon?
The toolbar.
What do computer programmers do on the weekends?
Go for disk drives.
6/15/23
What weighs 12,000 pounds and is covered with a special sauce?
A Big MacElephant.
What's convenient and weighs two tons?
An elephant six-pack.
Why don't elephants tip bellhops?
They like to carry their own trunks.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they can't carry all of their stuff in their makeup case.
What would you get if you put 100 pounds of peanuts in an elephant’s cage?
A happy elephant.
6/14/23
Limericks
There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, "It hurts as I feared! –
Four larks and a wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard."
There was a young lady of Troy
Whom several large flies did annoy.
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump
And some she took with her to Troy.
The chin it was meant to give trouble,
Either pimples or dimples or stubble,
Though some have the gall
To grow not at all,
While others come triple and double.
There once was a girl of New York
Whose body was lighter than cork.
She had to be fed
For six weeks upon lead
Before she went out for a walk
6/12/23
Knock-Knock
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Datsun.
Datsun who?
Datsun of mine is spoiled.
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Deep Ends.
Deep Ends who?
"All Deep Ends on you."
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Defeat, defense and detail.
Defeat, defense and detail who?
Defeat of the dog jumped over the defense before detail.
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Delaware.
Delaware who?
Delaware your new dress to the party.
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Dakar.
Dakar who?
Dakar is broken, I had to walk.
6/8/23
Where did the Seahorse live?
In the barn-acle.
What do you say to someone who falls off his surfboard because he's showing off?
"Surf’s you right!"
How do boaters start the race?
They say, "Ready, set – row!"
Gladys went swimming. She saw a big shark, but she wasn't afraid.
Why not?
Because it was a man-eating shark.
What is worse than seeing a shark’s fins?
Seeing its tonsils.
What to sharks call swimmers?
Dinner.
6/7/23
Why did Silly Billy take a shower?
Because the bathtub was too heavy.
Why did the police officer pack a bar of soap?
The city had a high grime rate.
What's the best dessert to eat in the shower?
Sponge cake.
What kind of cake makes you gag?
A cake of soap.
Where do rabbits go for a shampoo?
To a hare-dresser.
6/5/23
Tongue Twisters
If you cross a cross across a cross,
Or cross a stick across a stick,
Or cross a stick across a cross,
Or cross a cross across a stick,
Or stick a cross across a cross,
Or stick a cross across a stick,
Or stick a stick across a cross,
What a waste of time!
Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends.
See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See’s saw before See saw Soar’s seesaw, then See’s saw would not have sawed Soar’s seesaw.
But See saw Soar’s seesaw before Soar saw See’s saw, so See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.
It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore, because See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.
Polly painted a plate of pasta on Peter’s pizza parlor poster.
Peter Piper paid for pepperoni pizza.
If Peter Piper paid for pepperoni pizza,
Then where’s the pepperoni pizza Peter Piper purchased?
5/29/23
How do billboards talk?
In sign language.
How do leopards do their shopping?
From cat-alogs.
Why did the bald man refuse to buy a wig?
He didn’t want toupee.
Why did the rabbit buy a house?
It was tired of the hole thing.
Why did the rabbit get a job at the grocery store?
It wanted a raise in celery.
5/25/23
Knock- Knock
Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going out tonight?
Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Phyllis.
Phyllis who?
Phyllis form out and return it to me.
Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Europa.
Europa who?
Europa steer and I'll watch.
Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Pig.
Pig who?
Pig up your feet when you walk.
5/24/23
What do alligators cook in?
Croc-pots.
Where do bad vegetables go?
To the re-farm-atory.
What do hog students write with?
Pigpens.
Where do hogs keep their money?
In piggy bank's.
Why do frogs have such an easy life?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What should you do with a crude pepperoni?
Give it a pizza your mind.
5/22/23
"My uncle was on a quiz show and won a trip to Australia."
"Did he go?"
"Yes, five years ago. He's been trying to win a trip back ever since."
"My daughter went on a cruise."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she wanted to go."
"My son came to visit me on vacation."
"That's nice. Did you meet him at the airport?"
"No, I've known him all my life."
"Great news, Son! We've saved enough money to go to Disneyland."
"That's great, Dad. When are we going?"
"As soon as we save enough to get back."
What kind of journey can you take without leaving your home?
An ego trip.
5/18/23
Where does the gingerbread man sleep?
Under a cookie sheet.
What weighs two tons, feels cold to the touch, and comes on a stick?
A hippopopsicle.
What clothing does a house wear?
Address.
What do you get when you use soap and water on the stove?
Foam on the range.
5/17/23
Tongue Twisters
Mummies munch much mush;
Monsters munch much mush;
Many mummies and monsters must munch much mush.
Should a sheep shave a short single shingle thin, or shave a short thin single cedar shingle thinner?
(3x Fast)
The Abominable Snowman seeks six thick sticks.
Should a shark share swordfish steak?
5/15/23
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida.
Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why did the goose cross the road?
Because the light was green.
5/11/23
Knock – Knock
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore that.
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Eyewash.
Eyewash who?
"Eyewash you a Merry Christmas."
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Fangs.
Fangs who?
"Fangs for the memories."
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Farm.
Farm who?
Farm me to knowing you to find out.
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Ferry.
Ferry who?
"Ferry tales can come true."
5/10/23
What kind of stories do little horses read in kindergarten?
Ponytails.
Where do religious school students have recess?
On the prayground.
Why do principals always visit math classes?
They're the rulers of the school.
Where do chickens find information for their term papers?
In the hencyclopedia.
What's the best paper to write in a stream?
Your brook report.
How do fish paint in art class?
With watercolors.
What's the most important thing to write on a test?
Your name.
5/8/23
Why did the police arrest the cat?
Because of the kitty litter.
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to turn it and another to overturn.
What's a lawyer's favorite meal?
Brief Stroganoff.
Where do lawyers play tennis?
At the Supreme Court.
POLICEMAN: Your license says you should be wearing glasses. Why aren't you wearing them?
MOTORIST: I have contacts.
POLICEMAN: I don't care who you know. I'm giving you a ticket.
What telephone number does a pig call when it gets into trouble?
Swine one one.
5/4/23
Tongue Twisters
A curious cream-colored cat crept into the crypt and crept out again.
Did the curious cream-colored cat creep into the crypt and creep out again?
If a curious cream-colored cat crept into the crypt and crept out again,
Where's the curious cream-colored cat that crept into the crypt and crept out again?
How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
Chris' craft crashed.
3X Fast
Who checked the charts of the cud-chewing cow?
The commander commanded the commandos.
Chip’s ships sank.
5/3/23
Why don't you go to a tailor and have a fit?
"Whenever I'm in the dumps, I buy new cloths."
"So – that's where you get them!"
Your clothes are so loud, they should come with a volume control.
"When is feeding time at the zoo?"
"One o'clock. If you hurry, you can still get a bite."
"Good-bye."
"You've already said goodbye twice."
"It's always a pleasure to say good-bye to you."
5/1/23
What would you get if you crossed a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
Yam sessions.
What kind of music do you hear when you throw a stone into a lake?
Plunk rock.
What kind of car does a rich rock star drive?
A rock-n-Rolls Royce.
What did the hiker say after being on Safari for one week?
"Safari so good."
What did the hiker yell when he saw the avalanche?
"Here come the Rolling Stones!"
4/27/23
"I know a guy who stole parts from 10 different cars and put them all together."
"What did he get?"
"Twenty years."
"Why did the fishermen destroy his polluted car?"
His Mercury was filled with tuna.
It takes 1000 nuts and bolts to put a car together, but just one nut to scatter it all over the road.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: You were going 70 miles per hour.
SPEEDER: I was only following the signs.
PATROLMAN: That's the number of the highway.
SPEEDER: It is? I'm glad you didn't stop me on I-95.
SPEEDER: I didn't hear your siren.
OFFICER: Of course not. You already passed the sound barrier.
TRAFFIC COP: This is a ticket for speeding.
DRIVER: Oh, thank you. When do I get to use it?
4/26/23
What do you give an elk with indigestion?
Elk-a-Seltzer
What did the farmer use to cure his sick hog?
Oinkment.
WOMAN: Doctor, Doctor, my husband thinks he's a refrigerator!
DOCTOR: If that's his only problem, don't worry about it.
Where did the Seahorse live?
In the barn-acle.
What do you say to someone who falls off his surfboard because he's showing off?
"Surf’s you right!"
How do boaters start the race?
They say, "Ready, set – row!"
Gladys went swimming. She saw a big shark, but she wasn't afraid.
Why not?
Because it was a man-eating shark.
What is worse than seeing a shark’s fins?
Seeing its tonsils.
What to sharks call swimmers?
Dinner.
6/7/23
Why did Silly Billy take a shower?
Because the bathtub was too heavy.
Why did the police officer pack a bar of soap?
The city had a high grime rate.
What's the best dessert to eat in the shower?
Sponge cake.
What kind of cake makes you gag?
A cake of soap.
Where do rabbits go for a shampoo?
To a hare-dresser.
6/5/23
Tongue Twisters
If you cross a cross across a cross,
Or cross a stick across a stick,
Or cross a stick across a cross,
Or cross a cross across a stick,
Or stick a cross across a cross,
Or stick a cross across a stick,
Or stick a stick across a cross,
What a waste of time!
Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends.
See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See’s saw before See saw Soar’s seesaw, then See’s saw would not have sawed Soar’s seesaw.
But See saw Soar’s seesaw before Soar saw See’s saw, so See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.
It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore, because See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.
Polly painted a plate of pasta on Peter’s pizza parlor poster.
Peter Piper paid for pepperoni pizza.
If Peter Piper paid for pepperoni pizza,
Then where’s the pepperoni pizza Peter Piper purchased?
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - MAY
5/31/23
Where do pilots keep their personal things?
In air pockets.
What people travel the most?
Romans.
What people travel the fastest?
Russians.
Why don't people visit Transylvania?
Because it’s a terror-tory.
What egg travels to unknown places?
An eggs-plorer.
How do mice find their way when they travel?
With rod-ent maps.
Where do pilots keep their personal things?
In air pockets.
What people travel the most?
Romans.
What people travel the fastest?
Russians.
Why don't people visit Transylvania?
Because it’s a terror-tory.
What egg travels to unknown places?
An eggs-plorer.
How do mice find their way when they travel?
With rod-ent maps.
How do billboards talk?
In sign language.
How do leopards do their shopping?
From cat-alogs.
Why did the bald man refuse to buy a wig?
He didn’t want toupee.
Why did the rabbit buy a house?
It was tired of the hole thing.
Why did the rabbit get a job at the grocery store?
It wanted a raise in celery.
Knock- Knock
Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going out tonight?
Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Phyllis.
Phyllis who?
Phyllis form out and return it to me.
Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Europa.
Europa who?
Europa steer and I'll watch.
Knock – knock.
Who’s there?
Pig.
Pig who?
Pig up your feet when you walk.
5/24/23
What do alligators cook in?
Croc-pots.
Where do bad vegetables go?
To the re-farm-atory.
What do hog students write with?
Pigpens.
Where do hogs keep their money?
In piggy bank's.
Why do frogs have such an easy life?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What should you do with a crude pepperoni?
Give it a pizza your mind.
5/22/23
"My uncle was on a quiz show and won a trip to Australia."
"Did he go?"
"Yes, five years ago. He's been trying to win a trip back ever since."
"My daughter went on a cruise."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she wanted to go."
"My son came to visit me on vacation."
"That's nice. Did you meet him at the airport?"
"No, I've known him all my life."
"Great news, Son! We've saved enough money to go to Disneyland."
"That's great, Dad. When are we going?"
"As soon as we save enough to get back."
What kind of journey can you take without leaving your home?
An ego trip.
5/18/23
Where does the gingerbread man sleep?
Under a cookie sheet.
What weighs two tons, feels cold to the touch, and comes on a stick?
A hippopopsicle.
What clothing does a house wear?
Address.
What do you get when you use soap and water on the stove?
Foam on the range.
5/17/23
Tongue Twisters
Mummies munch much mush;
Monsters munch much mush;
Many mummies and monsters must munch much mush.
Should a sheep shave a short single shingle thin, or shave a short thin single cedar shingle thinner?
(3x Fast)
The Abominable Snowman seeks six thick sticks.
Should a shark share swordfish steak?
5/15/23
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida.
Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why did the goose cross the road?
Because the light was green.
5/11/23
Knock – Knock
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore that.
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Eyewash.
Eyewash who?
"Eyewash you a Merry Christmas."
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Fangs.
Fangs who?
"Fangs for the memories."
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Farm.
Farm who?
Farm me to knowing you to find out.
Knock – knock.
Who's there?
Ferry.
Ferry who?
"Ferry tales can come true."
5/10/23
What kind of stories do little horses read in kindergarten?
Ponytails.
Where do religious school students have recess?
On the prayground.
Why do principals always visit math classes?
They're the rulers of the school.
Where do chickens find information for their term papers?
In the hencyclopedia.
What's the best paper to write in a stream?
Your brook report.
How do fish paint in art class?
With watercolors.
What's the most important thing to write on a test?
Your name.
Why did the police arrest the cat?
Because of the kitty litter.
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to turn it and another to overturn.
What's a lawyer's favorite meal?
Brief Stroganoff.
Where do lawyers play tennis?
At the Supreme Court.
POLICEMAN: Your license says you should be wearing glasses. Why aren't you wearing them?
MOTORIST: I have contacts.
POLICEMAN: I don't care who you know. I'm giving you a ticket.
What telephone number does a pig call when it gets into trouble?
Swine one one.
5/4/23
Tongue Twisters
A curious cream-colored cat crept into the crypt and crept out again.
Did the curious cream-colored cat creep into the crypt and creep out again?
If a curious cream-colored cat crept into the crypt and crept out again,
Where's the curious cream-colored cat that crept into the crypt and crept out again?
How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
Chris' craft crashed.
3X Fast
Who checked the charts of the cud-chewing cow?
The commander commanded the commandos.
Chip’s ships sank.
5/3/23
Why don't you go to a tailor and have a fit?
"Whenever I'm in the dumps, I buy new cloths."
"So – that's where you get them!"
Your clothes are so loud, they should come with a volume control.
"When is feeding time at the zoo?"
"One o'clock. If you hurry, you can still get a bite."
"Good-bye."
"You've already said goodbye twice."
"It's always a pleasure to say good-bye to you."
5/1/23
What would you get if you crossed a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
Yam sessions.
What kind of music do you hear when you throw a stone into a lake?
Plunk rock.
What kind of car does a rich rock star drive?
A rock-n-Rolls Royce.
What did the hiker say after being on Safari for one week?
"Safari so good."
What did the hiker yell when he saw the avalanche?
"Here come the Rolling Stones!"
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - APRIL
4/27/23
"I know a guy who stole parts from 10 different cars and put them all together."
"What did he get?"
"Twenty years."
"Why did the fishermen destroy his polluted car?"
His Mercury was filled with tuna.
It takes 1000 nuts and bolts to put a car together, but just one nut to scatter it all over the road.
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: You were going 70 miles per hour.
SPEEDER: I was only following the signs.
PATROLMAN: That's the number of the highway.
SPEEDER: It is? I'm glad you didn't stop me on I-95.
SPEEDER: I didn't hear your siren.
OFFICER: Of course not. You already passed the sound barrier.
TRAFFIC COP: This is a ticket for speeding.
DRIVER: Oh, thank you. When do I get to use it?
4/26/23
What do you give an elk with indigestion?
Elk-a-Seltzer
What did the farmer use to cure his sick hog?
Oinkment.
WOMAN: Doctor, Doctor, my husband thinks he's a refrigerator!
DOCTOR: If that's his only problem, don't worry about it.
WOMAN: But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me up all night!
WOMAN: Doctor, Doctor, my husband thinks he's an elevator!
DOCTOR: I'll look at him. Send him up.
WOMAN: I can't. He doesn't stop your floor.
PATIENT: I don't think the pills you gave me are doing me any good.
DOCTOR: Have you been taking them on an empty stomach?
PATIENT: I tried, but they keep rolling off.
4/24/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Psalm.
Psalm who?
"Psalm day my prince will come."
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Fido.
Fido who?
Fido I have to wait out here?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Venus.
Venus who?
Venus you going to open the door?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Fire engine.
Fire engine who?
Fire engine one and prepare for blast off.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Flea.
Flea who?
Flea blind mice.
4/20/23
Why did the chicken see the doctor?
It had people pox.
Why did the banana see the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.
Why did the dog see the doctor?
Because a stitch in time saves canine.
Why did the math book see the doctor?
It had problems.
Why did the outlaw see the doctor?
He was a sick shooter.
PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, every bone in my body hurts!
DOCTOR: Be grateful you're not a sardine!
What animal do you feel like when you have a fever?
A little otter.
What would happen if you swallowed a dress?
You would have a frock in your throat.
PATIENT: The enemy sent a top-secret message, but I was able to read it.
DOCTOR: Top-secret? How did you decipher it?
PATIENT: Easy. I had a code in the head.
4/19/23
When you are trying to tell a story around the campfire, why don't you want goats to be there?
Because they're always butting in.
What do you call a very large moose?
Enor-moose.
What is the hardest thing about learning to ride wild horses?
The ground.
Why are wild horses rich?
They have a million bucks.
What do you call a nervous cow?
Beef jerky.
Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
The cow has the utter one.
What would you get if you crossed a cow and an octopus?
A farm animal that milks itself.
"Are you milking that cow in your new hat?"
"No, I'm using a pail."
Why did the cowboy ride his horse to town?
Because it was too heavy to carry.
4/17/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Vine.
Vine who?
Vine and dandy.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Viola.
Viola who?
Viola fuss, I’m only five minutes late?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Violet.
Violet who?
Violet myself make these jokes, I don’t understand.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Violin.
Violin who?
Violin your neighborhood I thought I’d say hello.
WOMAN: Doctor, Doctor, my husband thinks he's an elevator!
DOCTOR: I'll look at him. Send him up.
WOMAN: I can't. He doesn't stop your floor.
PATIENT: I don't think the pills you gave me are doing me any good.
DOCTOR: Have you been taking them on an empty stomach?
PATIENT: I tried, but they keep rolling off.
4/24/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Psalm.
Psalm who?
"Psalm day my prince will come."
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Fido.
Fido who?
Fido I have to wait out here?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Venus.
Venus who?
Venus you going to open the door?
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Fire engine.
Fire engine who?
Fire engine one and prepare for blast off.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Flea.
Flea who?
Flea blind mice.
4/20/23
Why did the chicken see the doctor?
It had people pox.
Why did the banana see the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.
Why did the dog see the doctor?
Because a stitch in time saves canine.
Why did the math book see the doctor?
It had problems.
Why did the outlaw see the doctor?
He was a sick shooter.
PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, every bone in my body hurts!
DOCTOR: Be grateful you're not a sardine!
What animal do you feel like when you have a fever?
A little otter.
What would happen if you swallowed a dress?
You would have a frock in your throat.
PATIENT: The enemy sent a top-secret message, but I was able to read it.
DOCTOR: Top-secret? How did you decipher it?
PATIENT: Easy. I had a code in the head.
4/19/23
When you are trying to tell a story around the campfire, why don't you want goats to be there?
Because they're always butting in.
What do you call a very large moose?
Enor-moose.
What is the hardest thing about learning to ride wild horses?
The ground.
Why are wild horses rich?
They have a million bucks.
What do you call a nervous cow?
Beef jerky.
Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
The cow has the utter one.
What would you get if you crossed a cow and an octopus?
A farm animal that milks itself.
"Are you milking that cow in your new hat?"
"No, I'm using a pail."
Why did the cowboy ride his horse to town?
Because it was too heavy to carry.
4/17/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Vine.
Vine who?
Vine and dandy.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Viola.
Viola who?
Viola fuss, I’m only five minutes late?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Violet.
Violet who?
Violet myself make these jokes, I don’t understand.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Violin.
Violin who?
Violin your neighborhood I thought I’d say hello.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Viper.
Viper who?
Viper hands, they’re still wet.
4/13/23
Why couldn't the police catch the bathroom burglar?
He stepped on the scales and got a weigh.
What's the perfect cure for dandruff?
Baldness.
Why do dogs giggle?
Because they're tick-lish.
Where should parents-to-be invest their money?
In the stork market.
What is a geologists favorite lullaby?
"Rock-a-bye, Baby."
Where do geologists go to relax?
Rock concerts.
How do you make notes out of stone?
Rearrange the letters.
Who is brown and hairy and fights forest fires?
A suntanned forest ranger who needs a shave.
How do hikers cross a patch of poison ivy?
They itch hike.
How do hikers dress on cold mornings?
Quickly.
Two campers were playing checkers. They played five games and each won the same number of games. How is that possible?
They played different people.
4/12/23
MAN: Have you got something to cure fleas on a dog?
PET SHOP OWNER: I don't know. What's wrong with the fleas?
BARRY: Does your dog have a license?
LARRY: No, I don't let him drive.
"Did you tell me your dog's bark is worse than his bite?"
"Yes, why?"
"Then don't let him bark – he just bit me."
Why do fire trucks have dogs on them?
To find the fire hydrant.
What dog bakes cakes?
Betty Cocker.
What did the skeleton say to the doctor?
"I hope this doesn't cost me an arm and a leg!"
What did the body say to the skeleton?
"I've got you under my skin."
What did the heart say to the liver?
"Let's beat it out of here!"
What did the throat say to the birdwatcher?
"I think I just saw a swallow!"
What did the eye say to the mouth?
"One more word from you and you'll get fifty lashes!"
4/10/23
Tongue Twisters
Does someone know a synonym for cinnamon?
Someone once said that cinnamon has no synonym.
But surely there must be a synonym for cinnamon.
If silly Sally will shilly-shally,
shall silly Willy willy-nilly
shilly-shally, too?
There is a pie in my eye.
Will I cry? Will I die?
Though I'm shy, I won't lie.
It might cause a sty, but I deny that I'll die or cry from the pie in my eye.
3X Fast
It is too chilly, the silly child should soon shut the shutters.
Shouldn't sweet-scented shaving soap soothe sore skin?
Stephen Stanley sees seven stars.
Inconsiderate intruders introduce other inconsiderate intruders.
I'll lie idle on the isle.
Joe's giraffe juggled jelly jars.
Jack's giraffe juggled jam jars.
4/6/23
Knock - Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Ron D.
Ron D. Who?
Ron D. vu.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Rona.
Rona who?
Rona boat is hard work.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Lewis.
Lewis who?
Lewis lips sink ships.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
License.
License who?
I haven't told a license I was ten.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Leon.
Leon who?
Leon me when you're feeling faint.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Les.
Les who?
Les get out of here.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Lettie.
Lettie who?
Lettie cat out of the bag.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce begin.
4/5/23
There once was some learned MDs
Who found a new kind of disease.
They bottled and hawked it,
And then they uncorked it
So thousands could catch it with ease.
Why aren't vampires welcome at the bloodmobile?
Because they only want to make withdrawals.
What gets 25 miles to a gallon of plasma?
A bloodmobile.
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a doctor?
More blood tests than ever.
4/3/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dresden.
Dresden who?
Dresden your Sunday best.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen she look nice.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Duet.
Duet who?
Duet again.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Duluth.
Duluth who?
Duluth tooth will get you a quarter.
3/30/23
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's *** anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while ...
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.
3/29/23
What do frogs do when they play basketball?
They take jump shots.
What is the difference between a basketball player and a tired dog?
The ballplayer wears a uniform, the dog only pants.
What kind of uniform do women basketball players wear?
Hoop skirts.
What do mice where to play basketball?
Squeakers.
What is a psychic's favorite sport?
Crystal ball.
3/27/23
Health Best-Sellers
The Causes of Itching
By Miss Kito Byte
Do You Need Surgery?
By Noah I. L. Waite
The Secrets of Long Life
By Sir Vival
You Can Be Healthy
By Colin D. Head
Healthy Living
By Vida Mynn
Successful Dieting
By Yukon Dewitt & Troy Hodder
3/23/23
Tongue Twisters
Ron won’t run while Wayne runs.
Why won’t Ron run while Wayne runs?
Wayne ruined Ron’s new Reboks.
“Wayne’s to blame,” claims Ron.
Reverend Welch recommended wide record racks.
Rudolf resented Ryan’s relentless rudeness.
Ray’s wife raised rice.
The rice Ray’s wife raised was wild rice.
3x fast
Red wren’s wings.
Real rear wheels.
3/20/23
WACKY SHOPPING BOOKS
Collecting Modern Paintings
By Art X. Ibit
Shopping on the Second Floor
By Ellie Vader
Department Store Courtesy
By May I. Helpyoo
The History of Footwear
By Buck L. Myshoo
Shoplifting: A Serious Problem
By Reed M. S. Wrights
3/16/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Succumb.
Succumb who?
Succumb up to see me some time.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Sue.
Sue who?
Don’t ask me, I’m not a lawyer.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Suede.
Suede who?
“Suede down south in Dixie.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Summer.
Summer who?
Summer chosen, summer not.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Summer.
Summer who?
Summer my best friends go to that school.
3/15/23
"I married a girl who is a twin."
"How can you tell them apart?"
"Her brother has a beard."
DAD: There's something wrong with my toothbrush.
SON: That's funny. It was all right when I used it to oil my bike chain.
DAD: Sonny, why did you let the air out of the tires on your bike?
SONNNY: So I could reach the pedals.
MOTHER: Drink your milk, dear, that makes strong teeth.
COOKIE: Why don't you give some to Grandpa?
TAXI DRIVER: I can't stop this car! I've lost control!
PASSENGER: For heaven sake, turn off the meter!
3/13/23
A time for insults:
"I throw myself into everything I do."
"Why don't you go out and find a deep hole?"
When I look at it, I wonder what Mother Nature had in mind.
"If I had a face like yours, I put it on a wall and throw a brick at it."
"If I had a face like yours, I did put it on a brick and throw a wall at it."
You're so stupid, you think you have to stand on your head to turn things over in your mind.
Why don't you make like a ball and roll a way?
Why don't you take a deep breath – and blow?
I can't figure out what makes you tick, but I think it's a time bomb.
"I always aim to tell the truth."
"Bad shot, are you?
You could go out of your mind and no one would know the difference.
"You must be a terrific bowler."
"How did you know?"
"I could tell by your pinhead."
3/9/23
Tongue Twisters
The perky parrot playfully pecked the pirate’s pate.
A panda playing with paper placed her paw on a piece of parchment and promptly produced a paw print.
Peter Potter splattered a plate of peas on Patty Platt’s pink plaid pants.
Phyllis Bickle spilled Bill Spector’s sack of speckled pickles.
Patty probably purchased plenty pretty party paper.
How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
Penny penned a pretty poem.
3/8/23
Why is a cat on the beach like Christmas?
It has sandy claws. (Santa Claus).
What is heavier in the summer than in the winter?
Traffic to the beach.
What did Cinderella wear when she went to the beach?
Glass flippers.
Where do race cars go swimming?
In the car pool.
Where do phantoms go swimming?
At the sea ghost.
Where do mummies go swimming?
In the Dead Sea.
What game do you play with fish?
Carps and robbers.
3/6/23
How do kangaroos add up their purchases?
With pocket calculators.
What do you call a kangaroo clerk with bad manners?
Kangarude.
Where would you buy thirty-six inches?
At a yard sale.
What does a house buy at the mall?
Address.
Where should you pay your car repair bill?
At a crash register.
What do pigs buy for relaxing in the backyard?
Ham-mocks.
What’s an easy way to double your money?
Look at it in a mirror.
3/2/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Diesel.
Diesel who.
Diesel be over before you know it.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
“Doris nothing like a dame.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dots.
Dots who?
Dots for me to know and you to find out.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doug.
Doug who?
Doug a hole on your doorstep.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
“Doughnut make my brown eyes blue.”
3/1/23
BOY: Mom, Uncle Charlie took me to the zoo this afternoon.
MOTHER: That's nice. Did you have a good time?
BOY: Yes, and one of the animals came in first and paid twenty dollars.
"My brother is in the hospital with spotted fever."
"Is it serious?"
"No, fortunately they spotted it in time."
"Mom, you know that vase that's been handed down from generation to generation?"
"Yes?"
"Well, this generation dropped it."
Why is it hard to be a turtle?
You can't run away from home.
What do you say to a boomerang on its birthday?
"Many happy returns."
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - FEBUARY
Who’s there?
Viper.
Viper who?
Viper hands, they’re still wet.
4/13/23
Why couldn't the police catch the bathroom burglar?
He stepped on the scales and got a weigh.
What's the perfect cure for dandruff?
Baldness.
Why do dogs giggle?
Because they're tick-lish.
Where should parents-to-be invest their money?
In the stork market.
What is a geologists favorite lullaby?
"Rock-a-bye, Baby."
Where do geologists go to relax?
Rock concerts.
How do you make notes out of stone?
Rearrange the letters.
Who is brown and hairy and fights forest fires?
A suntanned forest ranger who needs a shave.
How do hikers cross a patch of poison ivy?
They itch hike.
How do hikers dress on cold mornings?
Quickly.
Two campers were playing checkers. They played five games and each won the same number of games. How is that possible?
They played different people.
4/12/23
MAN: Have you got something to cure fleas on a dog?
PET SHOP OWNER: I don't know. What's wrong with the fleas?
BARRY: Does your dog have a license?
LARRY: No, I don't let him drive.
"Did you tell me your dog's bark is worse than his bite?"
"Yes, why?"
"Then don't let him bark – he just bit me."
Why do fire trucks have dogs on them?
To find the fire hydrant.
What dog bakes cakes?
Betty Cocker.
What did the skeleton say to the doctor?
"I hope this doesn't cost me an arm and a leg!"
What did the body say to the skeleton?
"I've got you under my skin."
What did the heart say to the liver?
"Let's beat it out of here!"
What did the throat say to the birdwatcher?
"I think I just saw a swallow!"
What did the eye say to the mouth?
"One more word from you and you'll get fifty lashes!"
4/10/23
Tongue Twisters
Does someone know a synonym for cinnamon?
Someone once said that cinnamon has no synonym.
But surely there must be a synonym for cinnamon.
If silly Sally will shilly-shally,
shall silly Willy willy-nilly
shilly-shally, too?
There is a pie in my eye.
Will I cry? Will I die?
Though I'm shy, I won't lie.
It might cause a sty, but I deny that I'll die or cry from the pie in my eye.
3X Fast
It is too chilly, the silly child should soon shut the shutters.
Shouldn't sweet-scented shaving soap soothe sore skin?
Stephen Stanley sees seven stars.
Inconsiderate intruders introduce other inconsiderate intruders.
I'll lie idle on the isle.
Joe's giraffe juggled jelly jars.
Jack's giraffe juggled jam jars.
4/6/23
Knock - Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Ron D.
Ron D. Who?
Ron D. vu.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Rona.
Rona who?
Rona boat is hard work.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Lewis.
Lewis who?
Lewis lips sink ships.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
License.
License who?
I haven't told a license I was ten.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Leon.
Leon who?
Leon me when you're feeling faint.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Les.
Les who?
Les get out of here.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Lettie.
Lettie who?
Lettie cat out of the bag.
Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce begin.
4/5/23
There once was some learned MDs
Who found a new kind of disease.
They bottled and hawked it,
And then they uncorked it
So thousands could catch it with ease.
Why aren't vampires welcome at the bloodmobile?
Because they only want to make withdrawals.
What gets 25 miles to a gallon of plasma?
A bloodmobile.
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a doctor?
More blood tests than ever.
4/3/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dresden.
Dresden who?
Dresden your Sunday best.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen she look nice.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Duet.
Duet who?
Duet again.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Duluth.
Duluth who?
Duluth tooth will get you a quarter.
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - MARCH
3/30/23
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's *** anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while ...
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.
3/29/23
What do frogs do when they play basketball?
They take jump shots.
What is the difference between a basketball player and a tired dog?
The ballplayer wears a uniform, the dog only pants.
What kind of uniform do women basketball players wear?
Hoop skirts.
What do mice where to play basketball?
Squeakers.
What is a psychic's favorite sport?
Crystal ball.
3/27/23
Health Best-Sellers
The Causes of Itching
By Miss Kito Byte
Do You Need Surgery?
By Noah I. L. Waite
The Secrets of Long Life
By Sir Vival
You Can Be Healthy
By Colin D. Head
Healthy Living
By Vida Mynn
Successful Dieting
By Yukon Dewitt & Troy Hodder
3/23/23
Tongue Twisters
Ron won’t run while Wayne runs.
Why won’t Ron run while Wayne runs?
Wayne ruined Ron’s new Reboks.
“Wayne’s to blame,” claims Ron.
Reverend Welch recommended wide record racks.
Rudolf resented Ryan’s relentless rudeness.
Ray’s wife raised rice.
The rice Ray’s wife raised was wild rice.
3x fast
Red wren’s wings.
Real rear wheels.
3/22/23
What do you get if a bunch of thieves dives into the swing of pool?
A crime wave.
Why aren't elephants allowed in the swimming pool?
Because they can't keep their trunks up.
What is big and hairy and travels 1,200 miles an hour?
King Kongcorde.
What were the chickens doing in the health club?
Eggs-ercising.
Why can't you play games with pigs?
Because they hog the ball.
When do pigs give their girlfriends presents?
On Valen-swine’s Day.
What do you get if a bunch of thieves dives into the swing of pool?
A crime wave.
Why aren't elephants allowed in the swimming pool?
Because they can't keep their trunks up.
What is big and hairy and travels 1,200 miles an hour?
King Kongcorde.
What were the chickens doing in the health club?
Eggs-ercising.
Why can't you play games with pigs?
Because they hog the ball.
When do pigs give their girlfriends presents?
On Valen-swine’s Day.
3/20/23
WACKY SHOPPING BOOKS
Collecting Modern Paintings
By Art X. Ibit
Shopping on the Second Floor
By Ellie Vader
Department Store Courtesy
By May I. Helpyoo
The History of Footwear
By Buck L. Myshoo
Shoplifting: A Serious Problem
By Reed M. S. Wrights
3/16/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Succumb.
Succumb who?
Succumb up to see me some time.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Sue.
Sue who?
Don’t ask me, I’m not a lawyer.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Suede.
Suede who?
“Suede down south in Dixie.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Summer.
Summer who?
Summer chosen, summer not.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Summer.
Summer who?
Summer my best friends go to that school.
3/15/23
"I married a girl who is a twin."
"How can you tell them apart?"
"Her brother has a beard."
DAD: There's something wrong with my toothbrush.
SON: That's funny. It was all right when I used it to oil my bike chain.
DAD: Sonny, why did you let the air out of the tires on your bike?
SONNNY: So I could reach the pedals.
MOTHER: Drink your milk, dear, that makes strong teeth.
COOKIE: Why don't you give some to Grandpa?
TAXI DRIVER: I can't stop this car! I've lost control!
PASSENGER: For heaven sake, turn off the meter!
3/13/23
A time for insults:
"I throw myself into everything I do."
"Why don't you go out and find a deep hole?"
When I look at it, I wonder what Mother Nature had in mind.
"If I had a face like yours, I put it on a wall and throw a brick at it."
"If I had a face like yours, I did put it on a brick and throw a wall at it."
You're so stupid, you think you have to stand on your head to turn things over in your mind.
Why don't you make like a ball and roll a way?
Why don't you take a deep breath – and blow?
I can't figure out what makes you tick, but I think it's a time bomb.
"I always aim to tell the truth."
"Bad shot, are you?
You could go out of your mind and no one would know the difference.
"You must be a terrific bowler."
"How did you know?"
"I could tell by your pinhead."
3/9/23
Tongue Twisters
The perky parrot playfully pecked the pirate’s pate.
A panda playing with paper placed her paw on a piece of parchment and promptly produced a paw print.
Peter Potter splattered a plate of peas on Patty Platt’s pink plaid pants.
Phyllis Bickle spilled Bill Spector’s sack of speckled pickles.
Patty probably purchased plenty pretty party paper.
How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
Penny penned a pretty poem.
3/8/23
Why is a cat on the beach like Christmas?
It has sandy claws. (Santa Claus).
What is heavier in the summer than in the winter?
Traffic to the beach.
What did Cinderella wear when she went to the beach?
Glass flippers.
Where do race cars go swimming?
In the car pool.
Where do phantoms go swimming?
At the sea ghost.
Where do mummies go swimming?
In the Dead Sea.
What game do you play with fish?
Carps and robbers.
3/6/23
How do kangaroos add up their purchases?
With pocket calculators.
What do you call a kangaroo clerk with bad manners?
Kangarude.
Where would you buy thirty-six inches?
At a yard sale.
What does a house buy at the mall?
Address.
Where should you pay your car repair bill?
At a crash register.
What do pigs buy for relaxing in the backyard?
Ham-mocks.
What’s an easy way to double your money?
Look at it in a mirror.
3/2/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Diesel.
Diesel who.
Diesel be over before you know it.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
“Doris nothing like a dame.”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dots.
Dots who?
Dots for me to know and you to find out.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doug.
Doug who?
Doug a hole on your doorstep.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
“Doughnut make my brown eyes blue.”
3/1/23
BOY: Mom, Uncle Charlie took me to the zoo this afternoon.
MOTHER: That's nice. Did you have a good time?
BOY: Yes, and one of the animals came in first and paid twenty dollars.
"My brother is in the hospital with spotted fever."
"Is it serious?"
"No, fortunately they spotted it in time."
"Mom, you know that vase that's been handed down from generation to generation?"
"Yes?"
"Well, this generation dropped it."
Why is it hard to be a turtle?
You can't run away from home.
What do you say to a boomerang on its birthday?
"Many happy returns."
2/27/23
Tongue Twisters
3x fast
Nineteen nice knights.
Nine nice night nymphs.
Nippy Noodle nipped his neighbor’s nutmegs.
Did Nippy Noodle nip his neighbor’s nutmeg?
If Nippy Noodle nipped his neighbor’s nutmegs…
Where are the neighbor’s nutmegs Nippy Noodle nipped?
Orville ordered ordinary ornaments.
An oyster met an oyster, and they were oysters two;
Two oysters met two oysters, and they were oysters too;
Four oysters met a pint of milk, and they were oyster stew.
2/23/23
Where do you put a very smart hot dog?
On the honor roll.
How do you make a hot dog roll?
Tilt your plate.
What is the best way to talk to a hot dog?
Be frank.
What is a hot dog’s favorite song?
“Franks for the memory…”
What did the hot dog say when it won the race?
”I’m a wiener!”
What is green and red all over?
A pickle holding its breath.
2/22/23
WACKY COMPUTER BOOKS
How to Clean Your Computer
by Dusty Keyboard
How to Fix Spelling Mistakes
by Dee Leete
Set Up Your Own Website
by Dot Comm
How to Get a High-Tech Job
by Bea A. Nerd
The World’s Largest Software Company
by Mike Rosoft
2/20/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Mustard.
Mustard who?
Mustard been a beautiful baby.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub – I’m dwowning.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Denise.
Denise who?
Denise, de sister of de nephew.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Despair.
Despair who?
Despair tire is flat.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Detour.
Detour who?
Detour is over, you’re on your own.
Two a secondhand store.
Why are skeletons like blank applications?
Because their forms have not been filled out.
What do you call a skeleton who’s a good friend?
A bony crony.
What do monsters have that no one else has?
Baby monsters.
What do witches ring for in a hotel?
B-room service.
What do you call a group of zombie dancers?
A corpse de ballet.
2/9/23
Tongue Twisters
Insects. Six insects. Six sick insects.
Isn’t Isadora adorable?
Iggy is interested in visiting with Izzy, but Izzy isn’t interested in visiting with Iggy. Even so, in this instance, Izzy isn’t even in, so Izzy couldn’t visit with Iggy even if Izzy was interested, which he isn’t.
Are those jesters joking or are those jesters jousting?
Nick knits Nixon’s knickers.
Nellie’s new knitting needles knit neatly.
2/8/23
Hamburgers and what?
What do computer scientists like with their hamburgers?
Chips.
What do musicians like with their hamburgers?
Piccolos (pickle-o’s)
What do spiders like with their hamburgers?
French flies.
What do cats put on their hamburgers?
Mouse-tard.
2/6/23
Have you ever seen the mountain website?
I must take a peak.
Have you ever seen the paper towel website?
It’s very absorbing.
Have you ever seen the boomerang website?
You’ll go back to it again and again.
Have you ever seen the lions and tigers website?
I’m not wild about it.
2/2/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Armageddon.
Armageddon who?
Armageddon tired of these knock knock jokes!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Could she.
Could she who?
Could she, koochy she coo.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dallas.
Dallas who?
Dallas in Wonderland.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Damascus.
Damascus who?
Damascus what you wear on Halloween.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dandelion.
Dandelion who?
Isn’t it Dandelion around all day doing nothing?
2/1/23
CUSTOMER: Look at the watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime.
CLERK: Yes, but you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.
Where does a lumberjack go to buy things?
To the chopping center.
Where do spies do their shopping?
At a snooper market.
Where do bugs buy their groceries?
At a flea market.
Why do most cities have the same stores?
It’s a mall world.
“I was in the mall yesterday on an escalator and there was a power failure.”
“So?”
“I was stuck for hours.”
1/30/23
Tongue Twisters
Levi left the leaves lying on the littered lawn.
Lon Longman loaded a lotta long logs.
If Lon Longman loaded a lotta long logs,
Then where are all the long logs Lon Longman loaded?
Libby locked Larry in the lobby.
“Mom! Libby locked me in the lobby,” Larry lamented.
“Let Larry loose, Libby,” Mom laughed.
The llama loaned the lamb a long ladder.
The lamb loaned the llama a little lamp.
He who laughs last laughs last.
1/25/23
Who won the race between two balls of string?
They were tied.
How do frogs protect their knees when skateboarding?
They wear lily pads.
How do rubber bands warm-up?
They stretch.
What exercise does your nose do when you have a cold?
It runs.
What game do falcons play on ice?
Hawk-ey.
How do pandas ride bikes safely?
They hold onto the handlebears.
1/23/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Madison.
Madison who?.
Madison will cure my cough.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Maiden.
Maiden who?
Maiden Japan.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Maiden.
Maiden who?
Maiden the shade.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Major.
Major who?
“Major days be merry and bright…”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Mangoes.
Mangoes who?
Mangoes crazy.
1/19/23
How can you tell if an elephant is in your cereal box?
Read the label.
How can you tell that an elephant is on your head during a hurricane?
You hear his ears flapping in the wind.
How can you tell that an elephant is living in your house?
By the enormous pajamas in your closet.
How can you tell an elephant from a banana?
Try lifting it. If you can't get it off the ground, it's probably an elephant. Although it might be a heavy banana.
Why did the elephants laugh at Tarzan?
They thought his nose was funny.
Tongue Twisters
Lisa laughed listlessly.
The less the lame loon leaned on its little lame leg, the less the loon limped.
How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
Loose loops.
3x fast:
Luke likes licorice.
Luminous aluminum.
1/12/23
Who was the first nuclear scientist in history?
Eve – She knew all about atom (Adam).
Why did the scientist keep talking about the atom bomb?
He didn’t want to drop the subject.
What do nuclear scientists argue about?
Whether splitting the atom was a wisecrack.
What is an atomic scientist’s favorite snack?
Fission chips.
What is a hydrogen bomb?
Something that makes molehills out of mountains.
If Michael Jordan gets athletes foot, what does Santa get?
Mistle toe.
Why did the police go to the baseball stadium?
They heard someone was stealing bases.
What position do camels play on baseball teams?
Humpire.
Why don't grasshoppers go to lacrosse games?
They prefer cricket matches.
Where should you sit at a ballpark if you want your clothes to get really white?
In the bleachers.
1/9/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Chelsea.
Chelsea who?
Chelsea you in my dreams.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Chemise.
Chemise who?
Chemise me when I’m gone.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Chess.
Chess who?.
Chess one of those things.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Chester.
Chester who?
Chester minute and I’ll find out.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cinder.
Cinder who?
Cinder top draw with your socks.
1/5/23
What do you get when a waiter trips?
Flying saucers.
Where do vegetables volunteer?
The Peas Corps.
Why are potatoes good detectives?
They always keep their eyes peeled.
What does a porcupine put on its submarine sandwich?
Dill prickles.
1/4/23
“What happened to your finger?”
“I was trying out my new hammer and hit the wrong nail.”
What did the mitten say to the thumb?
“I glove you.”
What part of the body is a real loser?
Defeat.
If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does a scuba diver get?
Under toe.
If the palm of your hand itches, you’re about to get something. If your head itches, you’ve got it.
1/2/23
Tongue Twisters
Dwayne dwells in drafty dwellings.
The duke dropped the dirty double damask dinner napkin.
Down the deep damp dark dank den.
The deer dined on dough, though the doe dined on dates
Deer’s ears hear clear cheers.
Tongue Twisters
3x fast
Nineteen nice knights.
Nine nice night nymphs.
Nippy Noodle nipped his neighbor’s nutmegs.
Did Nippy Noodle nip his neighbor’s nutmeg?
If Nippy Noodle nipped his neighbor’s nutmegs…
Where are the neighbor’s nutmegs Nippy Noodle nipped?
Orville ordered ordinary ornaments.
An oyster met an oyster, and they were oysters two;
Two oysters met two oysters, and they were oysters too;
Four oysters met a pint of milk, and they were oyster stew.
2/23/23
Where do you put a very smart hot dog?
On the honor roll.
How do you make a hot dog roll?
Tilt your plate.
What is the best way to talk to a hot dog?
Be frank.
What is a hot dog’s favorite song?
“Franks for the memory…”
What did the hot dog say when it won the race?
”I’m a wiener!”
What is green and red all over?
A pickle holding its breath.
2/22/23
WACKY COMPUTER BOOKS
How to Clean Your Computer
by Dusty Keyboard
How to Fix Spelling Mistakes
by Dee Leete
Set Up Your Own Website
by Dot Comm
How to Get a High-Tech Job
by Bea A. Nerd
The World’s Largest Software Company
by Mike Rosoft
2/20/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Mustard.
Mustard who?
Mustard been a beautiful baby.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub – I’m dwowning.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Denise.
Denise who?
Denise, de sister of de nephew.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Despair.
Despair who?
Despair tire is flat.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Detour.
Detour who?
Detour is over, you’re on your own.
2/15/23
CUSTOMER: I’d like a pair of stockings for my wife.
CLERK: Sheer?
CUSTOMER: No, she’s home.
What’s a caveman’s favorite place to shop?
Cave Mart.
What do you say when you walk into a store at the same time as a sheep?
“After ewe.”
DOCTOR: Congratulations you’re the father of twins!
MAN: Don’t tell my wife. I want to surprise her.
FATHER: We have twins at our house.
NEIGHBOR: Are they identical?
FATHER: One is and one isn’t.
Where does the Frankenstein monster go when he loses his hand? CLERK: Sheer?
CUSTOMER: No, she’s home.
What’s a caveman’s favorite place to shop?
Cave Mart.
What do you say when you walk into a store at the same time as a sheep?
“After ewe.”
DOCTOR: Congratulations you’re the father of twins!
MAN: Don’t tell my wife. I want to surprise her.
FATHER: We have twins at our house.
NEIGHBOR: Are they identical?
FATHER: One is and one isn’t.
2/13/23
Two a secondhand store.
Why are skeletons like blank applications?
Because their forms have not been filled out.
What do you call a skeleton who’s a good friend?
A bony crony.
What do monsters have that no one else has?
Baby monsters.
What do witches ring for in a hotel?
B-room service.
What do you call a group of zombie dancers?
A corpse de ballet.
2/9/23
Tongue Twisters
Insects. Six insects. Six sick insects.
Isn’t Isadora adorable?
Iggy is interested in visiting with Izzy, but Izzy isn’t interested in visiting with Iggy. Even so, in this instance, Izzy isn’t even in, so Izzy couldn’t visit with Iggy even if Izzy was interested, which he isn’t.
Are those jesters joking or are those jesters jousting?
Nick knits Nixon’s knickers.
Nellie’s new knitting needles knit neatly.
2/8/23
Hamburgers and what?
What do computer scientists like with their hamburgers?
Chips.
What do musicians like with their hamburgers?
Piccolos (pickle-o’s)
What do spiders like with their hamburgers?
French flies.
What do cats put on their hamburgers?
Mouse-tard.
2/6/23
Have you ever seen the mountain website?
I must take a peak.
Have you ever seen the paper towel website?
It’s very absorbing.
Have you ever seen the boomerang website?
You’ll go back to it again and again.
Have you ever seen the lions and tigers website?
I’m not wild about it.
2/2/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Armageddon.
Armageddon who?
Armageddon tired of these knock knock jokes!
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Could she.
Could she who?
Could she, koochy she coo.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dallas.
Dallas who?
Dallas in Wonderland.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Damascus.
Damascus who?
Damascus what you wear on Halloween.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dandelion.
Dandelion who?
Isn’t it Dandelion around all day doing nothing?
2/1/23
CUSTOMER: Look at the watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime.
CLERK: Yes, but you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.
Where does a lumberjack go to buy things?
To the chopping center.
Where do spies do their shopping?
At a snooper market.
Where do bugs buy their groceries?
At a flea market.
Why do most cities have the same stores?
It’s a mall world.
“I was in the mall yesterday on an escalator and there was a power failure.”
“So?”
“I was stuck for hours.”
Funny (And/Or) Stupid - JANUARY
1/30/23
Tongue Twisters
Levi left the leaves lying on the littered lawn.
Lon Longman loaded a lotta long logs.
If Lon Longman loaded a lotta long logs,
Then where are all the long logs Lon Longman loaded?
Libby locked Larry in the lobby.
“Mom! Libby locked me in the lobby,” Larry lamented.
“Let Larry loose, Libby,” Mom laughed.
The llama loaned the lamb a long ladder.
The lamb loaned the llama a little lamp.
He who laughs last laughs last.
1/26/23
What snacks should you serve computer scientists at a party?
A byte of everything.
What kind of gum do chickens chew?
Chicklets.
What’s the difference between a stupid person and a pizza?
One is easy to cheat and the other is cheesy to eat.
How many chickens does it take to serve 10 people?
Chickens aren't good at serving. Better get waiters and waitresses.
What snacks should you serve computer scientists at a party?
A byte of everything.
What kind of gum do chickens chew?
Chicklets.
What’s the difference between a stupid person and a pizza?
One is easy to cheat and the other is cheesy to eat.
How many chickens does it take to serve 10 people?
Chickens aren't good at serving. Better get waiters and waitresses.
1/25/23
Who won the race between two balls of string?
They were tied.
How do frogs protect their knees when skateboarding?
They wear lily pads.
How do rubber bands warm-up?
They stretch.
What exercise does your nose do when you have a cold?
It runs.
What game do falcons play on ice?
Hawk-ey.
How do pandas ride bikes safely?
They hold onto the handlebears.
1/23/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Madison.
Madison who?.
Madison will cure my cough.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Maiden.
Maiden who?
Maiden Japan.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Maiden.
Maiden who?
Maiden the shade.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Major.
Major who?
“Major days be merry and bright…”
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Mangoes.
Mangoes who?
Mangoes crazy.
1/19/23
How can you tell if an elephant is in your cereal box?
Read the label.
How can you tell that an elephant is on your head during a hurricane?
You hear his ears flapping in the wind.
How can you tell that an elephant is living in your house?
By the enormous pajamas in your closet.
How can you tell an elephant from a banana?
Try lifting it. If you can't get it off the ground, it's probably an elephant. Although it might be a heavy banana.
Why did the elephants laugh at Tarzan?
They thought his nose was funny.
1/18/23
Monster Best-sellers
Calming Werewolves
By Casey Howells
The Space Invaders
By Athena Martian
Is There a Loch Ness Monster?
By Y. Knott
The Big Bang Theory
By Adam Balm
Reptiles Around the World
By Sally Mander
Monster Best-sellers
Calming Werewolves
By Casey Howells
The Space Invaders
By Athena Martian
Is There a Loch Ness Monster?
By Y. Knott
The Big Bang Theory
By Adam Balm
Reptiles Around the World
By Sally Mander
1/18/23
Monster Best-sellers
Calming Werewolves
By Casey Howells
The Space Invaders
By Athena Martian
Is There a Loch Ness Monster?
By Y. Knott
The Big Bang Theory
By Adam Balm
Reptiles Around the World
By Sally Mander
1/16/23 Monster Best-sellers
Calming Werewolves
By Casey Howells
The Space Invaders
By Athena Martian
Is There a Loch Ness Monster?
By Y. Knott
The Big Bang Theory
By Adam Balm
Reptiles Around the World
By Sally Mander
Tongue Twisters
Lisa laughed listlessly.
The less the lame loon leaned on its little lame leg, the less the loon limped.
How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?
Loose loops.
3x fast:
Luke likes licorice.
Luminous aluminum.
1/12/23
Who was the first nuclear scientist in history?
Eve – She knew all about atom (Adam).
Why did the scientist keep talking about the atom bomb?
He didn’t want to drop the subject.
What do nuclear scientists argue about?
Whether splitting the atom was a wisecrack.
What is an atomic scientist’s favorite snack?
Fission chips.
What is a hydrogen bomb?
Something that makes molehills out of mountains.
1/11/23
Mistle toe.
Why did the police go to the baseball stadium?
They heard someone was stealing bases.
What position do camels play on baseball teams?
Humpire.
Why don't grasshoppers go to lacrosse games?
They prefer cricket matches.
Where should you sit at a ballpark if you want your clothes to get really white?
In the bleachers.
1/9/23
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Chelsea.
Chelsea who?
Chelsea you in my dreams.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Chemise.
Chemise who?
Chemise me when I’m gone.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Chess.
Chess who?.
Chess one of those things.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Chester.
Chester who?
Chester minute and I’ll find out.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Cinder.
Cinder who?
Cinder top draw with your socks.
1/5/23
What do you get when a waiter trips?
Flying saucers.
Where do vegetables volunteer?
The Peas Corps.
Why are potatoes good detectives?
They always keep their eyes peeled.
What does a porcupine put on its submarine sandwich?
Dill prickles.
1/4/23
“What happened to your finger?”
“I was trying out my new hammer and hit the wrong nail.”
What did the mitten say to the thumb?
“I glove you.”
What part of the body is a real loser?
Defeat.
If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does a scuba diver get?
Under toe.
If the palm of your hand itches, you’re about to get something. If your head itches, you’ve got it.
Tongue Twisters
Dwayne dwells in drafty dwellings.
The duke dropped the dirty double damask dinner napkin.
Down the deep damp dark dank den.
The deer dined on dough, though the doe dined on dates
Deer’s ears hear clear cheers.
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